Ok maybe it didn’t happen in three days, but this was the weekend where our inevitable path became clear.
While all kinds of drama was unfolding in my life, and Jack and I were working through the murky waters of what opening up our marriage meant for us, I made a significant discovery about myself. I had fallen in love with S. Falling in love was a long, drawn out, beautiful journey for us. I knew I had loved him deeply for a long time already, but I was very unsure of the nature of this love until I took my first trip up north to go visit him.
It was the heart of winter when Jack and I embarked on the 7 hour drive to go spend some time with S and his family. Jack had another engagement in a city nearby and would be gone for half of the three day trip. The whole experience was strange and awkward and wonderful all at the same time.
I considered S to be my best friend, but because of the distance between our homes, we’d spent almost no time physically together thus far. At that point, we considered ourselves to be close friends. And this friendship had developed mostly in writing. That variable made things different than getting to know someone in person, and was partially why I wasn’t actually sure how I felt about him, romantically speaking. There was never a question that there was attraction between us and we dabbled in teasing talk about the possibilities of more than friendship between us. We were starting to admit the future may hold more for us. But we didn’t let the talk go too far mostly because we needed each other as friends more than anything else at that time.
So I was nervous about this visit. I didn’t know what to expect or how S would make me feel in close proximity. But he put me at ease quickly. I hung out in his tractor with him as he fed his cows, I saw animals all over the place which always makes me feel happy and peaceful, we drank too much wine and beer, and I played endlessly with the kids, inside and outside in the copious amounts of snow. S’s kids took a liking to me instantly and monopolized my attention to such an extent that I barely had time to think about the nervousness I was feeling. Being a mom, I was used to kids, and these ones were pretty great and easy to love, so I sunk into the attention and had fun with them, which made the transition with the adults much easier somehow.
The visit went well and I had a great time with everyone — S, his wife, his live in girlfriend, and all the kids. This time together deepened my love for S in a very obvious way and it started me on the path to loving and enjoying not only him, but also, unexpectedly, his family. To this day I argue that to be one of the biggest perks of the poly lifestyle — the extra built in family!
I was able to be physically near S, watching how he lived his life and loved his people. I learned first hand about what he did as a rancher and respected how he did it. I loved how they parented their kids, which was similar to mine and Jack’s style, and before I knew what had happened, the longing for more started.
The morning Jack took off to visit his friends, he left early and I found myself wishing S would come visit me in bed and snuggle and maybe do more. What was crazy and wonderful is that S admitted later to the same feelings at the same time. The friendship was solid but the electricity between us when physically together was hard to deny.
Our curiosity and desire for more from each other was peaked!
But we weren’t in a place to act on our feelings for a few months yet. Polyamory can be very complicated. For one thing, I had to process the fact that I was allowed to have feelings for this happily married man and he could reciprocate and no one was cheating! For another, everyone has their own protocol. Decisions are never just about you or the person you want to be with. All the people you are both connected to need to be considered. S was working through issues around his newly developing triad, and Jack and I were still trying to figure out if swinging was going to be our thing. There was much to work through in this collective group so we took it slow for a while yet.
In my heart, even then, I knew I wanted a long term loving relationship much more than casual anything, which aligned with what S wanted as well. But I was trying to figure out what was best for my marriage, not just what I wanted. I took the long way around to find out they should be one and the same 🙂
On the way up north Jack thought it was ludicrous that I didn’t consider S my boyfriend, knowing how close we were, and on the way back south I wished he was. The spark was lit between me and my cowboy and that visit started the fire of our highly charged, tumultuous, playful, glorious, love story 🙂
Turns out addiction can come in many forms. Sam was my addiction for many years. So I guess he deserves a few paragraphs in the story of me for that reason 🙂
I’ll never forget the day I first saw Sam. I was sitting behind him in the balcony at church. I was in my early 20’s, newly married, decently happy with my life, and yet… he caught my eye. I knew the girl he was sitting with because I grew up with her older sister. And I thought to myself “Wow L got herself a hot boyfriend!” He was wearing jeans and a white dress shirt and looked the perfect combo of casual and dressy. Anyway.. I was caught that day and I didn’t realize until many years later how caught I was. I got to know him over the time since he married my friend and we started hanging out in the same social circles. I actually led a few Bible studies and groups that he was a part of, and I did consider him a friend through that time, but, I didn’t let my head get beyond that.
