I Can’t Sit Still

When I stop productivity and try to relax, I overthink and stress and feel guilt, and I quickly go down those dark rabbit holes.

I got hit with some kind of sickness bug the other day, and I spent yesterday in a daze. The most frustrating part of that for me was that I did not have the energy to do my normal tasks. I was not up for physically tackling more than my must-do’s. And I did not have the brain capacity to do things like write, even though I had time.

So I was forced to relax for real!

This should not be something to complain about. I fully understand that the fact that I have my life set up in such a way that allows me to sit around and read a book and drink tea in the afternoon is a gift and a privilege. Granted, the fact that I don’t have a job to go to every day also means I am perpetually low on money. But I am working to remedy that and is a topic for another day.

Despite the fact that I am grateful I have the time and space to relax when life dictates, there are two problems I face when I have downtime.

I grew up with the notion that being idle is a sin.

Productivity is massively ingrained in me. Even when my parents weren’t working, they were always puttering. I did not grow up with parents who sat around in front of the TV every evening, as so many of my friends did. Even when they watched TV, which was at specific times only, they were often working on something at the same time. My mother was always mending or painting or working on some kind of crafting project as she watched TV. My dad rarely watched TV, as he preferred to read when he was “resting”.

When I was young, my summers “off” were filled with projects. Every day I had to work on my music and at least one other project (often sewing of some kind, which I hated with a vengeance) on top of household chores. I was still able to go outside and play and be a kid, but I had a lot I had to get done every day in order to be allowed to just go and play. I had an active imagination and loved being outside, foraging and collecting things and creating potions, building forts and being in my own little world. That time was coveted, and it never felt like enough. But I can tell you, I was certainly NEVER bored!

Boredom was a bad word in my house, and I learned very early on to never use it, or I would have things added to my To-Do list.

The only day we were allowed to relax was on Sunday because that was THE day of rest in my Christian upbringing. But my parents went too far in the other direction with that one too, in my opinion. Certain types of play and activity were off limits, and it was exceedingly frustrating to have that day also dictated to me as to what I constituted as rest for myself or not.

I by no means, had a terrible childhood. But as I got older, I realized more and more that my parents did me a disservice by forcing me to always remain busy. I did not learn how to relax and listen to myself and what I wanted and needed. As a result, since childhood, I have always felt a ton of guilt when I choose to do “nothing”.

Only in the last few years have I started to pay attention to this part of myself. As my children are now grown up, I have more downtime than ever in my life. And I am learning that it is ok to have a bath every day, read books and watch TV just for the sake of enjoying that time for what it is without having to do a million other things at the same time to justify it. But this stuff is deeply ingrained, and I am a work in progress!

2. Not staying busy these days, means I get in my own head quickly.

Much of my life feels like it’s in shambles right now. I am in a state of high stress most of the time. I have a few things going on that are occupying my mind and making me feel overwhelmed.

My boyfriend and I have parted ways as I try and regroup and figure out what I want from my life. But we are still in contact and are trying to figure out if we have a future or not, even if it’s down the road. In some ways, knowing I still have the love and support of this man and that he is trying to figure out ways to support me where I’m at now, and is seeking solutions that may make us work long term that are better for me, is lovely.

But on the other hand, it is like I keep opening up that scab. I wrote about this recently, and it is a tricky place to be. He understands we parted ways because I need to simplify and de-stress. So he is trying to lay off the pressure and respects me when I say I need to stop thinking, so please stop talking. I am trying to listen to myself and put myself first (your voice is in my head, Troy!). But between missing him, feeling heartsick and wondering if there is a chance for us, there is much stress!

I am also working to extricate my life from my husband. He left over two years ago. It was for the best, but we have remained in each other’s lives in many ways. We share our kids, we run a business together, and we maintain a relationship that has gone back to our friendship roots. In some ways, I’m proud of how we have navigated our separation and I believe it’s thanks to our polyamorous situation that we have felt no pressure to divorce.

Until recently…

Pressure has suddenly been felt on both of our sides to make some changes. I have gotten very frustrated with trying to navigate our finances together. And yet, I need him in this financial capacity because I make very little money on my own, and I don’t want to sell our house, which complicates the situation. So it has felt like a delicate dance from my end.

He is feeling similar pressures for different reasons. His girlfriend wants him to own their relationship more, and I think she’s tired of me still technically being “the wife”. He also feels the financial pressure in that he doesn’t want to support me in the same way. Finding a middle ground in all this, while maintaining a positive connection, may just put me in the ground soon!

I am trying very hard to be kind and thoughtful in all I do. Of course, that isn’t perfect. But I try. And yet I got called “entitled and selfish” by him just recently. Hearing that was a blow when I know in my heart I have been trying to do right by him.

Then on the other hand, since then he has tried to be nice again and is currently helping me revamp our off-grid power system. And I need that help! I cannot do that without his expertise. So I feel like I keep doing this dance of trying to keep the peace and be fair, but learning how to take care of myself in the middle of it all because I feel like he can no longer be trusted to do that job.

I am exhausted!

Did you see the part about revamping the off-grid system? That has caused me NO end of stress and grief as things keep failing around here and to revamp them costs a pile of money I don’t have. But I’m at the point where it needs to be done if I want to keep living here. And so far it is still cheaper than hooking up to the grid.

So when I have times when I can just sit and think, it quickly overwhelms me because everything that enters my brain feels heavy. There is a lot going on in my world and there has been for years, and I am terrible with change, loss, and independence and I have a ton of fear around the endless unknowns.

