Impermanence Rules the World

This realization really sucks for a person who hates change, and it makes non-monogamy challenging!

Everything is impermanent. Everything changes. That is the natural order. For me to eat, something has to be grown, nurtured, and killed (or picked, which is essentially death).

For my house to stay warm, a tree has to grow, live its life, die of some cause, and be harvested and processed so that I can turn it into a fire to warm the water that runs through my floors to create heat.

I live immersed in nature and the season changes directly impact the way I live. So the concept that the natural world is ever in flux isn’t new to me, nor does it bother me, other than the fact that it creates different kinds of work, challenges, and preparedness necessities throughout the year.

But I am so adverse to change and uncertainty in my personal life, and I always have been!

I do NOT like unpredictability. And yet, as I get older, I realize more and more that life is rarely predictable and nothing is truly permanent even when you try to make it so.

The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we are in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we’re not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence.

Paul Auster

I ventured down the path of ethical non-monogamy about 8 years ago. And it was indeed a challenge from day 1! When you throw monogamy out the window, you also throw that nice, neat picture of your future out the window. On some level, I knew this. And yet, the vast changes I have been through have caught me off guard and have left me exhausted.

For one, I did not imagine my marriage would fail. Yes, we had issues. But we worked so hard on our relationship. We did many things poorly when we opened up our marriage, but we also found many of our weak spots and put effort into fixing them. For a while, it worked. But then, things changed, betrayal happened, and here I am, 2.5 years into living on my own after a 25-year marriage.

I honestly thought my husband and I would grow old together. As we went further down this road of outside relationships, it highlighted how non-compatible we truly were. There were things we were always great at together as far as raising kids and running our off-grid property and household. But our interests and hobbies have never lined up well. And now that the kids are raised, and we are looking at how we want to live out the second half of our lives, that stuff matters more.

Long before things got really bad, our future felt foggier and foggier to me when I let myself think about it, even though many things were going well. It seemed silly to doubt in many ways, but I did. I felt somehow unsettled for a long time. Apparently, my intuition was correct, and we are now in the deep waters of navigating our separation.

Meeting, falling in love, and watching how my relationship with my boyfriend has unfolded over 7 years, has also been a non-stop exercise in managing fear over change and unpredictability. On the one hand, he is a very steady and consistent human in that once he decided he loved me, he committed to loving me to the best of his abilities for life and I believe him. But the part that drives me crazy is the inconsistent behaviour that is a direct result of being long-distance and the fact that he is in several other relationships and is seeking more out.

Sometimes communication is amazing and perfectly reciprocal. And other times it just goes away. Sometimes I know why, and other times I don’t. I never know when I will see him or what kind of time we can expect together. Nothing about those factors has ever been stable for us, other than the fact that eventually we always make time for each other.

When we started, I did not know that he wanted to keep seeking out new relationships. He was so consumed and overwhelmed with who he had in his life already, I made assumptions about how our future would look that were wrong. I honestly thought, who was in his life back then, is all he would ever want. And if any of the relationships were to fall away, things would get more simple because there would be fewer people in his life, and there would be more time for me.

I was mistaken.

I have taken a step back from us in hopes that over time I can make a firm, long-term decision, about whether I can handle the kind of impermanence he is asking of me. One thing I knew for sure, I can not handle it presently.

We are still in contact and I even saw him recently. It was truly lovely! I am still deeply in love with this man and I wish so many things for us and our future and am grateful for what we manage to still share in our current state. But even though we have been in this altered state for almost 3 months now, I am not closer to being convinced that this polyamorous path is something I truly want or can handle for myself.

The realization that saying yes to this path means saying yes to constant change and unpredictability makes me cringe. I know life does not come with guarantees, even if we think we can plan for it and make it so. Monogamy certainly didn’t work out for me that way. But choosing a path that feels challenging for who I am at my core still feels different from navigating the kind of uncertainty that comes as a result of living.

So I am waffling.

On the one hand, it still seems ludicrous to give up being loved the way I know and am by this man. What I share with him could be permanent (assuming we are alive and those kinds of things) if I choose. We could all be dead tomorrow. Why not enjoy what I have while I can? But on the other hand, what if I live for another 30 years and never feel settled or find that peace I am seeking? That seems like a poor choice as well.

While I battle my indecision, I am working on a few things. I know I need to simplify my life right now so that I can settle myself down for a while and figure out who I am and what I want. And I am doing this.

Coming to grips with the fact that life and everything attached to living is impermanent, no matter what choices I make, is another thing I am working on and trying to accept. I am tired of fear and anxiety ruling my life and am determined to find a better way to live and enjoy this crazy life.

We experience happiness as a series of pleasing moments. They come and go like clouds, unpredictable, fleeting, and without responsibility to our desires. Through honest self-work, reflection, and meditation, we begin to string more of these moments together, creating a web-like design of happiness that drapes around our lives.

Tara Stiles

We simply cannot control everything in life. But we can choose our reactions, and we can choose how we perceive what life throws at us. My goal is to choose to see the beauty in chaos and impermanence and “string more of these moments together, creating a web-like design of happiness that drapes around our lives.”

REDUCE, Reuse, Recycle!

This is my motto, but I am learning it is far from the norm.

My Airbnb is turning out to be both a gift and a learning experience about human behaviour. Despite some of the human behaviour stuff being frustrating and a bit disappointing, I am still grateful to be experiencing it all and learning as I go!