Our house and property burned down in the 2003 BC wildfires that made worldwide headlines. That was a turning point in our lives in so many ways and one of them was closer ties with Sam. That year Jack started working with Sam and he trained him in house construction as well as helping us rebuild our home, which started Jack down a different career path and closer interaction with Sam as they worked together off and on for many years after that.
Somewhere in that time period, due to health concerns I went through a bit of a personal transformation. I changed my eating habits, I became more active and I lost weight. Sam noticed. He vocally respected me for the changes I’d made. He started paying more attention to me in general and we even began encouraging each other in the pursuit for better health with finding different workouts and challenges for each other to try. It was fun. It was motivational.
And it was dangerous.
We spent more and more time talking and became attached. He became one of my closest friends. We could talk about anything. We admitted we were attracted to each other. But we were careful not to cross lines.
And then Jack and I opened up. And yup, you guessed it — Sam was the coworker who helped Jack come up with this idea. That cracked the door to us pushing our limits more. Our flirting became intense very quickly. But it wasn’t good because Sam was not opening up his marriage. He made some attempts but his wife would not even have the conversation.
In that time period Sam made a big career change and became a firefighter. This did not help my attraction to him as I’ve always had a soft spot for those guys (yah, yah, insert eye roll :)). Sam knew it and used it against me in fun ways 🙂 But we thought we were saved from our ever increasing temptations because he ended up needing to move to another province for a job.
Well…. we just talked more. And we visited. And one night, while he was visiting us, we crossed a line we would have trouble crossing back from. The sparks between us were undeniable and the chemistry wasn’t quite like anything I’d ever experienced. Things got messy and complicated and I fell in love. I even had my first threesome with him and Jack one night when he was visiting. The whole situation was pure intoxication for me. Sam represented what I thought I could never have. He was the guy in high school who never noticed me. He was the “hot jock” that I never felt worthy of. Ohhh I know so much better now, but at the time he fed my ego big time and I became completely addicted. It was glorious and terrible all at the same time. I was guilt ridden and begged him to work harder on changing his end so that we could pursue what we’d found in each other without guilt. But it didn’t happen.
During this time period I joined OKC in attempts to forget him and fill the void with someone else. It didn’t really work that way. It was another year or so before I would have the strength to shut that door forever and move on with my life. It was hard. It was heartbreaking. But it was the right thing to do. And only then did I really have room for something new and something that was actually right as far as lining up with my moral code. Dropping behaviour that filled me with guilt did wonders for my psyche! Being on the wrong road is very exhausting!
My cowboy was instrumental in helping me break that addiction. And once it was broken, it was a very short time before realizing I was in love with S. I knew I loved him well before that but I didn’t know how exactly and if it was romantic or not. Sam clouded my vision for so long and I didn’t see anything clearly in those years. In retrospect, I believe that Sam was the main reason I agreed to this non-monogamy path in the first place. I wanted a chance to explore a relationship with him. And make it ok at least from my side. But non-monogamy is only ethical if it’s ethical on both sides.
I am happy to report that several years post kryptonite Sam, I am still totally over him! And this has been one of the biggest reliefs I have ever experienced. The hold he had on me was truly ridiculous. We have remained friends and still chat now and then. But the spell has been broken! And I’ve made room for better! And most importantly, I haven’t strayed from living my life with integrity ever since.