I am grateful that today my brain feels less fuzzy and the dizzy spells have gone away. Some semblance of normality has returned, which means I can get back to my usual productivity.

But days like yesterday serve as a reminder that I can’t run from my issues, either. Sooner or later, I’ll have to deal with everything that has been haunting me. In the meantime, I am trying to learn to drop the guilt over taking care of myself and enjoying my downtime!

Isn’t it great how life never seems to stop trying to teach you something 🙂

I’m Tired of Being Human

In my next life, I really hope I’m a dog.

Since moving onto this property over 20 years ago, I have had 5 dogs, plus 8 puppies for a time after breeding one of those dogs. I never had dogs growing up, but living where I do, which was essentially in the middle of nowhere all those years ago, it makes sense to have one or 2 around just for protection. However, the company is what I love most, given how much time I spend alone.

I have favoured German Shepherds or German Shepherd crosses thus far. Although one of my dogs is some kind of Shih Tzu cross. I would never have chosen him, but he appeared on our road one day with no owner to be found, and has turned out to be one of our most beloved dogs yet. And despite the rest being similar breeds, they have all been vastly different and delightful in their own ways.

Three of the 5 dogs were strays, and it has baffled me to no end how people dump lovely animals without a second thought. Thankfully, their callousness has worked out well for me, and I am now a true lover of canines and could not imagine my life without at least one at any given time.

As many of you faithful and patient readers know, my life has had no end of turbulence in the last while. Truth be told, it has felt unsteady and stressful for many years. And the last while, as I’ve come to realize I can no longer wish it all away, the changes I have needed to implement in order to take the time I need to sort, deal, and heal, have caused me greater pain than I ever could have imagined.

Being separated from the love of my life has been excruciating and in the last 8 or so weeks, I have done no end of questioning whether my decision to take a step back from this relationship was right or wrong. It has been agony and as anyone who has gone through grief and heartbreak knows, it gets tiring.

I just want it to stop already!

In many ways, I am lucky. I live in a beautiful setting on 5 acres of land. And when life starts to overwhelm me, I can step outside my door and gain instant perspective from the nature that surrounds me. The fresh air, the beauty, the sounds, and the furry and feathered friends feed and soothe my soul. Sadly, it’s not a fix, or I wouldn’t keep going in circles talking about the same old stuff. But it is a break. And that is something.

As I stare at the surrounding scene, and as my dog inevitably comes over to me for a snuggle, I keep ending up thinking the same thing. In my next life, I sure hope I’m a dog!

I know not all dogs’ lives are created equal. Mine have it pretty good because they get to be dogs. My old Shih Tzu guy spends most of his day sleeping inside and living for meal time. But he is loved intensely by everyone who steps through my door, and gets no end of attention.

My young dog, who came to me only about a year ago, is a huge shepherd cross, who has a beautiful disposition to match his handsome looks. He has a scary bark and a soft heart. All day long, he chases chipmunks, naps in the sun, bathes in the pond on hot days, protects me from bears, and gets loved by everyone who is around. He joins me as I do my chores in the morning, takes walks with me, and sits beside me while I’m reading a book. At night, he happily goes to his kennel, where he can take a break from standing guard, being a companion, and chasing all the things. He sleeps contently and is happy as a clam when I let him out in the morning to do it all over again.

That is THE LIFE from my perspective!

Animals, in general, live in the moment. They don’t have to practice mindfulness. That is their state of being. They react to what is in front of them. There is learning and conditioning, of course. And I believe animals fully experience emotion. But it’s also simple because I don’t believe they overthink, harbour grudges, dwell on the past or worry about the future.

I cannot read their minds, of course. But from observation, it looks like my dog does whatever makes him happy and content in the present moment. He will eat if he is hungry. He drinks when he is thirsty. He naps if he wants to sleep or do nothing. And he will wander around and chase things or stare at the sunset if he is so moved. He experiences joy in every moment of living because that is how he is wired.

It is a beautiful thing to behold, and I am endlessly envious of his simple life these days. I wish so badly to have that kind of peace and joy in my life WITHOUT all the endless overthinking. As a human, I don’t imagine I will ever be on the same level of contentment as a dog. But it does make you think. Nature makes her way to be whatever she is intended to be, despite whatever challenges may come. She stays true to herself through it all. My dog will never try to be my cat. And the tree will never try to be the pond.

There is a lesson in there for all of us.

It might be harder to dig down to the roots of who we are, especially once life has taken a beating, but if we keep digging, I believe eventually we can get back to who we were meant to be. And then we can strive to be that person and find joy and contentment in the truth of being plain old us.

I’m not sure that I believe in reincarnation. But more and more I like the idea and see it as a hope to do or be something different in another life. I will try to do my best with this life that has been given to me. But hey, maybe in the next one, I’ll be rewarded for a job well done, and get to be a happy-go-lucky, dog 🙂

Life is Short and I Don’t Know Which Direction to Go

Should I let myself be loved by who and what I know, or should I move on and take the risk of being alone for a long time or even forever?

Life and death are heavy on my mind and heart this week. I am always somewhat aware that life is indeed fleeting. I think getting older does that to most of us. Having kids and watching them grow up all too quickly definitely contributes. But losing one of my best friends to cancer just over a year ago was a harsh reminder of that reality.

Despite our best efforts, anything can happen to any of us, at any time.

This week I have the pull of two things reminding me that life is precious and that time goes all too quickly. My stepfather died at the beginning of the week after a painful, but thankfully short, bout with bone cancer, AND it is also my birthday this week.