Although I am feeling mostly gratitude these days at the success of this new business venture and the amazing humans I am meeting, I am going to rant for a bit today 🙂

People produce an insane amount of garbage!
This is something that has struck me with more of my guests than not. There have been a couple who produced no garbage at all. But there have been several who filled up an entire fairly large-sized garbage bag, in ONE night! I was utterly shocked the first time this happened!

I have guests here at the moment who are staying long-term. They are truly lovely people who have been super friendly and very accommodating with whatever I throw at them, whether it’s needing to run the very loud generator early in the morning or late at night, or informing them that running water is out of the question as soon as it starts freezing at night. Everything has been ok with them, and they seem to love it here, and all in all, it is working out really well!

But the garbage they produced this week is literally twice as much as my household did! And I have between 2 and 4 people here regularly, as well as a bunch of extras on the weekend.

In all the time we have lived here, we have never overfilled our one small garbage can in a week unless we were doing some kind of bigger cleanup.

Most people do not recycle.
As I said in my title, I am a big believer in REDUCE as the first step. But once I’ve done what I can in that department, and reused anything that makes sense, I recycle whatever I can. I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but our system for recycling is less than perfect in my town. But, we do have bi-weekly recycling pick-up that covers many of our recycling needs, so I’m guessing it’s also more than what many people have regular access to.

The usual culprits like cardboard, cans, yogurt containers and paper all get thrown into one bin and taken away for us. It’s amazing, and I am really grateful for this! The only thing I regularly return to the recycling depot myself are cans and glass.

Again, I am truly baffled that more people than not, do not bother to recycle anything! They tend to throw it all in the trash. Which then also explains why there is so much garbage. This situation throws me off every time I see it.

Do people not want to recycle? Do they not feel better about knowing something does not have to end up in the ever-growing landfill? Especially if it is no more work for them to manage than a quick couple of seconds to think which bin to put the item in.

Most people do not separate their garbage and recycling properly.
When setting up my Airbnb, I tried very hard to make the process of separating out trash and recycling, simple. I have separate bins for regular garbage, assorted recycling, and for beverage containers. They are labelled, and I assumed they were self-explanatory.

To this day I have had almost nothing in the assorted recycling bin. And on occasion, I have had paper, cardboard and beverage containers in one bin, despite the labels telling them to do otherwise.

The garbage tends to be full of cardboard and plastic food containers that can all be recycled if clean. And now and then I actually find beverage containers in the garbage!

Sometimes, I try and sort things out a bit, but more often than not the recycling is contaminated by the garbage by the time I get to it. I do try to rescue bottles and other beverage containers from the trash if at all possible, though. Those are worth money on top of everything else, after all 🙂

To be fair, there are caveats I should acknowledge.
I am fully aware that different rules exist in different places. Given none of the people I am dealing with are from my hometown, I fully understand they don’t have a handle on our particular recycling system. I wish these things were standardized across the world, but I know they are not.

I am fairly certain, however, that in most places, beverage containers are recycled and returned to some kind of depot for money. So it is strange that people fall down on this task as well.

I also acknowledge that people on vacation, eat out or do take-out meals more often than you might if you are at home. After all, vacations are about taking a break! Because of this, food containers seem to take up the majority of space in the garbage.

However, if these containers are clean, many of them can be recycled. But I suspect that, perhaps, people on vacation are less inclined to put effort into rinsing out their plastic muffin trays or cardboard coffee cups.

And again, I do understand this mentality. I have most definitely taken the easy way out when I’ve been on a trip or in a rush, or didn’t have an easy option to dispose of something in the most ideal way. So I am trying not to judge too harshly 🙂

We all have moments of laziness, despite knowing better. And we all have moments of uncertainty and confusion in this world of so much disposable stuff. The conclusion I am coming to in watching human behaviour from this unique perspective is that we likely all need to be taught better. Information, education and leading by example are the ways that change the world and make people behave more responsibly towards our precious planet.

In my corner of the world, I am trying to do my best by reducing my waste, composting and feeding my animals what I can, and recycling before throwing anything out that does not need to go into the landfill. And I have tried to teach my children to do the same.

If nothing else, this situation has made me even more aware of my own behaviour and how I can keep doing better, because, despite my efforts, I can certainly keep improving, especially by shopping smarter (like supporting local which tends to come with less packaging and a small environmental footprint all around) in the first place.

Always keep in mind…

There is no such thing as ‘away’. When we throw anything away it must go somewhere.”
– Annie Leonard, Proponent of Sustainability

Sometimes it just takes a second to think before acting, and those few seconds can add up to making the world a more sustainable place.

Alone But Not Lonely

Despite the fact that it’s not static or simple for me, slowly, being alone is turning less into feeling lonely as I learn to embrace where I am at.

I am figuring out how to be ok with just me in my own skin and myself as company. Much of my time is spent alone during the week. And on the weekends, there tends to be a bunch of people around as we work on the property and socialize. It’s a bit like feast or famine for me, socially speaking.

I felt like I was starting to get a handle on being alone, but then my week took an emotional nose-dive. In the last while, we have been working really hard on some big projects around here, so even though I’ve been alone a decent amount of time, I’ve been very occupied.

Well, we got to a point last week where I can’t work on this stuff without one of my kids because they are organizing the space for their uses, so I am back to my own things. I have plenty to do, but I don’t have a big thing to tackle at the moment.

And just like that, I wasn’t simply alone, but I felt lonely.

I got instantly frustrated and keep wondering why I can’t just embrace solitude. I love where I am, but I am also a social creature who is a bit stuck because of my lifestyle choices.

My off-grid property dictates my schedule quite a bit. And that only gets worse as it gets colder, and I’m tied to loading a fire every few hours, every day of the week.

