I sense your presence. My eyes fly open! Am I awake or am I asleep? I feel you watching me. I turn and awkwardly look around me, though I am lying down. My bed is against the wall in the middle of the room. Where am I? I still feel you near me and look up over my right shoulder. I see you smiling down at me from the top bunk in the corner of the room. A smile washes over me. I try to speak but no words come out. I try to move towards you but I am paralyzed. I feel bewildered. I feel frustrated. You continue to watch me and you smile. Your eyes pierce my soul as they always have, and they calm me. I feel you say my name. I feel you say you will never, could never forget me. I feel you say you will never leave me, though your lips don’t move. You can’t touch me. No sounds part from your lips. You aren’t able to move any more than I. It’s agony, but oddly I feel peace at the same time. It’s the first time in a long time. I don’t know where I am or where you are. I don’t know where we are going. But I know now, without a doubt, our hearts and soles are bonded. Forever. The light goes dim like it’s the end of a play. Your smile fades as it does. I cling to your face until it is dark once more. I still don’t know where I am. Am I awake or am I asleep? But one thing I do know — although we may never again be together in this life, we will never truly be apart. I am at peace.
To get you all caught up as to what I’m talking about, ENTP is a personality type on the Myers-Briggs types indicator.
ENTPs are inspired innovators, motivated to find new solutions to intellectually challenging problems. They are curious and clever, and seek to comprehend the people, systems, and principles that surround them. Open-minded and unconventional, Visionaries want to analyze, understand, and influence other people.
ENTPs enjoy playing with ideas and especially like to banter with others. They use their quick wit and command of language to keep the upper hand with other people, often cheerfully poking fun at their habits and eccentricities. While the ENTP enjoys challenging others, in the end they are usually happy to live and let live. They are rarely judgmental, but they may have little patience for people who can’t keep up. (Truity.com)
This personality type makes up less than 3% of the population and yet in my small pool of people immediately associated with me, I know three of these. My husband, my husband’s girlfriend, and my boyfriend are all ENTP’s.
I on the other hand, am an ENFJ. The opposite in many ways and also a rare combo apparently.
ENFJs are idealist organizers, driven to implement their vision of what is best for humanity. They often act as catalysts for human growth because of their ability to see potential in other people and their charisma in persuading others to their ideas. They are focused on values and vision, and are passionate about the possibilities for people.
ENFJs are typically energetic and driven, and often have a lot on their plates. They are tuned into the needs of others and acutely aware of human suffering; however, they also tend to be optimistic and forward-thinking, intuitively seeing opportunity for improvement. The ENFJ is ambitious, but their ambition is not self-serving: rather, they feel personally responsible for making the world a better place. (truity.com)
How do we work together?
In many ways our types work well together because we pick up the slack from each other and can be a good balance if we can manage to stay on the same page.
My husband and I did well together in regards to emergencies, raising kids together, and long term planning, because I was good at the daily realities, keeping us organized and focused, and he was good at dreaming and finding the skill sets to do those things that would bring our ideas to fruition. Getting a project finished is a whole other topic mind you. Too many ideas and too little time!
My boyfriend and I don’t live life together so it looks different for us. But I am still the planner and organizer and try to keep things on track. He’s the type who says he misses me and craves what we have together and yet will get caught up in the rest of his life and do little to make a hang out happen in real time, and yet wonders why he is losing his mind with need when we approach 2 weeks apart. But he communicates his wants and needs and I find a way to make them happen. Our hard and soft sides compliment each other. He’ll assume everyone is a bad guy and I convince him that there are still a few good people left out there. But he also see through people when I do not. When we work towards the same goal or are brainstorming ideas, our creativity bents can be very complementary.
The tough parts for me…
We can hear the same words and interpret them differently. This is the base cause of many of our miscommunications. We say things to each other. We feel good that we have talked. And then the same issue comes up time and time again because we didn’t understand each other in the first place.
I’ve learned that time means something different to ENTPs. They want to do all their great ideas yesterday and have little patience for those of us who need time to process. For them time to process can mean hours or days and for me it’s usually months, if not years. That can be a big discrepancy! They also cannot implement a schedule long term or look at time realistically to save their lives. They definitely do well with spontaneity, whereas that is more of a struggle that brings up a stressful response in me.
Do they open their mail or email? I think not! Who has time for such mundane tasks? Unless of course they know it’s a cheque 🙂
Did I mention they rarely complete a task? But oh man are they ever good at starting them! This was a major source of contention between my husband and I. Thankfully it’s less of a thing between my boyfriend and I because I am not depending on him to finish my house or build me a chicken coop. But I see the patience his wife must endlessly exhibit in this realm.
Doing polyamory with an ENTP is endlessly challenging for me. I think ENTPs naturally gravitate to poly ideals, and non monogamy makes a lot of sense to them in general. They like to mix things up and follow the road less travelled or frankly wherever life leads. They want to experience all that life has to offer. They leap into a situation when I’d rather stare at the idea for a while and make sure this is the best route for us all. They would rather live and believe they can deal with the consequences as they come up. They make for fun adventure partners but in my opinion it is also really easy to get into trouble with this type.
And I have many times.
My husband and I weren’t even dating yet, when I ended up having to do a 2 hour rough snowy hike, out of spot we got the truck stuck in, while I was wearing dress shoes! This really should have been an indicator of what my life was going to be like and I should have run the other way. But instead, I went back for more.
If life looks too predictable, they get antsy for change. I love known quantities and I like a plan. I want to look at my future and have an idea of what my life looks like in 5 years. Whereas, this actually bothers ENTP’s. I have a hard time not seeing this restlessness as selfishness or irresponsibility.
ENTPs don’t tend to plan for future eventualities. They are often overly optimistic and don’t see potential problems that may arise from the path they chose. They may or may not have brought water for that half hour walk that turned into a 3 hour hike because the trail looked interesting. They tend to want to jump into doing all the things and saying yes to all the people even though they haven’t been to their kids school concerts in over a year. They want to add more relationships even though they don’t have time for the ones they already have.
I find much about ENTPs exhausting and exceedingly frustrating!
So why do I seem to gravitate to these “crazy” people?