I grew up in an atmosphere of Christmas truly being the most wonderful time of the year. But my life has changed drastically in the last few years and I find this season to be hard in many ways. I think, like most of the world, I’m doing a lot of reflecting these days on where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to be going. What I’m left with is a myriad of emotions.
I grew up in a Christian household where Christmas was a time of celebration. We gathered regularly as a family throughout the holidays, did a ton of cooking, baking and eating together, spent time being part of church pageants and performances (I was a trumpet player in our orchestra for many years) and basked in the glow of the peace, love and joy that permeated our lives. I miss those feelings more than I can tell you. It felt full and purposeful.
But that wasn’t the whole story.
For years, my husband and I were struggling in many ways. Our paths seemed to be diverging from each other and we were both seeking attention and distraction elsewhere that eventually led to doing more of life apart than together. My dad got sick and we watched his steady decline into the darkness of Alzheimer’s for over 10 grueling years. My mom could barely cope with the stress and became a shell of her former self for many years. My best friend and I lost our decorating business because of miscommunication and betrayal. Etc etc…
I wasn’t as joy filled as I pretended to be. Life was hard.
Things changed even more as my husband and I opened up. At first we kept our untarnished image as a monogamous couple going. But again, that was unsustainable as we both found other partners who became important in our lives. The final nail in the coffin of normal was when my husband left. Pretending to be something I was not was over, and I came out to my family about everything.
Let’s just say it did NOT go well.
The relationships that changed the most were those with my mom and my brother. They do not accept that my husband and I went our separate ways. They do not accept my polyamorous path. And they do not accept my partner as being my family. They love me, but they do not accept where or who I am. And it has been heartbreaking.
I have now experienced almost two years of completely altered family dynamics and I still do not know where I belong most days. I miss the relationships I had with these people but I cannot pretend to be who I’m not to appease them. I came out because I want to be authentic. I am not secretive by nature and it was driving me nuts to be so. But if I’m honest, I’ve asked myself many times if it was worth the losses I’ve sustained.
I miss my past but I know I’m looking at it through rose coloured glasses too. It was far from perfect. So I’m trying to be content in my today, knowing I have much to be grateful for. Regrets aren’t terribly useful and I think I would rather be sad and lonely here and there than pretend to be someone I’m not.
As I work on sorting myself out and trying to figure out where I want to go, I am trying to forage new traditions. I love traditions and upon reflection, I realized I was missing those tremendously as life took on a different look. So my answer was to try and start over and find ways to make this time of year meaningful to both me and my kids in new ways.
This will be the second year my kids and I go and join my boyfriend and his wife and kids for a Christmas Eve day of sledding and bonfires and tasty food. It will also be our second Christmas Day at my inlaws with my husband, his girlfriend and her kids, along with mine and my husband and my kids. Bit confusing yes? But also fantastic as we work to redefine our meaning of family. My in-laws do not love our choices and we have had many difficult and heartbreaking conversations over the last two years as well. But they have decided they want to keep us in their lives and have come around to accomodating us to some extent. I am grateful for how far they’ve come and hope at some point they can accept my boyfriend and his family into the fold as well. Baby steps right?
I kept up many conversations and friendships on OKC before and after I met my sexy cowboy. He became my confident but we did not let ourselves become more for a long time yet. He saw clearly that I was on a journey of discovery with my husband and I was not settled enough yet to be part of something long term and serious. I met people and I tried to make myself get into things (swinging and threesomes) that were not necessarily for me but more for the sake of my husband and I doing non monogamy together. But I failed at this miserably.
Go figure how trying to be someone you are not doesn’t work out in the long run!
Andrea… I still cringe when I hear that name. Andrea was Jack’s first significant romantic interest once we had strayed from monogamy. They were friends from a club they both belonged to and I think he developed a crush on her early on. Opening up gave him a venue to pursue this further.
The only problem was that I wasn’t ready.