I have my eyes open for a job I can do one day a week or maybe a couple of hours twice a week, but so far nothing has hit me as a good fit. But I feel like an outside-of-my-house job might fit my social needs. Most people (from what I hear) spend almost every day at some kind of job and get their social fill to a large extent that way, and then can appreciate the solitude when it appears.

When my kids were younger and life was about driving and errands and taking care of the family 24/7, I remember being so excited when I had an evening to myself. And now most evenings are spent alone, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Sometimes it’s great because I have my own routine and am comfortable, even if I’m not always happy or feeling fulfilled in that comfort.

It’s interesting how we derive comfort even in our misery, isn’t it? No wonder it takes so much effort to change!

I have to admit that even though I am a social creature, I am terrible at seeking it out! It takes serious effort for me to put myself out there to people I know, let alone trying to meet new people.

A part of the problem is that often after enough wallowing, I finally push myself knowing I need human interaction, and time after time I am blown off because people are just plain busy. I know it’s usually not personal. People have full lives, and many tend to be over-committed these days. But if I get turned down too many times, I quit trying, and I get myself into a vicious cycle of lonely wallowing again.

I have found myself in this weird place right now. For so many reasons!

I am working through a lot of tough material like marriage separation, learning to become more independent, trying to figure out if I can ever do polyamory again, money issues, power issues, family stuff…etc. My life is full of transitions and I know I need to take it slow right now. I need to simplify where I can and work on getting physically and emotionally healthy again.

To do that, I need to be ok with solitude. I’ve just always been terrible at it and with all the pain and confusion I am in right now, I go right to thinking hard thoughts when I am alone and not totally consumed in a project.

This quote below really hit me when I read it. I feel I need to learn this solitude skill better in order to be more healthy in the relationships and social interactions I do have.

But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” — Bell Hooks

As with most things in life, I’m pretty sure there is a balance to be struck. I need more friendship and the fun and support it can bring. But I also need to figure out how to be ok by myself.

I loved this passage below, and I feel as if it’s the exact thing I need and want to strive for right now. I guess I’ll add it to my To-Do list this week 🙂

This is your reminder — alone is not synonymous with not good enough. Alone is not a weakness, it is not something to be ashamed of. No, alone is a gift. It is a foundation, a steady ground within yourself that will be there whether or not you sleep beside the tired bones of another human being. Alone is knowledge, in yourself and in your hopes. Alone is a ruthless dedi-cation to understanding your heart and fighting for what compels it after years of allowing for it to beloved in halves. Alone is not lonely. Alone is not broken. Alone is an anchoring, a healing — a reminder that the love you find within yourself will be your forever, a reminder that you have the capacity to be your own home.

(A Gentle Reminder by Bianca Sparacino)

Alone is NOT lonely. At least it doesn’t have to be.

The Cat Came Back

It wasn’t the very next day. It was months later!

I have to admit this story is a departure from my usual topics or even style of writing. I’m feeling heavy in my thoughts right now, and I have had some tiring conversations in the last couple of days. This has left me with much on my brain and heart, but little energy to write in an overly intimate way. I feel a bit guarded, I suppose. But as I said in another recent post, I want to keep writing no matter how I feel or how busy I am. So today I am going to talk about my long-lost cat!

I have one cat left from a group of 3 I got about four years ago. These were the best cats in the world! They are adorable, a breed that stays small, they are happy living outside, yet they are very friendly and cuddly, and they mostly hunt their own food. The last point is huge for me because I’ve always had a mouse, a pack rat, and more recently, a plain old rat, problem. These felines have helped keep the rodents at bay big time!

But as I stated, I only have 1 left of my little gems. And even she only seems to be living here part-time at this point.

All of these cats have taken turns disappearing and returning. It’s usually days or weeks that they are gone. But I am assuming once it’s years, that cat likely won’t return, which so far has been the case with the others.

Well, I started assuming cat #3 wasn’t going to return either after she had been gone for almost 3 months! Then one night I was awoken by a pathetic meowing sound I would know anywhere!

I ran outside immediately!

My son who had just gotten home from a party was already with her when I got to them. He had heard the pathetic cries as he was heading over to start our generator.

It was 2 am, and we were both very much awake and beside ourselves with joy! We LOVE this cat, and we were so shocked and so happy to see her! She was all over us as well. It was rather unreal. And what is very odd is that she looked great. Slightly skinnier, but she certainly didn’t look like she’d been fighting for her life for 3 months, either.

I lured her back to the house and gave her a meal she was very happy to partake in, and we spent much of the night snuggling instead of me sleeping because she seemed to be craving affection rather dramatically. Every time I left, the sad calls started up again. It reminded me a bit of having a newborn again! But it was only one night, and I just took it all in and enjoyed my fur ball connection fully.

So where on earth did she go for almost 3 months?? I often wish I had cameras on my animals, so I could experience what they do in some measure. How fascinating that would be!

I asked Google some questions about cat behaviour. Here is what I found…

Where do cats go when they run away?

Their first instinct is to find a place to hide. If they have ever escaped before they will run the same direction and go the same place they did before (even if it was years ago). Cats will usually stay within a 3–4 house radius from where they went out as long as they can find a place to hide within that area. (mlar.org)

This one made me laugh!

We live on 5 acres and are surrounded by crown land on 2 sides, another 5 acres parcel on the other, and mansions below us. She was most definitely not 3–4 house radius’s from us!

Do cats come back home after they run away?