ENTP’s tend to be good at a lot of things and have a vast knowledge base. They can get things done or show me how to do something and I find this to be an attractive and endlessly useful quality.
They like to learn and push and do things in innovative ways. They see the world uniquely.
They can be really fun. They are usually up for looking at what is around the corner just because. And they tend to be a bit mischievous which fits well with me.
They push me to get outside of my comfort zone.
I respect how they view life with endless possibilities.
They are not governed by fear like I often am, and this is something I admire and strive for.
I enjoy their unique perspectives on everything. Doing anything inside a box is not a concept they are familiar with.
They challenge my thinking.
Like everyone, I see the world uniquely, but more in an idealistic way. And I think this might be why I gravitate to ENTPs. I often see them in their best light even when others don’t. I see their potential, and given that I want to make the world a better place, I figure I might get further with these innovative, creative, tenacious types in my life.
So despite my frustration and having many opposing views often come to a head, I still keep choosing to believe we can find our way through to a better tomorrow if we do it together.
I must state right off the bat that this is my theory. I am not a scientist, nor have I done scientific research on the topic. These thoughts are based on my own life and anecdotal evidence I have witnessed around me. However, I have done some reading and research on the topic over the years that gives credence to my thoughts. And as my life, and the lives of those around me, has unfolded, relationships have begun and ended over and over, I have become more and more convinced that this piece of the puzzle is something too many people in the last century have been ignoring.
To catch everyone up on what a pheromone actually is, here is the definition from Wikipedia….
A pheromone is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting like hormones outside the body of the secreting individual, to affect the behavior of the receiving individuals. Wikipedia
It is lovely that with industry and technology has come better hygiene and fun things like scented everything. I really love my daily baths after all! I am not against smelling good or adding special scent for a special occasion. But is all this hyper cleanliness and scents we cover ourselves in, actually the problem in finding people we fit with on a chemical level? Could this be why, over time, the “chemistry” dies, and we no longer jive with the people who made us swoon when we first met?
I remember when I was young, how colognes and perfumes were huge in my circle of friends. Drakkar Noir was a favorite of mine and I swear it made me fall for guys over and over and I’m almost positive it was based predominantly on scent! That fake scent and NOT their own scent. Sure, they were decent-looking and not total schmucks for the most part, but honestly, that scent made my brain stop working properly.
My husband was one of those guys. I actually knew from day one that I liked him and a lot of things about him, but I wasn’t terribly attracted to him. But when he had that scent on I couldn’t get enough! It was confusing for me and I assumed my problem was indecision and not that we didn’t actually fit. So I convinced myself that we had enough chemistry to make marriage work, because a lot of the other building block fit, and we took the “till death do us part” plunge.
Well, we are still married, but we haven’t been living together for 2 years and guess what? Our sex life never really worked. I struggled to make sense of my feelings for him for years. He was an attractive enough man, I appreciated his manliness, we got along great as friends, but chemically speaking something was always missing. I never craved him. His natural scent didn’t disgust me but it also didn’t attract me. Even fluid-wise, we did not jive. I was prone to getting rashes from his saliva when it interacted with my nether regions, which was massively unpleasant and not at all encouraging to our already delicate and sensitive sexual balance.
As I spoke about in my last piece of writing, I assumed something was wrong with me sexually…
But over time, and with other experiences that came with our polyamorous lifestyle, I realized there were key pieces missing from mine and my husband’s dynamic. There was nothing wrong with me sexually, we were likely just low on vulnerability and pheromones.
And here is another poly win for me and something I likely would never have figured out without nonmonogamy.
This piece of the puzzle clicked quickly with my current boyfriend. He is not a deodorant or cologne guy. He showers daily if he can because he works hard physically and is often dirty after a day on the ranch. But he doesn’t use much in the way of scented products. And I LOVE how he smells! His sweat is actually a turn-on for me and I had no idea such a thing was possible! He does use after shave now and then and I love that scent too. It’s almost like a cherry on top of the ice cream I already love. But the bottom line is that I love his natural scent and his taste in every way, even when we’ve been stuck in a truck for a couple days. And believe me, that is a true test. All fluid exchanges between us feel amazing and taste amazing and I swear there is actually a stress relief component in our fluid bonding. My stressed-out spinning brain feels like it resets when those primal and natural things are shared between us.
The shock of how I have reacted to this man in his natural state has made me contemplate this theory extensively over the past few years. And watching that beautifully groomed and expensively scented couple’s marriage dissolve into dissatisfaction in a matter of a few years, has also made me wonder.
Could it be that simple?
Are many of us connecting with the wrong people because our pheromones don’t fit? Are we masking who we really are with fake scents and is that one of the reasons long term relationships end and divorce is so high? To me, it is logical to conclude that if we don’t fit chemically, it gets harder and harder to have the patience or the desire to navigate the rest of life’s challenges together. I have heard from many tired couples (again anecdotally) that they just don’t feel like trying anymore. They don’t care about connecting physically because it feels like a chore instead of an outlet that serves them both like a brain reset or recharge. When that goes on for a long period of time, I imagine it gets hard to find reasons to stay together, especially if you are doing monogamy.
Ok maybe it’s not quite that simple/
I also know examples of people who connect physically in an all-encompassing way, but it still didn’t work long term. But to the best of my understanding, those people were missing the emotional component of vulnerability. So yes, you likely need more than matching pheromones to make life work in all it’s complicated facets. Life is hard. Being in relationships is hard. Being in multiple relationships can be even harder. We are imperfect humans with imperfect pasts. Things get thrown at us in ways we often didn’t expect. That is life. And all of that stuff feeds into who we are, how we interact, and how we connect with other people.
But at the very least, I do believe that complimentary pheromones are an important foundational building block to a successful long term relationship, and I tell anyone who will listen to me (mostly my children) to start there when you are striving for a long term connection with people.
Do you fit on a base chemical level? Does their sweat make you sick and disgusted, or comfortable and even turned on? Sure, enjoy that one night stand or short term fling with Mr Drakkar if that’s your thing. But in my humble opinion, don’t make any major life-changing and long-term decisions with someone, if you have never been around them in a natural state.