He kept it as friends first. Lots of late night texting and calls kind of stuff. I found out somewhere along the way that sexting was starting to happen and I freaked out feeling this was a violation of current boundaries (this was post the trip hook ups where I asked him to slow down and back up because I was all out FREAKING). She was clearly interested but he tried to go slowly for me. But it wasn’t enough. One could say I was a bit traumatized from previous situations and I couldn’t seem to catch up to my feelings and have a chance to take a breath and think about how to move forward.
Jack was exceedingly frustrated by my pace — what he thought should take days, I was thinking of in terms of months. For one thing, I didn’t see the rush. If it was meant to happen, it would, was my thinking. But he pushed. I pushed back. And he pushed some more. Things kept progressing but I was SO uncomfortable with it all. I felt left out. I felt suspicious and paranoid. And these were all things I’d never been before. It was maddening and frustrating and I felt downright crazy some days! I finally proposed a solution or at least an option that I thought might help me and also let them progress. I wanted to be involved.
Andrea was bi sexual. She had often made suggestions about her and I together. I had no experience in this arena at all but I was willing to try if I could be part of the dynamic and hopefully alleviate some of my issues. So we started a group chat. Andrea seemed fine with my idea and my reasoning and Jack was as well. In fact they both seemed very excited about my proposal and very much embraced it. At first anyway.
I put myself out there big time. This was terrifying and uncomfortable territory for me but I went for it for Jack’s sake. Conversation soon turned sexual. Pictures started getting shared and it became kind of fun, even for me. Having a woman compliment me and show interest in me in this context was flattering in a way that felt very different from anything I had previously known. As this progressed we made suggestions of getting together to see how our dynamic might work in person. But for one reason or another it never happened. Andrea cancelled every time we got close. We only managed to meet in party settings a few times. And then one night I got burned.
It was Jack’s birthday party. After everyone had left Andrea lagged on and on. I was hoping she would leave with everyone else. But the drinking kept going to the point where it was not safe for her to drive so she lingered. I went out of the room for a minute, and when I came back she was suddenly laying on Jack’s lap. She had been across the room when I left. I was taken aback. I asked what they were doing and they mumbled and giggled “nothing”. I said it was time for bed and I asked Jack to come upstairs. He said he wasn’t ready. I went upstairs and I started panicking. I came back down and tried again. They were fully ignoring me and I was so upset. I’m not sure I slept a wink that night. Jack came to bed at some point hours later. I was furious. This felt like a violation on so many levels. They did not invite me. They did not stop when asked. Repeatedly. I was ignored. I was not respected.
I was not ok. THIS WAS NOT OK!
I would like to add here that they were both quite drunk. I like to make myself feel better knowing they were not using all their faculties. I too have have made some poor decisions while drunk. But in the end this is not an excuse for poor behaviour. Our inhibitions and thoughts of consequence drop off when inebriated, but for the most part, I think most of us know exactly what we are doing.
I confronted Jack in the morning and he did not see my point of view at all and this turned into another wedge between us. I finally confronted Andrea about it too and we talked a bit but she never really owned it as a mistake or apologized either. Ironically after all of my efforts I was told that I was resented for inserting myself into their dynamic!! What?? It was a mess through and through. And clear heads were not prevailing! This was the end of the group thing for me. I tried to keep communicating for a short while, despite the fact that I felt massively disrespected and unheard. But it didn’t work. I was deeply hurt. So I reset my boundaries and was out.
From day one I had this thought — Andrea was not to be trusted. But I chalked it up to my own insecurities. Well, it turned out my gut was right. Things progressed with them for a while but it turned out Andrea not honest about her life and her availability. Her lack of follow through with us both made a lot more sense after some of that information came to light. But she mislead Jack over and over as he fell harder and harder. The ups and downs around her continued for over a year and she ended up breaking Jack’s heart as I suspected she would in the long run.
It was a live and learn experience for us both to a large extent. Jack and I worked hard and got past a lot this experience. But sadly this drawn out situation highlighted how very different our approaches in this journey were. Ours patterns and approaches were not simply compatible.