I spent the morning with my mom, doing some funeral planning and generally being there so that she had someone to talk to. It hasn’t even been 5 years since she buried my dad. And now, she is laying her husband of fewer than 3 years to rest, once again. That is a lot for one person to handle. And we warned her of that very real possibility when she got remarried to an older man. It seems unfair. But on the other hand, she doesn’t appear to have any regrets. Yes, she is experiencing pain now and her time with her late husband was short, but it was full of joy. They lived life together while they had the chance. And that really is the point, isn’t it?

As I’m on the cusp of turning another year older, I am heavy in thought. How do I want to proceed with the time I have left? What do I value? How do I want to spend my time in general, and with whom do I want to spend it?

After my last post about letting go, I got brave, checked my messages and communicated with my love (still not saying ex). We talked for over 3 hrs on the phone, which is the first time I heard his voice in almost 2 months. It was intense. We caught up, we laughed, I cried, and we talked about how much we love each other despite where we are now. He misses me and wants me back in his world. He wants to live out his life loving me to the best of his abilities. And I feel the same way and wish for all of that. Except I have a BUT…

We are not together for a reason. I was in pain. My stress levels were through the roof. And despite never questioning this man’s love for me, I also felt like being in a polyamorous situation, while not identifying as poly myself, was too hard on me. What I was getting wasn’t enough compared to what I felt I was putting in. And I needed to step back and take the time to figure out what I want and need from a relationship. But first, I need to do some healing.

He made the point several times that life is short. And it feels ludicrous that we are denying ourselves the kind of love and intensity that we share when tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

I honestly do not know what to do with that. He is not wrong. I know what I have with this man. I know what I’m missing by cutting him out of my life, and it’s a lot! And yet, there’s the other tougher stuff too. If I could have made it all work, would I not have figured it out by now? Or do I simply need time and healing from other wounds before I know what I truly want or can handle? I don’t know, and it’s driving me nuts!

I miss him badly. Letting him go and being without him is pain on every level. Is it simply a matter of which pain is less? I’m thinking there should not be any pain. Is that an option?

If I only had a week to live, I would choose him in a heartbeat. But, if I knew I had 10 years, I’m not sure my answer would be the same. There are things he is willing to work on and make better for me, logistically speaking, if that is enough to make the difference. But, we also agreed, that if being together is causing me pain because it is at odds with who I am and who he is, we should not be together.

And that is the crux of it.

Is our love enough? Or will it continue to burn me and cause pain if I open that door back up? And if we remain apart forever, will that pain let up, teach me something and lead to better things? Will I ever love again, or will I live in this lonely limbo of uncertainty with regrets I didn’t love fully while I had the chance?

This is the reality I wish to be our story….

True love is many things and can survive the strongest and most painful of times. When love comes out the other side of a fire, it may be scarred forever, but this bruised love is somehow only greater for having survived the pain.”
― John Carter Cash, House of Cash: The Legacies of My Father, Johnny Cash

But is this the reality that will actually be?

We cannot achieve personal enlightenment — a clarification of our souls — until we cease deluding ourselves. We must accept that life includes witnessing and personally experiencing pain.”
― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls

I suppose if my pain eventually leads to a clarification of my soul, it might be worth the price of losing my love.

The path forward is confusing to me, to say the least. I am torn, and neither option is easy.

Life is short, so which direction should I go?

Letting Go… Over and Over

Every day, I have to let go of my heartbreak all over again.

I’m not sure if I’m slow, stubborn, or normal, but it seems like I have to purposefully set aside my broken heart, day after day, if I want to remain a functional and productive human being. I think, perhaps, the spaces between the excruciating pain are getting longer. But then again, there are some days when I feel like I’m in a minute-by-minute battle with my emotions. And I feel paralyzed by it all.

Any little thing serves as a catalyst to remind me of my loss, and before I know it, I am overwhelmed with emotion. The emotional attack comes in all kinds of forms. I’m regularly experiencing anger, frustration, resentment, and hopelessness. But most of the time, it’s plain old sadness that prevails.

I cry a lot these days. Granted, I’m not one of those people who are great at putting on a brave face for the sole purpose of covering up how I’m feeling. I have found that I have softened as I’ve aged (in more ways than one, haha), and I tend to let my emotions out more and more.

Well, these days they are certainly out front and center!

In the midst of my ongoing sadness, what I am finding frustrating is that I think I make progress and then a trigger makes me feel like I’m starting from scratch again. I know there is no logical progression with grief of any form and that it does not follow a nice linear pattern. But I still thought it would take on an overall emotionally positive trajectory by now. I assumed the relief of not trying to push what didn’t work in my relationship would be the prevailing feeling at this point.

I am not finding this to be the case.

Funny enough, I just ran into an Instagram quote that made me realize that as with most difficult things in life, there is some practice to overcoming it. Most people cannot simply make some kind of decision to change or get over something and have that be the end of the story. Surprise, surprise, I am not unique in this way.

let go more than once
let go when an old pattern
wants to drag you back into the past
let go when narratives
run wild in your mind
let go every time you try
to cause yourself extra trouble
there is healing in repetition
soon, peace will feel familiar
yung pueblo

I’m tired of feeling fragile. And I’m tired of feeling this loss so profoundly. I’m also tired of these feelings affecting everything in my life. I am trying to push and to move forward, but it is almost like being stuck in the mud. Letting go is clearly a process and I know it will be better once I get out, but I also realize the act of totally moving out of that space will possibly cause more loss.