Maybe forget your deodorant, and go camping or spend a few days in a truck with someone, before you ask them to commit for life.
I read an article by someone here on Medium a few weeks ago that talked about this concept of thriving versus surviving in poly and it really stuck with me. (I am so sorry I have no idea where I read it or I would give credit.)
When I look over the past seven or so years of first dabbling and then engaging in this lifestyle, I must sadly admit that I see a lot of darkness. There have been moments and longer periods of time where I’ve been thriving for sure or I would not still be here, but overall, I’d have to say surviving is where I’d have to land on my overall assessment.
The roller coaster journey with my husband was and still is difficult to look at. Part of why I started down this writing road is that I had a lot to process and I knew I needed to write to do that. It has helped to delve into some of these stories but it has also reminded me that it has been a really tough road in many ways. There has been a lot of hurt, sadness, loneliness, and brokenness. And this stuff has been felt on both sides.
Finding my boyfriend in the midst of this journey, and establishing a new and meaningful connection with him, gave me those moments of thriving in the middle of all the darkness as my marriage crumbled. My last two articles discussing vulnerability and pheromones went into some of the why’s of our successes. I have gotten so much out of this relationship. I have learned a lot about myself, what I am capable of, and what kind of potential there is for my life.
But if I’m honest, this relationship has also been a source of stress for me. A lot of stress.
One of his relationships broke up right around the same time my husband and I went our separate ways. This was hard to be a part of and hard to watch, mostly because of the up and down nature of that relationship. We lived even farther apart than we do now, monthly visits were about as good as it got, and I felt constantly behind the times on what was going on with them. It took them years to break up for good and I tried to be supportive of the journey but I found it incredibly jarring to never know where they were at. One minute it was done forever and the next he had spent the weekend with her.
He put a lot of effort into making things work with her and it took its toll on everyone in his life. Their dynamic was his ideal because it was a triad with his wife and with her. When it worked he was living the dream. They all were. But it was rarely functioning properly for any length of time and most of his energy went into that situation for the first three years we were together.
Once they were broken up I found it hard to be around the endless discussions revolving around her and all he was missing. There has to be some of this when relationships end, and I was happy to be an ear for him but when you only see someone every few weeks and most of the discussion revolves around this other person, you start to get jaded. I have done the same with him regarding my husband for sure. You need to process with those around you when you are going through something. But my husband and I had a different dynamic and we got better when we separated. We have tried and succeeded at being amicable through most of the last few years. So the way I talk about him has a different feel about it.
Once he got past the rawness, he started looking for ways to fill that void in his life. And I was late to the game as far as information in how he put himself out there. He started finding new people to talk to, likely because he wanted to give the rest of us a break and also gain some different perspective. And I thought at first that’s all it was. He needed friends who got who he was and where he was at. But for some time now, he’s been talking about bringing someone else into his life. And this topic actually causes a physical stress response from me.
I have been working hard on processing the why’s of how I’m feeling. So far I have landed on a few things:
I have a suspicion I am simply not being wired for poly. I have little desire to add anyone else into my life and I struggle with the fact that he already has two other partners. This is not something that has improved with time and effort at all. In fact I would say that as we have gotten closer and as our sex life has evolved and thrived, I have become increasingly more uncomfortable with the idea of him having sex outside of me. Of course I know he is having regular sex with two other people and I have never made this a him problem. But it is hard on me when I let myself think about it at all.
He is not taking care of me in the way I need or have asked for. He responds to maybe half of what I send him in text or email. When he is with his other girlfriend, he barely talks to me for those days they are together despite the fact that I have asked him for more communication. I need to feel like what we share does not disappear for a few days every time he is with her. I have always been paranoid of being “out of sight, out of mind” and when I don’t hear from him this feeds into my fears. I know this is not always fair to him and I have reasons from my past that I land here that are not his fault. But it is part of my wiring and I have made him aware of this weakness in hopes that he does enough to reassure me.
The other part of this is that he always takes time to talk to her on the phone and in text when he is with me but, this behaviour is not shown to me. He defends this behaviour saying that because I see him more regularly, he feels like he needs to focus on her more when he is actually with her. I would argue that seeing someone more and having less of their attention is not actually better. And the thing is, sometimes he does take care of me well when he’s with her and I know it makes all the difference. But in 5 years, we have yet to achieve consistency on this one.
Time is finite. We have had a specific date idea for 8 months now that we have not had time to implement. I have had the ingredients for a beer recipe we have wanted to brew together for 3 months now, and there has not been time to take a day and do this. For the most part, we hang out when he works and for half the year that is mostly in his truck. We took two nights for ourselves recently and the first night was spent talking down his unhappy wife and kids about the fact that he left to hang out with me. And the second night we had drama with my husband showing up in the middle of our date unexpectedly, which I have not yet recovered from. And that was our first no work time together in 6 months! I can tell you, it’s really hard to feel like you are thriving when you know the time you are spending with your beloved is taking a toll on other people you care about.
After endlessly mulling this all over, what I have told him is that I cannot handle him adding another person at this point. If he needs to go down this road, I need to get off the bus. And he is exceedingly frustrated with me which I understand to a large extent. But I have had tremendous upheaval and stress in my life over the last bunch of years and I honestly don’t know how much more I can handle.
Despite my issues, this topic comes up at regularly and it is causing me a ton of anxiety. I have tried to read stuff that helps me understand his point of view. I want to get in his head and see the bigger picture because right now, I feel like we are at an impasse. I get that when he got on this poly road, he was done with monogamy. I also understand that he needs autonomy over his own decisions. But where does that stuff begin and end when you have already committed to people? If I’m not thriving, should he take the time to work through this stuff with me or should I open my hand, trust what we have, and give him my blessing to live his life as he wants?
Yes, I am surviving this polyamorous world, but I sure as hell am not thriving most days. How about you?
I have always had the knowledge somewhere deep inside me that in order to have an encompassing and fulfilling relationship, emotional and physical vulnerability must be tantamount.
Oxford dictionary defines vulnerability as, “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
I have somehow managed vulnerability well with my children and am continuously reaping the benefits, but somewhere along the way, I realized I had lost this dynamic with my husband.