I learned two very valuable lessons through this mess — don’t try and be someone you aren’t, even in the name of compromise for a person you love, AND, listen to your gut! Always!
In past writings, I alluded to the fact that near the beginning of opening up our marriage, I found someone who was not available to me. I fell in love with this man and I believe he did with me, although it was never spoken. I learned some hard lessons and we did the right thing and put distance between us. I am wiser because of him and am happy to report I make better decisions these days. But he is still woven into the fabric of my story.
This is one of many poems written about a man who still haunts me to this day…
…
I was trying, but sleep wouldn’t find me
I couldn’t stop thinking about you, physically so near, but so far in availability
I felt horribly torn
Then you walked by, needing but not finding sleep yourself
I grabbed your hand and you stopped
You reached down to caress my hair
You sighed softly but audibly
You tried to keep going but I didn’t let go of your hand
Our eyes caught and held
The electricity was unbearable
And then, you bent down and kissed me
We knew we shouldn’t but we could not resist
The kiss deepened and our breathing quickened
Then you tore away, gently but purposely
I’m sorry, so sorry!
But I felt the emptiness immediately
I tried, but still could not find sleep
I wanted more. I wanted you!
I told myself I was only going to talk to you
But as soon as I stood in front of you neither of us could resist the magnetic pull we both felt
Okay okay he’s actually a rancher and he gets annoyed when he’s “dismissed” as JUST a cowboy. Who knew?! I guess there is frustration around common misunderstanding of who does what kind of work on a ranch. And when you are the guy who does it all, ie. the Rancher, being called a cowboy is insulting because it’s only part of the job. But on the days he does cowboying (essentially hanging out on a horse moving or rounding up cattle), I like to push the buttons and call him my sexy cowboy. And maybe ask for pictures of him on his horse, in his chaps….mmm yup :)) Anyway….I digress….
Let me tell you the story of how I met this amazing man.
My journey on OKC started only a short time before the weekend of swapping with our couple friends. For some time I honestly didn’t know what to do with the idea of non monogamy. The swapping weekend had opened my eyes to what was possible and had calmed my anxiety and fears a bit. I had also fallen for someone over the past year, but he was unavailable to me and despite mutual feelings, I decided to try and move on and open myself up to something new.
My husband seemed to have options everywhere, given he was out in the world meeting actual real live people. My big people meet ups usually revolved around the grocery store. And nope, I had not found a ton of potential in the produce section. So, I opened an online dating account. I was careful and thorough. I wrote a painstakingly long description of myself aiming to be as honest as possible. I really wasn’t sure what I wanted or if I was even up for more than friendship. I knew I needed like minded people and an understanding community so I took a leap and dove in.
I immediately had a ton of responses and I have since learned that’s one of the benefits of being female 🙂 I did little but try and make time for responses. I made some very good friends in this time and had a ton of meaningful conversations. I learned very quickly that people out there are lonely, scared and stuck. Many, like me, needed someone to talk to and not necessarily any more than that. I went on a few dates and knew I did not want to go on any more with those particular people. I wanted friendship but I must admit that somewhere along the way, I realised I was hoping for some spark as well.
Early on I started talking to S. We clicked immediately. He could write in complete sentences, which actually made him stand out from the crowd, and he rivalled me for long emails! He didn’t live nearby so it was almost 2 months of talking before we met in person. I knew right away this was a guy I wanted to see again. I didn’t know exactly how I felt or what I wanted and we both weren’t sure of availability at the time. He had a wife, a live in partner and a bunch of kids. And did I mention, he is a rancher? I had a husband, 2 kids and no clue what I wanted out of non monogamy. Oh and then there’s the living 7 hrs apart part!
Our story took some time to unfold.