It is likely I will have to lose one or both boots in order to leave this muddy space completely. And I’m honestly scared to lose even more than I already have. I’m not even sure what that looks like. But something is keeping me in the mud. Perhaps it is partly some unfinished business I need to deal with and being afraid of what dealing of those things will do long term.

For starters, I need to have a conversation with my boyfriend’s mom about some info she sent me that I did not want to see or hear last week regarding my love, that sent me into a tailspin. She did not mean to hurt me, I’m sure, but that act was the last thing I needed that day, and I cannot have it happen again.

I also need to stop avoiding one of my email accounts and check my messages and deal with whatever my boyfriend may or may not have sent me after I tackled a few agonizing topics a couple of weeks ago. My goal was to create some intentional distance. But at the same time, I cannot ignore him forever either. At least not with things hanging over us that require discussion.

I feel paralyzed regarding both these tasks. In dealing with either of these, I know I will experience more hurt again before it gets better, and I just don’t know how much more I can handle. Ripping off scabs that are finally healing has never really been my thing.

Every day, I need to keep letting go. But at the same time, I have to do some things that are really hard right now that will keep me from letting go, at least temporarily. So I feel stuck, and I am staying still while I mull it all over. I’m not sure if that’s what I should be doing, but I am trying to protect myself above all else, I suppose.

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul.
It is daily admission of one’s weakness…
And so, it is better in prayer to have a heart
without words than words without a heart.
-Gandhi

I feel weak, I feel broken, and my soul is most definitely longing. For what, I’m not totally sure. I just long to not be where I am now, and peace is most definitely on that list. I am praying I will find my way through this heart mess, even if I don’t always know how to put all of this into words that make sense.

In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to let go. Over and over…

My Dreams Are Exhausting!

I’m realizing that even when I find sleep these days, it’s not terribly restful. But I feel like the chaotic dreams are trying to tell me something.

Firstly, scientifically speaking, what is a dream?

a physiologically and psychologically conscious state that occurs during sleep and is often characterized by a rich array of endogenous sensory, motor, emotional, and other experiences. Dreams occur most often, but by no means exclusively, during periods of REM sleep. Dreams — APA Dictionary of Psychology https://dictionary.apa.org › dream)

I have always been one of those people for whom dreams feel like an essential part of my life. They have never been a secondary or forgotten part of my night like they are for many. In my experience, more people forget their dreams than they remember them, and most dismiss them unless they stand out in some unusual way. Whereas I, for as long as I can remember, wake up almost daily with dream memories, and desire to share and hash through whatever appeared to my subconscious with whoever happens to be around.

If I wait too long to share them, I start to forget, like everyone else. And it frustrates me because I feel that they are often important in guiding my life and helping me with whatever is going on. Given no one is around when I wake up most of the time these days, I have taken to occasionally journaling dreams that I feel have a deeper meaning.

I fully believe that dreams can tell you or show you things you need to hear or see, or teach you truths you need to know, find or process.

Do dreams tell you something?

Dreams tell you what you really know about something, what you really feel. They point you toward what you need for growth, integration, expression, and the health of your relationships to person, place, and thing. They can help you fine-tune your direction and show you your unfinished business. Apr 20, 2016, Psychology Today

Since the break-up of my boyfriend and me, my dreams have been tumultuous, to say the least! There are few nights where he is not part of my dreams somehow. For the first few weeks, I found that they focused on what we used to be. You know how most of us wish for fun sex dreams? Well after we broke up I had endless sex dreams about my love, and it was pure torture! Waking up and realizing what I didn’t have anymore was a whole other kind of hell to bear every day.

Lately, my dream life has shifted more to process my emotions. What is strange is that I am not only working through my relationship with my boyfriend and digging into if the practice of polyamory works for me or not, but I am also going way back into my childhood and processing various traumas I have experienced throughout my life in ways that are new.

Part of what broke up my love and I, is the knowledge that I have stuff to work through from the time period of our relationship (that had nothing to do with our relationship), but also prior. How far prior was not something I was sure about until recently. I only knew the stress had caught up to me and I needed to take time for myself to do some work.

This week, in my dreamworld, was particularly jarring as forgotten people and memories suddenly surfaced for me. I had issues with men when I was little. Often I displayed or voiced discomfort to my parents when I was or had been in the presence of my friend’s father or an older cousin, or even a male Sunday school teacher. When I was an older teenager, my mom finally told me why they stopped letting me go to sleepovers at my friends’ houses. I thought they were being strict or mean, and really they were worried about me because they heard me express discomfort in these situations more than once. As a parent, I fully understand they didn’t want to let me out of their sight!

My parents tried to dig into this at the time, but to the best of my knowledge, we didn’t find out any sinister truth behind my fears or discomforts. I did have an experience with a teenage boy when I was about 7 that scared me and made me very uncomfortable as he forced me in a closet and made me do sexual things to him. I never told anyone about this until very recently. And although it was one of several occurrences that has affected my trust and intimacy issues, I still don’t think it was the root of my fear of older men. My pattern was more focused on the age group of my parents.

The other night, as I was sleeping, I started working my way backwards through my fears and different people where my discomfort surfaced. It was truly fascinating even as it was happening. I felt like I was getting closer and closer to the truth and to answers I’ve been seeking, even subconsciously, my entire life.

And then I woke up!

I was so frustrated! And yet, at the same time, I shared what I learned as quickly as I could to keep it stewing longer in my brain and I felt hope that I was getting closer to some truth that has been haunting me my whole life. That dream stuck with me all that day, and sadly I do not yet have the answers to the final question, but a few things were remembered that filled some gaps. I feel like I may have more information to share with my mom and see if she can shed some light on any of it for me from her perspective.