Yes, cats can return home many days, weeks, months, and even years after they wandered off or were lost. According to the Lost Pet Research project, there were reports of cats traveling 50–80 miles in 2.5 years, 38 miles in 6 months, 30 miles in 10 days, and 20 miles in 21 days. So if your cat is lost, keep up hope. Nov 29, 2021 (https://www.petmd.com )

Now this one makes a lot more sense! And I’m wondering if perhaps all 3 of my cuties will return at some point!

I have a hard time believing even the other two are dead, given how outdoor savvy they are. If anything, I’m wondering if they are living their best lives in one of the mansions below our property.

Based on their personalities we are guessing, cat #1 is living with other people because he wanted to be best friends with anyone who paid attention to him, cat #2 is living on her own in the bush with a cougar family because she didn’t like people as much but was an incredible hunter and a bit on the wild side, and cat #3 has decided to come and go, depending on how much the dog is ticking her off (he likes to chase her which is why she left in the first place), and she is wherever there is food in houses or in the wild.

There was cat #2.1 who was kind of the worst. I think he’s dead, and I’m pretty sure cat #2 left because of him and his annoying personality. He was not part of the original group and was a stray who needed a home. And hey, I tried. But he only lasted here about a month. This place wasn’t meant for everyone, I guess 🙂

So… #3 is gone again. It’s been about 2 weeks at this point. I keep looking for her while the dog is locked up, but so far I haven’t seen any signs she is nearby. It makes me a bit sad, and I could really use the rodent control as well as a good snuggle, but considering her track record, I am much less worried at this point and feel like she will likely come back to us again, hopefully soon and before the snow flies!

There is no question my animals lead interesting lives!

For some good old Canadian entertainment, please enjoy this fine work!

Happy Thanksgiving! It’s Time to Sink Into Gratitude

It’s Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, so what better time to sit in gratitude than right now?

Given it is Thanksgiving in my neck of the woods, the reminders are everywhere at the moment. I wrote a piece about gratitude about two months ago, and the first thing I have to say I’m grateful for is that I am in a better place than I was then. Life is still heavy, and the turmoil is abundant, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning every day anymore.

All my issues are not solved by any means. But I have been working very hard on changing my mindset, despite the fact that many of my circumstances still suck or are at least less than ideal.

I am trying to mitigate my expectations and am also trying to quit making assumptions when my expectations are not met. Fear is also on the agenda to work through. And all of this is helping reduce some of the anxiety that has been occurring from the endless stress.

Then there is gratitude!

Above all else, or at least certainly in conjunction with the rest of the tools I am gathering, gratitude is at the top of the list to focus on. Every day, no matter what is happening, and often especially if awful or difficult things are being thrown at me, I make an effort to pause and rest in gratitude.

There are ALWAYS endless things to be grateful for! So, more for the sake of myself than anyone else, I am going to share a few things on my gratitude list with all of you. This is a tangible reminder for me, but I am also hoping it reminds all of you to pause and take the time to do the same thing in your life, no matter what is going on.

Family
Today, during our family dinner, we took some time around the table to dig into this topic and share our hearts a little bit. It has been almost three years since this particular group was together. Between Covid and the divide that occurred in our family when I came out as polyamorous, a few of us have basically been avoiding each other. But I felt like I wanted to make the effort to be with these people today, despite the hurt that has occurred.

My mother recently lost her husband, which has softened me to her as well. She needs her family right now. So my boys and I went. And I am glad we did. We laughed, we reminisced, and we shared the many moments of gratitude we have all experienced in the last while, and it was meaningful to me. This doesn’t take away from the pain I have felt, and it does not erase all the hurt, but I was happy to get a glimpse today of what these people have meant to me through my life.

My Airbnb
I took a chance, starting this new business. I didn’t have much money to put into it, what I set up wasn’t the ideal I had in my head, but I decided to go ahead and take a step forward. There is always time for tweaking later. And maybe there will be more money to build an actual cabin down the road and a shower can be figured out in the spring.

There is always room for improvement, but I did my best with what I had, and I feel like I created something unique, beautiful and inviting! Given I started this business at the beginning of September, I feel like I have done fairly well. I currently have a couple here for 3 weeks! They spent a few days here, loved it, and asked for more time as they work on moving to my city. I was truly in awe of this! I gave them an amazing deal, which is still more money in my pocket than I would have made with a few scattered bookings over the month, and everyone is happy!

I kept telling myself, on the days I doubted, that I did a thing, I did my best, and it is ready to receive people. All I can do is trust it will happen. And it IS happening! And I am SO grateful! I am making a bit of money, I have hope of doing better next year, and I am meeting some very cool people who all seem to love this place as much as I do! This in turn makes me grateful for where I live all over again 🙂

Strangely enough, this simple business idea is turning into a beautiful cycle of gratitude and abundance!

My Surrogate Children
The friends of my children are turning into a bigger and bigger group that feels like they are all my own to some extent. I’ve spoken a few times in the past about how my kids and I have worked to create an atmosphere that is welcoming to all. And I am constantly being reminded of our success in this area.

Kids regularly gather here. Most of the time it is about the socializing. But often it is about more than that. We frequently have someone show up at some point during the week when they have something good or bad happen to them, or they just want to share a life occurrence and have nowhere else to go. So they end up here, I add a bit more to dinner, and we all enjoy each other’s company. They know that if no one is here, or even if I am here alone, they are always welcome. There will always be a place for them to sleep if they need it, and we will share whatever food is around.

What has come out of this kind of genuine community is that many of these kids are taking care of me in tangible ways at this point. Just this week, one of the boys brought me 2 loads of fire wood! Then he unloaded it and split it all! And said he’d do it again next week as he has time! This kind of behaviour is HUGE in making my world go around! My boys and I have been so busy with our clean-up projects, we haven’t been able to get back to fire wood in the last few weeks as we had hoped.