We had a strong foundation of friendship before we got together, and communication was a strength of ours, until issues in the bedroom got in the way. It was no one’s fault, but we turned out not to be terribly compatible sexually speaking. I actually thought for years that something was wrong with me. Sex was painful and it felt more like a chore than an outlet or expression of our relationship. I assumed I was just wired with a low sex drive.
My husbands sex drive was high so this combination was detrimental. We were very young when this all unfolded. But we were already married when we realized our issues. So we tried to have patience and work through things. But I was filled with guilt and endless frustration, and I imagine my husband landed somewhere between resentment towards me and guilt that he felt resentment.
The walls between us grew over the years, and sex became such a source of contention that it affected the rest of our lives and how we were able to navigate problems even outside of sex. And as tensions grew, vulnerability decreased. There were parts of ourselves we couldn’t show to each other without incredible effort because that space no longer felt safe to either of us.
For some time, in the later years of our marriage, especially once we opened up, we renewed our effort and things actually improved. The pain I had been experiencing during sex decreased after having kids, which helped. And we used that as a building block to improving the rest.
But, the point is, it was effort.
Our sex life didn’t flow well despite the fact that it was actually satisfying as far as markers like orgasms. We weren’t even all that boring. But we were lacking chemistry (from my side anyway), and we also didn’t really play. I simply wasn’t comfortable playing with him. I didn’t want to mix things up and see what might happen. I was more comfortable with known entities. For me the experience always came with pleasure, but it also felt like a duty, and I was always somewhat relieved when it was done and felt I could check sex off the list so to speak.
I honestly didn’t realize how sad my mentality was until I experienced the complete opposite with my current boyfriend. After all, sex was frequent and we both left feeling satisfied. I actually thought I was in a pretty good sexual relationship the last few years my husband and I engaged physically.
I have since learned I was wrong and I consider this a poly win!
My boyfriend and I took a while to be able to fully engage the way we wanted to sexually because of our polyamorous status and the protocols that were in place in our group because of that. See below for more reading on that…
Despite the fact that the sex life we experience today took a long time to evolve, the one thing we did well from our very first touch was vulnerability.
The first time we got naked was likely one of the most intimate experiences of my life to date. We didn’t have sex in any form and we didn’t even kiss. But we touched, we explored, we smelled each other everywhere and we had orgasms in front of each other. It was entirely unique to anything I had ever done before.
We were filled with sexual tension that had been building over months. Our chemistry was electric to say the least. We were nervous about this step but we got to this place with much time and consideration for where we were at in our lives with each other, and with our other partners. Much prep was involved and one could imagine that this much planning might take the fun out of it. But this was not the case!
We had spent almost two years engaged in a friendship that gave us a foundation of trust. So once we got to this space with each other, despite the fact that we were nervous about the change, we also felt entirely safe with each other. There was much we knew we couldn’t do with each other yet but this forced us to go slowly and to get creative. Ironically, I actually believe that all the rules around us, pushed the playful dynamic we share to this day.
That first night we did things to each other and in front of each other that were highly vulnerable and we learned that it was totally ok despite the fact that we’d both had issues in being emotionally and/or physically vulnerable with other partners. We wanted this with each other, it was safe to do so, and it worked wonderfully for us. The newness, the awkwardness, the stumbles, as well as the successes, were all met with acceptance and playfulness.
We were utterly safe, our chemistry was out of this world, and our love blossomed!
Our dynamic was incredibly freeing and frankly rather addicting for us both. My boyfriend has successful fulfilling relationships outside of us, but our dynamic is still unique (as is every dynamic of course). The combination of our vulnerability with our chemistry keeps us insatiable for each other. Apparently my sex drive is not the issue! Despite the fact that we are always in need of each other physically, it is never duty based because we both feel this in the same way. And, despite the need and mutual desire, it is not fraught with expectation either.
When we are together, we always desire to engage and play for as long as we possibly can. Sometimes there are many orgasms in the span of 12 hours and sometimes there is only 1 and it doesn’t matter. It is not goal oriented in any way and it is all amazing. Our vulnerability has made us a safe space for each other to such an extent that simply being wrapped up in each other as close as possible, gives us both tremendous peace and fulfillment.
We push and pull and very much play with our dynamic and have even gotten a bit kinky in the last few years. The way we engage is far from vanilla most of the time. And yet if we are, that doesn’t matter either. It isn’t about any of that stuff. It is about giving fully to each other in any given moment. We have often said that our kink is actually each other 🙂 Everything is on the table and ok to try between us. That does not mean it always works but it is ok to ask and it is ok to hear a yes or no in any given moment.
That is the freedom of complete and utter vulnerability.
I have learned much over the last bunch of years and I am grateful for this polyamorous journey, that yes, has been fraught with massive ups and downs, because I now know what is possible. I experience love and lust and pleasure and play in the context of complete abandonment and total vulnerability now. I have found pieces of these things with other partners but I have never had the whole package at once.
One look, one touch, and the butterflies start fluttering
Our love is ripe but the way I experience this man when he is near me, is as if we are a new entity every time we are together It has been like this since the very first day we knew we were meant to be
I see him walk towards me with his telltale swagger And I swoon My heart beats faster and a smile washes over my face no matter what I may have been thinking about or feeling before I saw his handsome face
When he reaches me and opens his arms I allow myself to be wrapped up completely He feels like home
He looks down and his mouth opens to mine I reach up to him and our hot breath melts together Our tongues dance and my breath instantly quickens and I long for him to take me
I feel safety and comfort and yet I feel the primal push and pull of our desire with the mere brush of his hand on my skin It makes me crazy with insatiable delectable need
We are not young or inexperienced And yet, every time with him, feels like the first time But also, like we’ve known each other for a lifetime
His body knows every inch of mine and I know every inch of his We fit together like we were carved from the same stone But his touch feels new all the same I ache to explore and to be explored To know and be known
Shivers are rampant, noises are unfiltered, pleasure is unending We touch, we play, we make love for hours with no goal but giving ourselves to each other Fully Deeply Endlessly…
We love with fierce abandon
The juxtaposition of our comfort with our chemistry is beyond the ordinary Beyond comprehension or logic And beyond anything I’ve ever felt before We are blissfully vulnerable and at ease
And yet, my heart skips a beat when he walks into a room or I simply see his name flash on my phone
How is it possible that after all this time together, we can be all these things to each other? Old and new Comfort and ceaseless ache Love and lust Home and destination
It is bliss It is a gift The butterflies are unending
There were many things that prompted our foray into opening up our marriage. But one of the main reasons for both my husband and I, was that life is more meaningful if you approach it in an open handed, rather than close fisted manner.