If anyone has techniques of how I can dig deeper to find more answers, I’m all ears!

I have a lot of trouble sleeping these days. So when I do, it is a massive relief. And yet, the nights I have been having when I do sleep feel very full and not particularly restful.

I feel like my subconscious is working hard to process all iterations of the relationships I have experienced in my life in hopes I will glean more information as to why I behave and respond like I do in any given situation with another human.

I am grateful my brain is trying to dig and find ways to heal some of the pain and trauma I have been through. The fact that our brains are even capable of this stuff is fascinating! I know this is a necessary part of my journey. But all the same, I am hoping for a simple and restful dreamless sleep one day soon!

People Need to Take the Time to Actually Read Ads, Profiles, Etc!

I’m so tired of explaining readily available information over and over, when it is only laziness to blame.

In any format where this can happen, this has always been a pet peeve of mine. When people are trying to buy something, date you or generally get information from you, why do they NOT read the ad or the profile BEFORE they start asking questions? I am talking about this today because, sadly, this is more the norm than not. And I experienced it yet again today!

I am not up for this at the moment. I feel lousy because I partied too hard with a bunch of 20 something year old kids last night (I know how silly that sounds but here I am), I’m tired, and I’m emotionally spent from some new drama unfolding with my ex-husband. Never mind the fact that I am still plain old raw from my recent breakup. I do not have the energy to deal with morons.

And the fact that I’m calling people names now says a lot about my state of mind. I just don’t have it in me to be nice at the moment. But given I have to deal with people, whether they read the needed info or not, I have decided to vent to you guys instead of resorting to violence or some kind of unhealthy behaviour. I am mostly joking. I will not resort to violence, and I am actually a pretty kind and understanding person. I’ve just had it today!

There are three arenas where this has been a big frustration in my life…

Online dating

Years ago, when I first got into online dating, this was aggravating to me over and over. I took the time to write a detailed profile and explain myself as accurately as possible. Given I was seeking polyamory, I knew I would not be a fit for most people, and I didn’t want to waste their time or mine. So I put the effort into being open, honest, and detail-oriented enough to weed out people who didn’t fit. But over and over people would stop at the picture and the fact that I was female and start asking stupid questions, and then were shocked when I told them I was married. It said non-monogamy in the first part of my profile!

When you are engaged in online dating, is the whole point not to get to know a person and find the best fit possible? Why on earth would you not take the time to read what a person has to offer? And to clarify, these people are literate enough to engage in a written conversation. They just don’t put the effort in right off the bat. The good thing here is that is an easy red flag for me, and you can move right along and find someone else to talk to if you can’t take a few minutes to read what I have to say.

Online sales ads like Facebook Marketplace

I have spent a lot of time in the last couple of years trying to sell things. My husband left me with quite a mess on the property, and I also need money. So I have been sorting, throwing away, and selling things regularly.

I work hard to be clear about what I am selling. Again, I am not big on wasting anyone’s time, especially my own. By time and time again, I run into the same issues. People DO NOT READ the ads! I try to be concise and accurate. I don’t go on and on with useless information. But I have also bought enough on those platforms to know what is needed. So I aim to have good pictures, I am clear about what I am selling, including the condition and price, and I am good at communicating. If I am trying to sell something, I stay on top of it. And I wish others would do the same when I try to buy from them.

But the pattern is there no matter which side I’m on. Inevitably, people ask me questions that are clearly written in the ad. And then drop off because it’s not what they wanted. They could have saved us both time and frustration had they simply done their due diligence!

My Airbnb listing

I can now add another arena for this kind of miscommunication—my Airbnb. My listing is unique in what it has to offer and what it does not offer. I am off-grid. It is a camper. There is running water, but no hot water or shower. I have animals, including a dog that is loose and runs around the place except at night. I have tried to be very clear in my listing because I don’t want people to be disappointed or surprised when they get here.

I am happy to say that in my six bookings so far (this enterprise is only a little more than a week old), four of my groups have been lovely and seemed to have done the needed reading and knew what they were getting into. So all in all, that isn’t too bad statistically speaking.

One couple was alright, except that they were totally taken aback by my dog and were terrified to be out of their vehicle until I took the time to get them out while showing them my dog intended no harm. Now, I understand not everyone loves dogs. That is totally fine with me. But I do make a thing about how I am a pet-friendly host because I have animals of all sorts. So the fact that I had a dog should not have been such a shock. Luckily that was the only hiccough and I made sure the dog left them alone and all was well.

The check-in I had today was a whole other thing. To be fair to start, there is a language barrier in this group. So I am assuming that is the main problem here. But then again, given this is all online, I feel like there are pretty easy ways to translate these days too. To start, the man booked as one person but actually brought a wife and child along who he is not paying for apparently. He seemed to be confused about the camper in general and what kind of amenities it would have. He was then wondering where the shower was as we were madly trying to sign with each other that there is running water in the kitchen sink but NO shower. There seemed to be many questions and much confusion, and I’m assuming they only ended up here because my price is dramatically lower than anyone else in my area.

I have yet to see how the night unfolds with this group, but I’m guessing the next question will be about where the second bed is. I’m hoping people who are travelling the world may also have some knowledge that tables can turn into beds in RVs, or at least be able to google some instructions, but we shall see.