When we were building the outhouse for the Airbnb, 4 of these kids showed up to dig the hole! And they all took turns and helped out just because! I am not asking these kids to do these things. Now and then we do have a planned work day and ask for their help, but for the most part, they just offer or just do something without talking about it. And it is purely because they feel at home, appreciate what they have here, and want to contribute!

I am getting teary writing about this because I am truly overwhelmed by the generosity of these kiddos. And I love them all like they are my own, and am incredibly grateful!

My Children
I cannot write about gratitude and not talk about my biological offspring. My kids are truly out of this world. They are not perfect, and they still act like typical 19 and 21 yr old morons at times. But then, don’t we all 🙂 But these people, despite the many options they have in life, have chosen to do life with me. We want to live on our property long term and with my husband out of the picture and wanting to stop supporting us, we have had to have some hard discussions about what it realistically means to live on this place.

So far, we all see our futures here. My boys want to realize the potential this property has and raise their kids here if they are lucky enough to have some. And because of that, they need to take on financial and practical obligations they would not normally have to do at this age. But they are doing it without complaint.

They help me pay bills. This is still minor compared to what I need, but they have agreed to a plan to increase slowly until we are splitting things more evenly. But most of all, they are doing a crazy amount of work on this property, and that is not something I could do without them. Living here comes with its challenges being off grid, having power issues, and having a huge mess to deal with that my husband left behind, but they are stepping up to it all. They have a pile of their own projects too, but they are taking all their spare moments to pour into this place in hopes it will turn into the dream property we all want it to be one day.

I am so grateful at how they step up, make our collective future ideal priority, and how we do all this in community. We love being together, we talk, we work, we laugh, we also yell and complain, but we do it all under common goals. We are friends, as well as family, who want the best for each other.

I am one lucky mom!!

This is a small list, but each of these categories encompasses so much. My heart is incredibly full! And the exercise of writing this out makes it even more full! Gratitude begets gratitude.

I am grateful!

I Don’t Have Time for Writing Today

Life is a literal and figurative mess right now, but I’m making writing a priority anyway because I don’t want to lose the habit I’ve worked to create.

Life is a little on the crazy side at the moment. I’m trying to juggle many things in several different areas of my life. But I’m stealing a few minutes to write before I need to start on dinner and then work on a course I signed up for yesterday, despite having little time to focus on it this week.

I’ve been writing for myself off and on since I learned to write. It has always been a wonderful cathartic outlet for me to process life, feelings, and happenings. But for one reason or another, I never stuck with it regularly (besides university) until I joined Medium. Something about this platform has finally made me feel accountable to the writing process and despite not always wanting to, or having time for it, I have kept it up with pretty good regularity. I have found it to be good for my mental health, and I need all the help I can get on that front.

So, I don’t plan on stopping now!

But like I said. Life is nuts. So instead of not writing at all, I’m going to tell you all why I’m so exhausted these days 🙂

Fall tends to be busy when you live on an off-grid acreage. There is much cleanup to do after summer and all kinds of prep work to do before winter. The garden needs to be tidied after harvesting. Dead things need to be trimmed and pruned and made ready to go to sleep for the winter. Chickens, and whatever animals we have around, need their housing spruced up and winterized. Layers of straw are added to their bedding and things like that. Firewood is also a major endeavour every year and is something we tend to do all year long. But the majority is gathered and processed in the Fall.

General cleanup also needs to be done before snow flies and buries things we might need or that won’t weather well over winter. Tools that have been lying around all summer, hoses that need to be blown out and stored, and furniture that isn’t meant to be out all year, all need to be dealt with.

Well, on top of our normal, we decided to up our workload dramatically this Fall. We are tackling areas of the property where my ex collected things, stored them and never dealt with them again. We have a 40 ft c-can that has basically turned into a very large pack rat nest over the last 10 years. It is full of valuable things and could be a very usable space. But it was a big project and my husband didn’t want to deal with it. So finally my kids and I are doing it.

And oh boy have we opened a can of worms!

I’ve done a lot of manual labour and cleaning in my life and nothing has ever been this gruelling, disgusting, intense and plain physically hard! We’ve been at this for a few weeks now, and we almost have it emptied. Almost. My son takes things out, and I wash and scrub them if they are items we are keeping. We have taken away a few dump and metal recycling loads, and we have more of both to do. We have relocated some of the items to other areas of the property. But what we are dealing with now mostly needs to be put in order and then properly back inside and around the c-can.

There is stuff EVERYWHERE right now!

Our goal is to have everything out, to have the inside cleaned top to bottom and to have the stuff cleaned that needs to go back in, by the end of this weekend. My son starts a new full-time job next week, and we need to get to normal winter prep asap, so the clock is ticking.

It is unseasonably warm here this year, and I am so grateful for that right now. I can scrub in the sun, and it can help dry and bleach things. But inevitably winter will arrive, and we can’t have any of this stuff sitting outside. Even if we suddenly get the rains we are used to getting, much of this stuff will be ruined.

So we must keep at it. Thankfully it’s a long weekend and both my kids will be around for most of it. So, besides some family time on Sunday to celebrate Thanksgiving (the Canadian one), that is what I’ll be up to (in between normal cleaning, cooking, animal tending, Airbnb stuff, writing, doing fires, finishing a course, researching my legal rights in separating with my husband, working on some power system stuff, and maybe a few other things I forgot).

I’m exhausted already!