But, he was who he presented to be in writing, he put me as much at ease as I could be in that situation of meeting someone for the first time, and there was a spark. He was a rugged handsome cowboy and despite being very presentable, with a clear knowledge of how to handle himself in public and around someone new, there was nothing pretentious about him. I saw immediately that he had a beautiful soul.
Our evolution to a full fledged relationship took a long time, but this man was to become one of the most important people ever to enter my life and is that to this day. I am honestly smiling as I write this, just thinking about how he makes me feel 🙂 The journey has been a tumultuous one and I will get back to the story of how S and I fell in love after I fill in a few more details of the year between us meeting and when we first acknowledged that we were more to each other than friends.
For those of you who are following me and who like things in a neat, chronological fashion, I’m really sorry 🙂 This is going to be a bit of a spoiler. I am one of those orderly types by nature, but I also find that the perfection mentality can hold me back from writing because I’m not writing what is on my heart. So I decided to say screw it to my likely unnecessary ideal and write about my current thoughts and how and why my heart is full of gratitude today.
Today is my husbands’ girlfriends’ birthday! (Did I put all the apostrophe’s in the right place??)
There is a lot of back story here but I will give you the summary version for now. My husband has been with his partner for just over 4 years now. He moved out of our home and moved in with her at the beginning of the Covid -19 Pandemic — so we are getting close to 20 months now. The start of their relationship was a bit tumultuous for me and there was a lot going wrong between my husband and I at the time. But despite some serious messes that happened around that time period, once the dust settled, he tried to do things right with her, including considering me. Our polyamorous journey with each other had hit a bit of a road block, but we decided not to allow that to cut out or interfere with the other people who had become important in our lives.
I met her in the context of — this person is cool and could be someone we might all be friends with. I was not assuming she was a potential partner for my husband at that time. She made a decent first impression. But things changed very quickly between the two of them, I was thrown totally off, and it went downhill from there. In hindsight, the downhill part was more a function of where my hubby and I were at, than anything to do with her. But she knew of our issues and the tension around us of course, and becauase of that, it felt like there was a lot of defensiveness and over compensating type behaviours the first few times we all hung out once their intentions with each other were more clear. Way too much drinking did not help! It was frustrating and extremely exhausting for me in all honesty. I knew this person was becomming important to my husband and I was trying to give the relationship a chance, but it felt like she was peeing all over my territory, and I had a hard time stepping back and seeing things objectively.
But as my husband and I started figuring out who we actually wanted to be with each other, this allowed things to simmer down between us all and my relationship with her grew in a very positive fashion. Ironically, when my husband decided to move out, this is when we all became even closer 🙂 I’m guessing it was because we could breathe easier because we were finally not trying to be things to each other we did not want to be, despite the fact that our traditional roles suggested otherwise. As it turns out, there is a lot of freedom in letting go of societal norms!
Part of my issues at the beginning were based around the fact that she and I could not be more different. She is a crazy, adventurous, independent, mother (but not a nurturing type), tall, skinny, not afraid of anything, and is always ready, and even hoping for that bend in the road, type of person. I am basically the opposite 🙂 In some ways that was intimidating because she was so many things I wished I could be. But over time I have come to realize how who each of us is, is a strength in different ways. Finding common ground other than my husband was a bit tricky. But given time, we started managing. We realized that our differences balanced each other. We could pick up the slack in places where the other wasn’t all that strong. She was able to talk to me about her struggles as a mother and looked to me for parenting advice because she loved how my kids were turning out and she didn’t really have anyone else in her life she respected as a parent. I have been able to rely on her for practicalities like fire wood and fruit (she owns an orchard) which is huge in my life, living off grid and trying to feed a couple large teenagers with little money. She has had many hardships in life and despite the fact that my own hardships have come from different origins, we have been able to talk, feel understood, and find a safe space in each other.