For the moment, I feel better. Writing is thankfully very cathartic for me. But, let this serve as a warning to all. Please show respect to those who put in the effort to give you important information, and do the reading before you sign up for the thing or start asking questions that waste everyone’s time! If you made it this far, I am likely preaching to the choir anyway 🙂

A small addendum to my night…
The power went out and was out all night because the guests tried to run things our power system could not handle. There was also arguing through the night and the man kept wandering around my property. It really threw me off, and I actually locked my doors, which is a rare occurrence around here. We made it through and they are now gone. But the man lost his glasses, which I found within minutes of their departure, and now he isn’t responding to messages. This should be fun…

Fear Takes Up Too Much Of My Energy!

For as long as I can remember, fear has been a dominant force.

Fear — an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. (Oxford Dictionary)

Fall has always been a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, I am a September baby, and I always wanted to be excited about my birthday. But on the other hand, for as long as I was in school (about 18 years including post-secondary), it was a time of high anxiety because I was always overwhelmed with the fear of new beginnings or simply the unknown.

This pattern was my thing as far back as I can remember, and is still very much a part of who I am. I am scared of so many things. I am scared of being alone, I’m scared of getting hurt, I’m scared of trying new things, I’m scared of meeting new people, I’m scared of failing, I’m scared of running out of money, don’t even get me started about fire, etc, etc…. Around every corner there is fear for some reason!

Humans are made to avoid pain. It makes sense on an evolutionary basis. Flight or fight and stay alive is how we all got here. But I take it to an unhealthy level, to the point where I constantly fear what may not even come to fruition. And I stop myself from moving forward even on things I want to do because the fear cripples me.

Well, it turns out you can’t run from the pain of life. As much as I try to avoid it, it manages to find me. And I have a feeling life is trying to teach me some lessons. And to my chagrin, I am a very slow learner.

For the past pile of years, there has been non-stop change in my world. New variables have been thrown at me almost constantly, only a few of which I had control over. New relationships, loss of relationships, sickness, death, loss of businesses and thus no income and money issues to the point where I can barely put food on the table, kids growing up and flying the coop, constant challenges around my off-grid living situation which have escalated since my husband (the expert) left, and I could go on.

In the midst of all of this, I, the one who is scared of change and newness and craves consistency, decided to embrace polyamory! Go figure, that was a tough fit for me. Especially in the midst of a world that has constantly felt like it’s on the brink of falling apart. Polyamory is by definition an insecure type of arrangement. That does not mean you can’t find secure attachments by any means. But it takes work and being conscientious of yourself, your needs and the needs of your partner and all other partners involved. Effort and awareness for one reason or another is always necessary, so this lifestyle is not for those who want to coast through life or the faint of heart.

I feel that despite my fears and numerous stresses, I lived polyamory well. I tried to be a good partner to all my attachments and a good metamour to my partner’s partners. I worked hard to embrace the unknown in hopes that it would make me better. In some ways, it did. I am a stronger, more independent person today than I was 8 years ago. But it still took its toll to the point where I started suffering physically from the stress.

At this point in my life, I need to back up and take care of myself. My go-to is to take care of others, and I will absolutely put others ahead of myself in order to do so. But now I am suffering the consequences.

It’s time to simplify my life as much as I can. Clearly, not everything is under my control. But those things that are, are things that I am tackling head-on. Moving away from my love and from polyamory at this time is a big part of that. As devastating as it has been, I know I need to step back and find a way to stop the fear cycle in every part of my life which has led to constant unhealthy stress, and find a way to get healthy again. Living in the state I was in and putting my stress on my love was not fair to either of us, and it was one factor that made our beautiful relationship slowly unravel.

I was doing my daily reading by Mark Nepo, from The Book Of Awakening, the other day, and what he had to say here really struck a chord in me…

I quickly realized that fear gained its power whenever I would leave the moment at hand to imagine bad things descending in the future, like pain and loss and grief. Even when realizing this, I was hard-pressed to stop it, and soon I discovered that worry was the mental echo of fear, the replaying in detail of all the bad things that might or might not come into being.

This was a reminder of things I need to keep doing, start doing or restart doing, like:

gratitude practice
meditation practice
mindfulness practice (yes I’m deliberately adding practice to these things to remind myself it’s not about achieving perfection, it’s about doing the thing consistently and imperfectly)
reassessing my values
being true to who I am
create a vision of what I want and where I want to go
push myself to start new things
keep doing new things even if I fail
open myself up to new people
say yes more than I say no
establish boundaries around people and situations that are causing me stress

One thing I learned from some book many years ago is that at any given moment, I am ok. I may not have been ok before and there may be bad things coming, but if I stop thinking and let myself just be in whatever is right now, most of the time, in this present moment, I am fine. And I try to remind myself of this truth regularly when the emotions hit, the stressors threaten, and fear of the unknown takes over.

I will always have fears, but I need not be my fears, for I have other places within myself from which to speak and act. (Parker J. Palmer)

My First Weekend With An Airbnb Has Been a Whirlwind!

I did not expect to be this busy, and I am loving the distraction!

My vintage beauty :) — My Vintage Beauty

Running some kind of guest accommodation has been in my thoughts for most of my life. I grew up in a bed and breakfast when that was still a little-known concept in my neck of the woods. Tourism and hospitality have always felt like they’ve been in my blood.

My mom (my dad was more the quiet supporter in this business) was a pioneer in that industry as far as our town goes. My parents started up their business during the 1986 expo in Vancouver, BC, which was relatively close to us. For years, they had struggled with finances. They moved to our city for a job and only a year after that the rug got pulled out from under them (and many others as the economy went haywire and interest rates soared in the early 1980s) as my dad lost his job. He did odd jobs but wasn’t able to find anything consistent. My mom was a piano teacher, which basically held our family together in those years. But it didn’t quite cut it.