But hey, at least I got some good beer to enjoy during the breaks 🙂 Have a great weekend, everyone, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Stress, Anxiety and I Seem to be Becoming Fast Friends

I seem to be in a destructive cycle, so I am trying to learn more.

I know I have a lot of stress in my life, and I can recognize the feelings of anxiety that rarely leave me alone. My body has been rearing its head against these things for a while now, and I’m trying to change the aspects I can control and deal with things piece by piece in my life to aid my mental and physical health.

In this ever-increasing awareness of the fact that I am not ok, I have been trying to dig into things that make sense. I like definitions and labels (when they aren’t applied to me) to help me figure out the world with a logical approach.

Firstly, I will define each of these terms…

Stress is a feeling of emotional or physical tension. It can come from any event or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, or nervous. Stress is your body’s reaction to a challenge or demand. Oct 5, 2020
https://medlineplus.gov › Medical Encyclopedia

Whereas,

Anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness. It might cause you to sweat, feel restless and tense, and have a rapid heartbeat. It can be a normal reaction to stress. For example, you might feel anxious when faced with a difficult problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision. May 22, 2020
https://medlineplus.gov › Medical Encyclopedia

Clearly, these terms go together, and what I am now starting to understand better is their overlap and how stress causes anxiety. I have been aware that my stress levels are high, and that it makes sense anxiety would follow, but I have only recently become aware that perpetual anxiety seems to be a real problem for me. I found this fact sheet to be helpful to sort through some of it…

Stress vs. Anxiety

Stress
Generally is a response to an external cause, such as taking a big test or arguing with a friend.
Goes away once the situation is resolved.
Can be positive or negative. For example, it may inspire you to meet a deadline, or it may cause you to lose sleep.

Anxiety
Generally is internal, meaning it’s your reaction to stress.
Usually involves a persistent feeling of apprehension or dread that doesn’t go away, and that interferes with how you live your life.
Is constant, even if there is no immediate threat.

Both Stress and Anxiety
Both stress and anxiety can affect your mind and body. You may experience symptoms such as:
Excessive worry
Uneasiness
Tension
Headaches or body pain
High blood pressure
Loss of sleep

I’m So Stressed Out! Fact Sheet

View the related infographic to share this information on social media. Feeling overwhelmed? Read this fact sheet to…

www.nimh.nih.gov

Truth be told, I am sick of labels being thrown around for everyone these days as an excuse for life being hard. Not in the least am I discounting the very real disorders of depression or anxiety. I know people close to me who suffer from one or both of these things, and have for years. And I have seen firsthand how crippling these things can be, despite trying their best to overcome the struggles they present.

My frustration lies in the fact that I think (this is my opinion only) that people, in general, are over-diagnosed and over-medicated because life is truly hard and few of us have great coping skills and for some reason it makes people feel better to throw a label at things and pop a pill, rather than do the hard work to change our lives, or even simply accept that stress and anxiety are part of everyone’s lives.

HOWEVER, be careful not to cast the first stone, is a phrase that comes to mind a lot for me these days, as more and more I am realizing I may have an actual perpetual problem with anxiety. I assumed, like all humans, I am experiencing anxiety because I’ve gone through some tough things. But as I delve deeper into my life, and my patterns as a child, I am wondering if my problem runs a lot deeper than I thought.

I recently did some tests with my doctor, and she was alarmed at my poor results on both the depression and anxiety quizzes I did. On the one hand, she knows I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately, but on the other, until she had a tangible number in front of her, she didn’t realize how badly I was affected. She tried to calm me down and tell me that this is helpful. Now we have a start at understanding what we are dealing with.

But I have to say, it threw me. For a while.

I am a relatively smart, self-aware and very introspective person. I also have a psychology degree and have helped many others through processing the tough stuff in life. But suddenly I was possibly thrown into this “group” I wasn’t prepared to be in. It is quite possible that my never ending struggles are part of how I’m wired and that my wires may have some shorts, and that is why it seems hard to overcome certain things despite my best efforts.

My doctor is big into doing all the things, before considering medication, which I very much appreciate. Because no matter what may or not be going on, my stress levels need to decrease. So I am doing many of these things now. I have written about several of them as I’ve started down this path.

Meditation, mindfulness, and gratitude are where I’ve begun. I am also changing how I’m living my life, as far as setting aside what has been hard in polyamory and starting a new business for something positive to focus on, as well as taking a much-needed step towards financial independence.

In some ways, I feel like I am making progress, but many days, I simply feel stuck, or ever frozen. New issues keep coming up, and I have things I am trying to deal with that are very hard, and I feel like I just CAN’T move forward even when I know I have to. It makes me SO frustrated with myself!

I wish I could take a break from it all, but that isn’t how life has worked out. So I have tried to simplify where I can and implement helping strategies. But until there are more lasting changes or things settled out in my life, I don’t think I will know how I’m really doing.

I am learning that this journey of self discovery is never over. And I have also been reminded to watch my opinions and judgments of others as I walk this road. I don’t know where these discoveries will take me or what it all means long term. Being aware of my stress and anxiety is likely a good thing, and it has forced changes I didn’t want to make, but were necessary, but it doesn’t change any of the circumstances I am not in control of either.

I hate to be a downer, and maybe I’m just especially tired and frustrated today, but I have this sinking feeling it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m pretty sure stress, anxiety and I are going to remain close for a while.

All I can do is try to keep moving forward, even if the steps are tiny.