So when I sent her a birthday message this morning, I didn’t realize the conversation I would unleash. Much was said and it was beautiful and it made me teary and grateful. My husband leaving to make a home with her was very hard and yet very necessary for us all. There are days I miss having my husband as a partner, dreaming together about our future, and helping me figure out life on this off grid property that requires some expertise I am lacking. And knowing he has that partnership in a new place is difficult at times. But I have never resented her for it.
Today I told her that.
She helps take care of me and my kids in so many tangible ways and I wanted her to know she is hugely appreciated in my world. She was equally grateful to hear those words from me and made sure I knew that she understood her gain was my loss on many levels. And yet she said she has never felt resented by me. I was so happy to hear that because you never really know how you are coming off to people. We have embraced her as part of the family, but it’s still tricky some days. I was so relieved that she has felt welcome and that she knows she is an integral part of my new definition of family. She gets that even on my hard days, I wish her and my husband nothing but the best. They are happy. They are good for each other. And in the end that is truly what I want for them both even if most people I tell our story to, do not get it. And most people do not get it! Believe me!
We get it and I guess that’s what matters. And today my heart is full 🙂
I had a friend I had known semi well for years and at the time when my world was crumbling and my husband and I were stumbling through the first steps of opening up, this old friend became a new friend in a way, and a serious beacon of light in the middle of this new and confusing journey.
For some reason he picked up on the fact that I was going through something so he reached out and we started talking. A lot. Between hours on the phone and countless texts and emails, we got really close. Trust was building and over time I found out that he and his wife were on a similar journey! The reasons for their opening up were different than ours. He had a kink he felt was integral to who he was, that his wife was not interested in exploring with him. So they opened the doors of their relationship in hopes they could find something with others, they did not share between them. This information was a shock and a huge relief because we could be completely real and it very much pushed us together. Our friends and family, many of whom were mutual, knew nothing about our journeys, nor did we feel safe sharing with any of them. So this became a safe space for us both.
He was a bit ahead of me in this journey of self discovery and helped dig me out of the emotional hole I was in. He pointed me to some resources like Fetlife, where I could possibly find some resources as well as like minded community. He even helped me set up my account which I’ve barely changed to this day 🙂
This guy also happened to have a crush on me for years. He was a flirt at heart and was terrible at hiding what he was thinking and it caused a bit of dissention between his wife and I over the years. I think it’s safe to say our feelings grew for each other over this process of indepth connection and I was still worried about stepping on his wife’s toes in any way. Thankfully that was less of an issue at this point, but I had to hear it from her before I could fully believe that the way we were interacting and the time we were spending talking, was ok. And this is honestly one of the things I love about ethical non monogamy to this day — it allows relationships to develop as they naturally want to without having societal norms dictate where it is to go.
My friend lived pretty far away but one weekend he and his wife came for a visit. Let’s just say that too many wineries were visited and too much wine was consumed after the fact and before I knew what was happening, we’d swapped partners and had a rather interesting sexually charged evening! I won’t get into the fun gritty details at this point (although I am considering some erotic writing down the road), but I very much felt that for my friend and I, this night was more about building that deeper connection rather than starting something romantic or sexual long term. I was never really physically attracted to him, but I felt deeply for him all the same, and that night bonded us in a new way, without actually changing the nature of our relationship. Who knew such things were possible?!
Our spounces were never close but they got a fun story out of that night and never really talked again 🙂 I got closer to my friends’ wife after this which was an unexpected bonus. In fact, as I found out over time, she was grateful for my presence in her husbands life because she had always felt she did not have the capacity for the kind of friendship and endless indepth discussion we seemed to share so easily, and this was actually a relief to her!
This experience was my first indication that this path might have a way of working out for everyone. We had an experience. No one was hurt. Some funny stories came out of it. And my friendship deepened with this man and never went into the territory of the physical again.
It was a turning point for me.
This was one of the experiences (possibly the most important one at the time) that brought me back to life and gave me hope that this path was not the path for only the insane 🙂 I should really call this guy and thank him again 🙂