The year of the expo made a few people rethink how to capitalize on the growing tourism industry, including my parents. So they started the bed and breakfast and within a few years, it became their main source of income and remained so through another move and until my dad became too sick with Alzheimer’s to continue.

It was a busy way to live and kept my parents tied down for much of the year. But it was also very interesting in that they met people from all over the world. They made some connections which lasted a lifetime. It was very cool to be a part of that world growing up.

From an early age, tourism and hospitality were part of my life, and the concept felt like a natural fit for me to work into my life at some point.

I have always wanted to build a cabin on my property and run the same kind of business, minus the breakfast (that always seemed like way too much work to me, and I am NOT a morning person). But we never had money or time to build anything. And frankly, we were too busy supporting my husband’s many business ideas over the years to sink energy into this idea.

But life has changed for me now. In every way. My husband is gone and is seeking a divorce. My boyfriend and I broke up last month. And I now find myself with both a need to make money (while I am still stuck mostly at home given my off-grid lifestyle) and more time on my hands now that I’m not travelling to see my love every week or two.

I still don’t have money to build that cabin, but I decided to go for it in a way that was feasible for me right now — I bought a vintage camper. Since then, my boys and I have been clearing a spot for said camper. We build the prettiest outhouse you’ve ever seen. And we set up a whole, totally private area on the property for this endeavour. I have been cleaning and making the inside of the camper homey and comfortable. I have been perusing Facebook marketplace non-stop for all the extras like outdoor furniture. And a few weeks later, I am relieved to say it is done!

At this point, I am quite happy with the results, and everyone who sees it agrees. It is an inviting space, inside and out, that is filled with twinkle lights in the middle of a grove of lush deciduous trees. The whole effect is a bit magical, despite the simplicity.

This weekend was my first open weekend and I filled it on night one! The past few days have been busy with last-minute adjustments, answering about 5000 messages and trying to juggle four different groups wanting to come simultaneously and then watching who booked it the quickest. It has been amusing and very time-consuming.

My first guests were a friendly couple who checked in early and didn’t leave the property until check-out time. They needed a break from life with some real relaxation, and that is exactly what they got. In the last 2 weeks, they lost both of their dogs unexpectedly, and they were heartbroken about it and needed a getaway to regroup. My dog stepped up and was a gracious host and didn’t leave their sides all evening. Apparently they almost took him home but left him a note of thanks instead 🙂

There were a few hiccoughs with things like the BBQ not staying lit, and trying to explain why they could not run a fan all night given the off-grid situation, but all in all, they were lovely, and it went well, and it was cool to meet new people and hear just a bit of their story. This is exactly one of the reasons I wanted to go into this kind of business.

My second set of guests was a group of 3 guys. They recently moved from India to various parts of our province and were doing some exploring before regular life took over, and they needed to settle on careers and such things. They were incredibly friendly and very taken with the quiet simplicity of our setting. They spent their stay meandering about our mountain, enjoying the views, and soaking up nature.

So far, so good! And at this point, I have a day before my next guests are booked, so I am taking some time to relax and get some writing done.

Time-consuming and distracting is just fine with me these days. The less time I have to sit around and mull over life and feel those emotional waves hit, the better. Yes, there are moments when I might be running from my tumultuous feelings. And there are just as many moments that they catch me, no matter how fast I’m trying to run. But, heartbroken or not, I am hopeful better days are coming, and I have a life to live no matter my emotional state. So that is precisely what I am trying to do.

Staying positive doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time. It means that even on hard days you know that there are better ones coming. (Unknown)

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…

He loves me. Breakups are awful, but they don’t have to be nasty.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

Last night my love (yes I mean the recent ex) and I traded a few messages again. We had some housekeeping-type things to discuss. There are some loose ends regarding shared finance stuff. I have a trailer at his place I am not emotionally ready to deal with, nor do I have a physical way to get it home right now. It needs some work before it can be moved, and I wanted to make sure delaying that was ok with him. I’ve been putting these topics off, but he brought up the finances, so we delved into a few other things while we were at it.

These days, I always feel immediate anxiety when I see a message from him, and I find myself needing to mentally prepare if I intend to communicate with him. It’s funny how seeing this man’s name pop up on my screen used to make my heart skip a beat in the best way. And I guess it still does skip a beat. But not in the happy way it used to. Anything we have to say these days always has the potential to feel loaded somehow. And last week we got into some heavy topics that got very frustrating and sent me over the edge emotionally, once again. We had to disengage as the waves were threatening to engulf me.

But yesterday, out of necessity, we started up again. And it was anxiety producing. But it also turned out to be ok.

We both admitted we were not doing well, but living and trying to move forward all the same. We agreed to not get into more than was necessary and save feelings for another time. And I felt fine and reasonably even keeled.

And then he sent his last message and I cried. Or should I say, I sobbed? For a while. But not in a bad way, exactly.

Out of the blue, he offered his assistance with some projects he knew I need help with. Besides being a rancher, he is a carpenter by trade and has wanted to tackle some jobs around my place that no one here has the expertise to finish. He also said he intended to bring me a load of firewood before the weather turns.

Those few simple sentences shot right to my heart, and they reminded me of one thing.

He still loves me.