We dated and got married young and wanted the chance to explore more of life through meaningful connections, sexually or otherwise. We were successful as a couple in many ways, but have always been very different. My husband is an adventurer in every sense of the word and I seek deep connection and stability. Because of these fundamental things our hobbies have rarely aligned.
We also had issues in the sex department from day one, and this lead to a lack of vulnerability and letting go with each other fully in the bedroom. Walls and resentments built over time and were hard to get past. Things improved the last few years we were sexually active with each other, but knowing what is possible now, made me realize it was still lacking.
We knew we were not and could not be everything to each other all of the time. And frankly, this was logical and ok with us. We also understood love is endless if we allow it to be. We wanted to let go of our fears of the unknown and open our hands to new possibilities for the sake of each other and ourselves.
This idea comes from the old Chinese proverb many of us have heard:
Native tribes used to catch monkeys by hollowing out a coconut and filling it with rice or other delicacies, then leaving it tethered to a tree for a monkey to find. A monkey would reach in and grab the desired delicacy and be trapped because the hole had been deliberately made just big enough for a flexible hand to enter but not for a closed fist to leave. In short order, the monkey went from getting his dinner to being someone else’s dinner.
Clearly it was not the coconut that was the trapping the monkey. Rather the true trap was in the monkey’s own mind, the monkey’s greed, the monkey’s attachment to his physical possessions, the monkey’s unwillingness to “Let Go.”
THE MONKEY’S FIST: AN ANCIENT PARABLE FOR MODERN TIMES, November 30, 2007 — by Nathan S. Collier.
We fundamentally agreed with this line of thinking. It was fear, societal norms, cultural boxes, our religious backgrounds, the perspectives of friends and family, etc, that were keeping us from living a life of freedom.
But how did this work out for us?
In a nutshell, it’s easier said than done.
Fighting cultural norms is harder than we thought.
My husband and I see ourselves as fairly evolved humans, able to think beyond our upbringing. But what I have learned is that this stuff goes deeper into our psyche than we realize. From every direction, we are taught that there is a type of relationship that we should all strive for — monogamy.
As kids, we watch fairy tale princesses falling in love with their perfect prince. And how does each story end? And they lived happily ever after…. But did they? Did they really live in blissful monogamy forever? Well probably because it’s a fairytale 🙂
The books we read, tv shows and movies we watch, churches and schools we attend, the way our parents raise us and model behaviour, the government, etc… is set up around monogamy! Have you ever tried to income split on your tax form with three people?
Despite the fact that monogamy does not work for most people and divorce is rampant, we are still pushed into that paradigm as being “the way”. And honestly, this is hard to go against when it isn’t accepted as mainstream. Fighting this kind of ingrained thinking takes a toll on your mental health, in my experience. It’s exhausting when people continuously question, disagree, and judge. And the more tired you get, the more you question yourself too. Thoughts like these are rampant: “Maybe they are right and I’m insane. After all, I am the one who is seriously stressed out because of the decisions I’ve made for my life.”
Taking care of each other in the context of non monogamy can be challenging.
You canhave all the greatest intentions in the world, but living them out is a whole other story. It takes hard work to keep up with honest communication regarding changes, desires, fears, and all the other endless variables that can come up in the context of adding more people to your world in fundamental ways.
Watching your partner fall in love with someone else can be daunting. I remember the day my husband delivered flowers to a love interest. I was so upset! When was the last time he brought me flowers? 20 years ago?
Practices common in dating relationships but often not in a marriage of 20 plus years, are hard to accept some days. But you can, and need to step up. Those behaviours are not hard to fix but they need to be thought about in the first place. Had my husband taken the time to notice my exhaustion from dealing with kids, animals and chores all day, and brought me flowers as a thanks for doing what you do to keep our world keep turning, I would likely not have cared that she also got flowers. But the way he took time out of his life to drive some distance to deliver flowers, show up late at home with nothing in hand for me, was rather thoughtless.
What ultimately broke us up was a bigger manifestation of this idea. He could not give me time I needed to process change and he wasn’t able to openly and honestly talk things through in such a way where we could calmly make decisions together. He ended up not bothering with the communicating and cheating on me instead. I knew then that he could no longer take care of me in the way I needed as we navigated non monogamy.
I made some missteps as I ventured into my new relationship too, but I worked very hard to remedy my mistakes and take care of my husband in the best way I knew how. After all my efforts in that capacity, it was like a slap in the face that he could not do the same for me.
Love might be endless but time is not.
There are wishes and ideals, and then there is real life. In the real world we have to work under very real time constraints. I have no doubt that people can love more than one person in a very encompassing way. But, I know from experience, that it is very hard to give everyone what they want or need from that relationship, as people are added.
My boyfriend currently has three partners. And when he talks about wanting more some day I want to wring his neck! Yes, I have fears and insecurities that go with this idea that are my problem to sort through. But the time factor is one that is on him to manage, affects us all, and just happens to be something he is not terribly good at. He is not a planner by nature and he likes to take on everything under the sun. He is a creative, outgoing, innovative soul. And I love him for all those things. But because of his personality, he is also very hard to pin down at any given time. This is why most of our time together is spent in his truck while he hauls hay. It is not ideal but it is the easiest, and often, the only way to get one on one time with him.
Because he isn’t home a ton, his wife and kids get very antsy if he then takes 2 days to come and hang out with me. And I get it. I would feel the same. The reality is that they have a very full life of of family and ranching responsibilities and making the wheels go ‘round in every area, and making time for out of town dates with other people, is plain hard. So we all compromise and try to make the best of it.