The Cricket’s Song

A gift from nature

A lone cricket calls out as day turns to night
Soon there is a response
Then another and another
I go outside to take in their waking

I walk around in the moonlight
I gaze at the stars in wonder
While all around me, the crickets sing their song, their voices growing ever louder

Are they celebrating the gifts that night brings?
Do they marvel at the possibilities we see in the endless sky?
Do they sing for the joy of being alive?

Are they breathing in the fresh night air?
Are they basking in the moonlight?
Why do they come so alive at night?

Are they singing a love song?
Is there a cricket party in the works?
Are they calling out to let the others know they are not alone, even though it’s dark and hard to see?

Nighttime feels so hard for me,
And yet so full of possibility depending on where I look
It feels lonely as the night air makes me shiver,
And yet I know nature surrounds me in her loving embrace

The lone cricket’s song has turned into a symphony
The frogs have even joined in
A smile breaks through my anxious and lonely face

This gift is mine for the taking
Free of charge
I only need to show up and let it fill me with the simple joy it offers.

Sleep: The Elusive Necessity

Sleeping has always been challenging for me.

I am tiredly writing this post on the heels of another sleepless night. Well, it wasn’t entirely sleepless, but I probably only got about 5 hours of sleep, and it was broken up by a 2-hour awake time in the middle. This is par for the course these days.

My entire life has felt like a battle with sleep in one way or another.

When I was young (I’m guessing this was my norm by age 5) and until I had children, my pattern was to go to bed and lay awake for an hour, if not more, until sleep finally found me. The reason for this was that my brain will not quit. If I wasn’t worried about the next day, month, or year, I would be stewing about big things like the meaning of life and the existence of God. And yes, I remember doing this when I was as young as 7.

I had a lovely bedtime routine and no electronics in sight to cause me grief like we do these days. My parents took turns reading to me, telling me stories from their childhoods, singing, and praying with me as we snuggled. I LOVED that time with my parents. We shared a lot of beautiful moments, and it was a calming and peaceful way to end the day.

But I still lay awake and worried and wondered.

Then I had babies…

After my first son was born, a few weeks in, I realized I finally wasn’t having any trouble falling asleep! As all you parents know, it is because I was too exhausted not to sleep. But that was the start of a different problem.

My kids slept well through the night very early on. By about 8 weeks, I was getting 6–8 hours a night with both boys. I was quite pleased with this pattern, but what I learned all too quickly is that with kids, there is always something new to deal with. Yes, my boys self-soothed and slept well in general. But they still got sick, teethed regularly, and by age 2 my oldest started suffering from night terrors. This lasted for years. He didn’t necessarily wake up, but the rest of us sure did!

Once my oldest was calming down at night, my youngest would wake up with pain several times a week after he started gymnastics. It took us a few years to realize the 2 were correlated because he was so talented and never had pain during the day. He got into competitive gymnastics at a very young age, but when it turned into a daily several-hour commitment, we rethought the whole thing, and he quit. Miraculously and thankfully, so did his nightly pain!

On top of all these things, I’ve always been the kind of mom who knows a kid is going to cough and wakes up before anything even happens. When my kids were sick or if they had issues of any kind, I had an inkling what was coming, and I woke and waited. And once I dealt with whatever the issue was, I always had trouble falling back asleep.

This whole series of events turned me into a light sleeper, to say the least.

Even when things calmed down as my kids became older and didn’t need me in the same way, the stress in my life started to increase. I had marriage issues, money issues, polyamory issues, husband leaving issues, and repeat and add a few other things.

So now I have trouble falling asleep, and I have even more trouble staying asleep. Inevitably, if I wake up at night, I am up for hours. It is horribly frustrating! But my mind goes into overdrive as soon as it’s aware, just like it always has. And I have a lot of things to think about these days, so there’s no shortage of material.

To add insult to injury, I have found that in the last few months, I am suddenly waking up early as well. This has never been my norm, as I love sleeping in. But not anymore!

And when I finally do sleep, my dreams are chaotic, and full and feel like I’m leading a whole other life. Perhaps my body is tired of living 2 lives and that is why it rebels against sleep!

I’m not sure if I have a sleep disorder or a clinical anxiety issue or what. So I finally discussed all my issues with my doctor, and she is trying to help me deal with this. She is convinced everything in my life will be affected as long as I’m not sleeping properly, and I am likely in the throes of a vicious cycle. She is probably right. So in my path to finding my way to a healthier me, I am trying to figure out some coping aids to assist, even if they don’t quite solve my lifelong issues.

(Please note, there is no medical or expert advice in what I am saying. I am taking information I learn in various ways and trying my own version and simply relaying my experience.)

The first things I tried were improved pre-sleep routines. Calming rituals like baths, putting aside devices and reading a book have all been part of that. It’s all enjoyable stuff, but it hasn’t taken care of the issue of falling asleep easily or staying asleep.

I added meditation to the mix. This often helps me fall asleep (even during the day), but it does not help me stay asleep. I try to use it in the middle of the night quite often, and sometimes it helps, but frequently the stress ends up with the louder voice. Why is it that those negative voices are SO LOUD in the middle of the night?

My next method to tackle my sleep issues was tea. I found various formulas that are created to be a sleep aid, most of which include valerian (a tall, flowering grassland plant — may reduce the amount of time it takes to fall asleep and help … mayoclinic.org). I enjoy this ritual very much and have found it has a calming effect on me. But despite the relaxing effects, none of the teas I have tried, help me sleep through the night.

My doctor convinced me to try a regimen of melatonin for a solid month just to see if it would get me onto a more regular cycle. My assessment of this is that it probably helped more than half the time. That is a big improvement, but I found that on days I had a lot to think about, it did not win at keeping me asleep. This is also not something I want to take every day. So at this point, I take one if I suspect I’ll have trouble sleeping because of how my day went, in hopes it will at least help.