That made me ache and long for my love all over again. It was hard as the emotions hit me, but part of me also felt overwhelmed with gratitude that I am still, to some extent, in this amazing man’s sphere of care. And that even in our current circumstances, he is finding a way to show that to me.

I don’t have a lot of break-ups in my past, and the ending of my marriage was a slow unwinding of two lives and a change in a dynamic more than a cut and dry ending. So I’m not sure how most people break up, but from what I gather, it is usually ugly. We have had our moments where things have gotten heated for sure. There are a lot of emotions and frustrations tied up in our situation! But overall, this experience has not been ugly. And I cannot emphasize how grateful I am for that.

We are both viscerally aware when we start pushing too hard and go too far down that rabbit hole of what was said or not said. When we are getting into the territory where things could get resentful, we pause. And then we stop.

I have told him numerous times now that I will share my side, I will stand up for myself and I will call him out if need be, BUT I will also always be kind, I will be gracious, I will listen to him, and I will love him forever.

He has behaved the same as me for the most part. There was one day when it was turning, and I asked him to stop before it got ugly. I told him that I deserved better. And he stopped and reoriented.

Despite how we’ve been trying to behave with love, grace and kindness, I still did not expect him to reach out and try to fill some big gaps in my life that he knows would really help me out. Distance is needed right now because there are too many feelings floating around. And I told him as much as I am dying to see him, I also know I can’t handle that yet.

But wow, it was nice to know that he still cares. The things I’m up to and how I am doing matter to him. I believe him when he says he will always love me. But the fact that he is still willing to show it, knowing it will cost him, and he will not get me in return in the way he wants, is huge.

This situation still sucks. My heart hurts and I am extremely fragile. But I am striving hard to live in a state of gratitude even if things aren’t where I wanted them to be. And for better or worse, it’s still nice to know some things haven’t changed.

He loves me.

The Waves Keep Hitting Me

And I’m starting to feel emotionally seasick.

Just when I think each day is better than the last and I start feeling like there is hope for my future, another wave comes crashing down over me and I go back to feeling like I’m drowning.

My boyfriend and I (I can’t seem to say ex-boyfriend yet) found ourselves at the one-month mark that we had been apart last week. We both had the same idea and felt drawn to check in with each other. I woke up to two emails from him that morning, after I’d spent much of the night unable to sleep and wishing for him. Apparently, he was in the same boat.

I responded to him, and this started up our back-and-forth communication again over a few days. And I can’t say it’s been good for either of us. So why did we even try?

I guess we have a few reasons…

We miss each other
Despite the fact that we know this parting was necessary, all of our feelings for each other remain. We are deeply in love, and we are desperately missing what was. Not only that, but we also care about each other and our happiness. There is no malicious intent in our situation. All the feelings and truths about what was great remain and after someone being a vital part of your daily existence for 8 years, you cannot help but feel that gap in a huge way. The vacancy he has left in my world is poignant, and he seems to feel the same.
We are trying to apply logic to a situation that defies logic
Because of how we feel about each other, this break-up makes no logical sense to either of us on many levels. There should not be this much affinity, love, lust, chemistry, caring, vulnerability and friendship present and yet have a relationship not work. We are highly frustrated that after all this time and how much worked well between us, we find ourselves miles apart, both literally and figuratively. We know there are logical reasons why we didn’t work and yet, given this whole thing is so emotions based, it is hard to make sense of. Love should have been enough. We wanted it to be enough SO badly, and yet, it wasn’t.
We are trying to understand each other and where we went wrong
Over and over we keep hashing out our past and where the communication started to break down. As I said in the above point, we are trying to apply logic to our situation in hopes that we can understand and somehow feel better about where we are. I think there can be value in this exercise, but at some point, it feels like we are beating a dead horse. There is no point. We do not feel remotely better! Discussions will not change where we are, and they will not bring us back together. I am hoping we both learn and do better in the future, so some dissection of our relationship is a good idea just for that reason. But we are at the point, once again, where we know we need to stop most of our communication before things turn ugly and resentful.

I’m not sure if the communication is causing the extra waves, or if I’d be feeling them anyway. But we know we are not helping ourselves by communicating when it brings only frustration to the table, either. I had a decent day on Saturday in that I felt productive and like I was leaning into my future in a healthy way. Tangible progress was made as I was working on some important goals, I had good people around me who were helping me, and it was easy to sink into gratitude. And that very night my mood totally shifted, I barely slept and was overcome with sadness, anxiety, longing and endless questioning over all my life choices.

I was basically a wreck on Sunday as a result. My whole day was filled with reminders of what once was and what will never be again. My kids and I did a few hours of driving to go celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday at my ex-husband’s place in a different town. It was a nice diversion, and I enjoyed the company, but I did that very drive with my boyfriend not that long ago, and all I could picture was us together, the places we stopped, and what we shared and talked about. I basically cried all the way home as I debated the gains and losses of my situation with my oldest son, who was driving and patiently listening and trying to offer reason to me.

It was a really tough day, and it was followed by cruel dreams where my boyfriend and I were together like nothing had changed. I woke up this morning with that slow and terrible realization that my life resembles little to what it was only a couple of months ago, and I felt that weight of waves crashing over me, all over again.

I can’t change where I am. I know in the long term this is what is best for me. And I have even glimpsed moments of hope and joy again. But I am frustrated with how fleeting those moments are. So at times like this, all I can really do is write and get it off my chest as much as I can at this moment, hope the waves slow down a bit, and then get back to my day and living my life to the best of my abilities.

Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch. You’re starting from experience. (Mel Robbins)

One foot in front of the other…