But never in my life have I been so aware of time vs. desire, as I have been in this relationship.
And finally, there is responsibility to your current commitments.
This goes hand in hand with the time stuff. But it goes a bit deeper than just the clock. If you are married and have several children, when is it ok to choose to spend time with a different person when you have already committed to your family and they want and need you there? In polyamory, unless you manage to live together, someone is often hearing a “no”. And it is hard, but it’s also life.
If you have taken on twenty dogs to walk and feed every day, or you need to build a house for your family because they are tired of the tiny trailer, or your power system isn’t working so the power keeps going out for your wife and kids when it’s -20 Celcius out, while you are away on a ski weekend with your new girlfriend, is that fair? And yes these are real life examples 🙂
Your family freezing to death while you are off having fun is just not ok. But most choices are less dire and harder to make. When you have committed to people, they deserve your time and attention, no matter when they showed up in your life. How you make those choices of where to be and who to spend time with, can be very tricky for everyone involved.
In conclusion, I still maintain that the open handed mentality is better and more fulfilling than being closed fisted. I believe we all need to find our own way to live life fully and that means something different for everyone. But the cautionary tale here is that reality dictates you can’t do whatever you want with your open hand. Forging a new path over an old highway set in stone is not easy. It can be tiring mentally and it needs to be done responsibly and respectfully so that you continue to take care of all your people in a way that gives everyone the chance to live their best life.
I’ve mentioned the fact that my husband and I no longer live together and some of our history in many previous posts. But I have never delved into the fact that he left. I think it’s because every time I consider writing about it, I start feeling too much and I quit.
But it might be time.
This May, we will have been married for 26 years. We were barely in our twenties when we tied the knot, and it has been a roller coaster of a marriage. We lived in tiny strange places, we put each other through university, we have two kids, we lived off grid, we survived a total loss from a forest fire, we’ve renovated and built houses, we started, stopped, and continued four businesses, we survived affairs, we travelled all over the world, we’ve been so poor we couldn’t buy food, and we’ve had enough money to buy a nice car with cash, etc, etc….
I can’t describe our journey in one paragraph but suffice it to say, we lived a very full life together. We covered the gambet of joy, sorrow, love, betrayal, loss, and gain. We did some of it well and some of it poorly. But all in all, we did it together.
Then we chose the path of non monogamy and things started to change between us more fundamentally.
We struggled, persevered, and had ups and downs. We got to know each other in ways we never had. Our sex life actually improved. Our communication skills kept getting better. But in the end, despite all the ways we got better, we realized we were too different, and more importantly, we were after different things.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, non monogamy has a way of bringing out the problems you never knew you had!
I recently wrote about the night that started the process of no return…
We honestly thought we’d recover from this event, as we always had from every other event before. But somewhere along the way, my walls went up. Initially I just shut down. And then as I woke back up, I knew I could never be the same person with my husband again.
Trust was broken.
I could no longer be vulnerable with him in the same way. His behavior made me feel like he didn’t know me like I thought he should and he certainly couldn’t take care of me in the context of non monogamy like I needed. He hurt me and he pulled the rug out from under our lives, when he could have made different choices.
In the past, my pattern had always been to go to him, and in my typical peaceful manner, I would work on meeting him where he was at when something went wrong, no matter who did the wrong thing. And eventually we would be ok again.
This time, I chose NOT to take on the blame for everything that had happened, and be the one to patch us back up. And low and behold, we never really got patched up.
For a long time we continued to sleep in the same bed despite the fact that we took sex out of the equation. Once things simmered down, we got back to some snuggling type behaviours which had always been our comfortable default. But it was intermittent and then dissipated as well. I missed that part of us but I felt like I was living a lie by giving in to it somehow. There was a barrier that could not be breached anymore. Oddly enough, I know I was the one who put it there and yet, I was not willing to take it back down. I had been deeply hurt and needed to protect myself.
We stopped sleeping in the same bed because my husband got the flu. And once we realized separate beds was a relief to us both, we stayed that way. The distance helped take some of pressure off between us.
We made this arrangement work for over a year. There were times where it felt ok. It was enough distance to be able to navigate the rest of our lives together. We were amicable and wanted to make our situation work. But then my husband started butting heads with our teenage boys.
Things got ugly and soon my house felt more like enemy territory than home. It wasn’t a respite from outside life for any of us. My kids didn’t want to be there. I was worried every time I came home or my husband came home, wondering what kind of mood I would encounter. The stress was getting overwhelming for us all.
And then the pandemic hit.
Once we realized this was a real thing, we knew choices needed to be made. We couldn’t keep living as we were and seeing our other partners and manage to keep everyone safe. My husband’s girlfriend lived a few hours away and he knew he would have to make a choice of where he wanted to wait out that first wave, which we all thought would be about a month at the time. Hilarious right 🙂 We both agreed he was more at peace in his life when he was with her than when he was at our home.
So he left.
Neither of us wanted to make the choice to leave or push the other out. I wasn’t willing to leave my kids and my kids wanted little to do with my husband. So I always knew he had to be the one to go if we parted ways. But I didn’t want to be the one to tell him that. We acted like him leaving was temporary at the time and completely pandemic related. But in actual fact, the pandemic was the catalyst we needed to do what we all knew had to be done.
My husband has been gone almost exactly two years now. We have decided to stay married thus far because we had no reason not to be. We are with polyamorous partners so it doesn’t matter on that level. No one is waiting to marry us 🙂 We also run businesses together so our finances and everything we own are still completely intertwined.
We have had serious ups and downs getting used to our new reality.
I knew I didn’t want him here anymore and yet at the same time, I’m mad he left and left me with so many messes to clean up, especially as far as life on this property. I wanted him gone, but I miss having a partner. I wanted him to give our boys space, but I’m upset he didn’t try to spend more time with them when it was easier to do so. I felt better with him out of my bed, but I feel so alone at night.
It’s been an odd mix of contradictions I did not expect!
But we’ve navigated a lot and have gotten used to our current reality in many respects. Things were so smooth over the last year, we even spent our 25th anniversary together with our respective partners and had a grand old time celebrating our weird and wonderful relationships.