I have also tried alcohol and cannabis (mostly in the form of edibles — it’s legal where I live, in case anyone is worried). These were not recommended by my doctor as a sleep aid, just to be clear. But on occasion, I am in a situation where I experience one or both of these things (alcohol is a regular indulgence, whereas cannabis is maybe a few times a year). These substances DO NOT help me sleep! Often they help me conk out initially, but I cannot stay asleep. And I find, especially, that cannabis increases my anxiety.

My friend got me onto Advil PM which I would say works the best out of anything I’ve tried and helps my frequent headaches to boot. But I am very careful about taking this too often. I am not a big pill person anyway. And mixing ibuprofen if there is alcohol in my system is always a hard no. Over time, this stuff can cause other issues. So, by no means, is this a daily thing. But again, if I know I had a particularly awful day, I will take one.

There are some CBD products (without the THC) I have heard work well. So that may be the next thing I try. Because at this point, every night feels like a gamble that often ends in frustration and exhaustion.

We all need sleep. Humans do not function without proper sleep. And yet, I would guess that my sleep deprivation is not novel. Our lives are stressful, and it is hard for many of us to shut that off and let our bodies rest. I am working on simplifying my world piece by piece in whatever ways I can control it. In time, I hope, decreasing my stress levels will help me sleep and feel better all around. Because right now, it all feels like a battle I lose more often than win.

What helps you get a good night’s sleep? If anyone has suggestions for me, I am all ears!

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The Lost Art of Letter Writing

Here’s what I’m doing to reclaim it in my own little world.

A few years ago, my book club, comprised of my boyfriend’s wife, my best friend and me, read a book that took us back to a simpler time before electronic communication ruled our lives. The book is called “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” by Annie Barrows and Mary Ann Shaffer. It was made into a movie in 2018 as well. Not a bad few hours of entertainment, but the book was much more encompassing, as they often are.

Here is a concise summary of this book …

It’s a traditional love story to be sure, but more importantly, it is the story of a small island community composed of very disparate people who came together during the German occupation of World War II to protect, comfort, and in some cases, save one another. (www.ala.org)

For an extended look at this work, here is a Wikipedia page with more information.

I LOVE this book! I am an avid reader and love books of all genres. But historical fiction is one of my favourites (I love learning about history without realizing that’s what I’m doing!) and this book was incredibly moving, enduring, and a true escape for me. I am currently working through it for the third time. It is my bathtime entertainment and now that the evenings have cooled off, I am back to my nightly routine of reading in the tub.

One of the unique things about this book is the format in which it is written. It is all in old-school letter format. The characters interact through written accounts back and forth with each other. This is sometimes in the form of telegrams as well, but for the most part, they are writing traditional letters.

I think it is a brilliant way to write a book and makes it easy to digest is whatever chunks you have time for. It also reminded our little group that not so long ago, letter writing used to be the main source of distant communication. And somehow, people managed to build meaningful relationships this way. That is hard to imagine in our technologically advanced world.

These days, instant communication has become important to us all. And yet, when we step back and look at what we are saying, quite often there is little depth to our frequent texting. Yes, it is very handy when you are trying to make a plan and meet up or get some quick information or just let someone know they are being thought of. No doubt, all types of communication can have value. But, upon some discussion, we all decided there is something lost in comparison to old-fashioned letter writing.

Our group decided the main issue is less intentionality, which translates into less depth of content, with electronic communication as opposed to letter writing. This is more so true for texts as opposed to emails. But then most of us communicate predominantly by text in our every day lives. We often write shorthand of some kind, and overall it has a cut-off feeling when there is a lack of sentence structure. Or maybe I am just showing my age 🙂

After our discussion around this topic and our deep appreciation for this book, my bestie and I decided to embark on an experiment. When we text each other, it must be in formal letter format. We start off with a proper greeting, engage in grammatically correct sentence structures, including paragraphs if the length of the communication dictates, and we end with a proper format as well (Sincerely, Ever Yours, etc.).

We have managed to keep this up with few mishaps for over two years now! There have been times when we need to say something quickly and for that we engage in telegram format. We write in all caps. And keep it short.

Some would say we are ridiculous. And I must admit there are times when I don’t text her because it seems like too much work 🙂 And yet, when we communicate, which is still quite often given the extra challenge with that kind of formality, we are very thorough, we get a lot said, and it always feels like a rich experience somehow. We have a very supportive relationship and I have most definitely put her through the ringer with my drama in the last few years, but our depth of friendship just keeps growing, and I believe this format is helping to feed that. We also feel like it’s good for our brains to challenge ourselves in ways that are uncommon in this day and age 🙂

It’s funny; in this era of e-mail and voice mail and all those things that even I did not grow up with, a plain old paper letter takes on intimacy.
Elizabeth Kostova

I’m not saying we wouldn’t have our depth of friendship without our letters. But we both agree, it has added a unique intentionality and intimacy to our communication, which we both appreciate. So we are keeping it up!

Granted, we are still using our electronic devices to execute this intention, which is not the same as the paper version. But given my awful handwriting, and the fact that snail mail means that I can live 5 minutes from someone, but it will take a week before my letter gets to them, means that we are compromising in this letter writing endeavour in ways that suit us.

Letter writing is an excellent way of slowing down this lunatic helterskelter universe long enough to gather one’s thoughts.
Nick Bantock

I love looking at letter writing from that perspective! And in the end, isn’t that really what we all need these days? Slowing down sounds like exactly what I need!