But suddenly, in the last month or so, emotions reared again and we are struggling to figure out what to do long term. I’m not sure if keeping our business and financial life together is sustainable or if we might need to start separating. I’m frustrated we still have such sensitivities and triggers with each other and I’m struggling for answers right now.
But despite the roller coaster the last few years have been, there have been some wins I’m trying to stay focused on:
My kids and I have re-established our home as a safe haven for us and for people associated with us. This is now a gathering place and I love that!
My boys and I love being here and are managing to do life together in our crazy off grid world, successfully most days.
My kids have repaired much of the broken relationship with their father. They all spend time together and enjoy each other’s company now.
My husband and I have been rediscovering our friendship with each other and going back to roots that were strong.
I am learning to be independent and figuring out that I am stronger than I realized and can handle more than I thought.
Our split has given me new perspective on relationships and what constitutes successes or failures
Most people assume our choice of going towards non monogamy is what split us up and even though we were in the midst of dealing with these choices when all hell broke loose, I don’t blame non monogamy. What this path did was show us our existing shortcomings.
These differences have always been present between us. But it was easier to push them under the rug in monogamy. I actually believe that non monogamy has been the secret to our mostly amicable split. We allowed each other space to pursue other people, to be ourselves without hurting each other, and we have thus far successfully stayed married despite our physical separation. Doing life outside the box has given us the perspective that we don’t have to do things as they have always been done. We aren’t necessarily an example of another failed marriage. Our journey together has simply changed and evolved into something else.
It has been a difficult bunch of years but where I am now is not all bad. And I have hope that the current storm I am in the midst of, will pass and we’ll get back to smoother sailing, doing marriage unconventionally, once again.
I signed up for this non-monogamous poly journey when life looked very different for me than it does now. I was in a stable committed marriage. We were going through a very tough period but I was still working under the assumption that we were forever.
But in the context of my husband and me, something was always missing. I found myself looking outwards for most of our 20 years together. So despite the fact that I had hesitation, and we executed many things poorly, the concept of non-monogamy made sense to me at the time.
We were NOT everything to each other, nor could we be, nor did we want to be. My husband and I had always been fairly free and open as far as friendships with the same or opposite sex, time apart, and giving each other space to be us. We were not the jealous types and we’d already navigated cheating on each other, so we thought this could be a logical step for us.
I’ve talked a lot in past posts about how poorly we did things. But we also did some things right and it hasn’t all been an awful journey by any means. I did find my current boyfriend after all 🙂
But here is the problem…
I love my man in such an encompassing way, I have no desire for anyone else. Never in my life have I felt this way about anyone. I have always been in love, or at least in crush, with multiple people at any given time. And now, when I legitimately could be pursuing other people, I don’t feel like it. This man seems to be filling up all my heart space and it’s kind of amazing.
But it also really sucks. And the reason this really sucks is that my boyfriend is truly polyamorous and he is only partially available to me. He has a wife and a bunch of kids and another girlfriend besides me. And he legitimately loves and wants to be engaged with all these other people. And maybe more in the future!
And then there’s me…
My husband moved out almost two years ago. My kids are basically grown up. We still live together because we run an off-grid property that takes more work than any of us can do alone and we all love the place to boot. So I don’t live alone, but I no longer have a partner to do life with. And I miss that terribly. I’m good at being a wife and partner and I’ve done it for so long that I feel a bit lost not having that now.
We are in totally different circumstances than when we first got together over 5 years ago. I knew I loved him deeply and that he fit me in ways no one ever had from day one, but I didn’t expect to find myself living partnerless and desperately wishing he could fill that hole in my life.
My boyfriend also lives in a different city, 1.5 hours drive away if the weather is good. So it’s not like we see each other all that often. Our normal is 2 nights every 2 weeks or so. I feel like I am lacking and missing him almost all the time. Our mutual desire at this point would be 2 nights every week, but life rarely allows for that.
We speak about rearranging our lives quite regularly and living communally. But there is no easy way to do this anytime soon. I would be the one to uproot and move to him and for many reasons, this makes no sense at this point in our lives. He knows I would do monogamy with him in a heartbeat, but of course, he doesn’t feel the same way, nor would I ever actually ask that of him. I love and respect his family a ton and I know monogamy is not who he is. He agrees that had we met when we were young, he could have seen doing monogamy with me. But that is not how life presented us to each other.
So here we are.
These are the questions I am wrestling with:
Do I truly want monogamy or has life just been so stressful for the last bunch of years that I can’t imagine adding partners to it purely based on my capacity in this time and place?
Do I think he’s “the one” because I could really use help and would like someone to do life with?
Do I think I want monogamy with this man because it is still my default position and I’m looking at it with rose-colored glasses?
Would I even want to live with this man, knowing I don’t need to deal with his imperfections in a daily, do life together, capacity? We both have our flaws and life challenges and maybe we work really well together because we can be sounding boards and support for each other, but not have to deal with the tough stuff in ways that tangibly affect each other.
Do I think he’s “the one” because I watch too many romantic comedies and I want to live in a fairy tale?
Do I think I want just him because I’m scared and haven’t let myself try out anything else in a very long time?
Does our relationship feel so encompassing because I am always in want of this man because of our distance?
Am I just lonely?
I’m in a frustrating place but I found a man I love to pieces and who loves me back with just as much abandon. We share vulnerability and trust and our chemistry is outrageous. But there is nothing we can change about our status as far as monogamy.
So here are my choices:
Do I keep doing what I have been doing and take one day at a time and sink into him when we do get the chance?
Do I drop him because I can’t have him in the way I wish or fantasize about?
Do I put myself out there and start dating and see if I can find a person who is actually available to hang out with me regularly, and go to events with and do all those coupley things I do by myself right now?
Do I do nothing except write about it and hope one day the answers that work for everyone will land on our laps?
Honestly, I’m not sure if I have really found “the one”. In all likelihood, I am reaching for concepts that are familiar and desired in our culture but are unlikely to be real. My brain is tired of overthinking this and wondering what to do, or if I should do anything. Feel free to weigh in if you can see an answer.
One could say I might be in a bit of a pickle but I do know one thing – no it’s not monogamous, but I love and am loved in a way many never get to experience at all.
This is a topic I struggled with when my husband and I decided to open up. I wasn’t sure what the long term consequences would be for our boys. Would it be destabilizing or would it open their eyes to a world of possibilities? I know this is a big one for many people venturing into non monogamy, so I am hoping that sharing my experience might help someone else as they wade through these unknown murky waters.
My kids have always been open minded, non judgemental humans. My husband and I did some things poorly, but raising our two boys was not one of those things. The push and pull of our different styles made them unique, strong, independent, empathetic people.
For the first two years or so, we kept our non monogamous journey a secret from the boys. They were pre/early teens at the time and we figured they didn’t have to be in the know about everything we were up to as long as it didn’t affect them. But after being with my boyfriend for some months, I started feeling like keeping this secret was more of a deception than a protection, and I was getting uncomfortable.
My boys met my partner in the context of him being a friend. They grew to like him quickly and they trusted him, so I was happy to have that baseline before I revealed more. They knew he was polyamorous because they met his live in partners along the way, and we explained what that meant and who they were to each other. None of that posed an issue with them.
But when I had to start making up reasons why I was meeting up with my boyfriend out of town (which was very unlike me), I’d had enough. But, my husband disagreed. He didn’t want to tell anyone and pushed hard against even telling the kids. But at some point I couldn’t live like that anymore, and I told them on my own.
We had a long drive to school in those days, so I decided to broach the topic as we drove one morning. I’m not sure this was ideal, but then, I wasn’t sure what would be. I had an inclination that my boys would respond very differently and this decision of time and place split the difference for what I knew of their insecurities.
My oldest is a sensitive, does not like change, kind of guy. He suffers from OCD and has sleep issues because of his overactive brain. I knew I did not want to tell him in the evening, too close to bedtime. I wanted to give him the day to process and talk if he needed. Granted, school was a bit of a write off for him that day. But he was a good student and I knew that would not be a long term detriment to him.
His reaction was quiet and guarded. I could tell he was slightly upset and worried about what this meant long term, but I also saw that some puzzle pieces were clicking into place for him and this part was good. It’s important to him that his world makes logical sense. Kids aren’t dumb. I believe most of them know when their parents are behaving differently or hiding something and my boys were no exception. All in all I was pleased with how he took it. I knew there would be conversations ahead and work to do but we were off to as good of a start as possible.
My youngest is the total opposite. He is a laid back, happy go lucky kind of guy. His reaction was literally, “ahhh, well that makes a lot of sense!” And there wasn’t much else to it 🙂 Again, he knew this guy was around for a reason, and this piece of news just filled in the gaps for him.
I was pleased. My kids were no longer in the dark about what I was up to (I did not share much about my husband because I felt that was his story to tell- they only knew that we were both engaging in non monogamy). They reacted reasonably well, and one of the positive long term consequences has been that my kids know they can share hard information with me because I modelled that to them first.
When things went awry with my husband, as I discussed in the story below, I got the benefit of support from my boys because I was the one who had opened up to them, been honest about where as I was at, and what I was doing.
I had their trust.Whereas my husband, who had yet to share anything with them, did not.
The night all hell broke loose, my kids were within earshot. Our place is small so although they stayed out of our way, they overheard most of what unfolded. Especially the yelling. Despite the fact that this was unavoidable, I felt a lot of guilt about this for a long time.
When I took off to the outer reaches of our property, I didn’t realize the boys had followed me. They gave me space for a bit and then they both came to me. My boys held me as I sobbed and fell apart. They admitted to hearing most of what had happened and they were livid with their father.
I didn’t want this, I didn’t ask for it, but that is the day those two boys became my protectors.
I never wanted them to experience this kind of drama between their parents. We both love them and have tried to do right by them. But that night they took my side and I get it.
We’ve had some years pass since this occurrence and I am happy to say much healing has happened between everyone. But we all needed distance from my husband to get back some perspective and refocus on the parts that work.
Back to my point — I started by saying I believe my kids are better humans because we chose polyamory. So despite the fact that we did many things poorly, here is why:
They know there are options for how to live life. They do not need to feel stuck in a box. I don’t think either of them will choose polyamory, but they are open to those who do and more importantly, they are open to any iteration of love, as long as it is done ethically.
They are very sex positive and understand consent and ethical behaviour and are not shy about the topic in any way.You should hear some of our dinner time conversations! 🙂
They are generally some of the most non judgemental people I know because they have been on the side of seeing how minorities are treated. We have gone through some very rough family stuff since we came out to everyone. My boys have seen how I’ve been hurt by other peoples’ narrow mindedness, and they will never treat another human that way.
They have redefined what family can mean. They have embraced my partner, his wife and kids, and my husbands girlfriend and her kids, as some kind of large extended family.
They have learned to stand up for what they believe even if it isn’t the popular choice.
They are open and honest about life struggles. Communication is very free flowing in our home. We have established a strong foundation of trust, and my boys and I reap the benefits of this daily. Everything is on the table and we always know we have each others’ backs.
In some ways my boys grew up quickly. This is where I struggle with some guilt because I wish I could have protected them from the ugliness that can be part of relationships. But they have also learned from our mistakes and they know how to step up in all areas of life. They do relationships well, they are good communicators, they are all around responsible people who have embraced our off grid, sometimes complicated and frustrating life, and they have learned unique skills and have executed them in ways few at their ages (currently 21 & 18), would be able or even willing to do.
Being poly has been a rollercoaster ride for me, and in conjunction, it has been for my boys as well. They have seen my heart breaking and the tears on hard days, and they have been witness to my joy and excitement as my relationship with my boyfriend has unfolded.
If you are wondering whether to keep your journey a secret from your kids or not, I suggest you don’t. This holds true for all parts of life, not just poly of course. In my experience, you reap what you sow, and my kids are blossoming gardens at this point, despite the messes and screw ups they have witnessed.
Life is hard and no one does it perfectly and I think if everyone was more honest about this, our world would be full of better, more understanding, open minded humans. The best way to do this is to raise our kids right and that is what I have tried to do.
