I miss you tonight. The hole you’ve left in my life feels, in this instant, too big to ever fill. I’ve had too many reminders of what once was and glimpses of what could have been.
The music, the pictures, and the sappy movies, have succeeded in pulling me under, into this current of sadness, of questioning, of wanting, and of unfulfilled desire.
Our moment together feels like a lifetime ago and I am despondent over the fact that that is the only moment that will ever be. I knew we were meant to be something the moment I laid eyes on you, all those years ago. Then fate brought us together, for what felt like a mere second over the span of a lifetime.
Cruelly, she ripped you away from me with an inexplicable immediacy. Was our minute worth this feeling of eternal drowning?
Time has not healed this wound.
Granted, there are days I don’t spend in anguish, wonder, and wanting, and I feel like, just maybe, there is hope for happiness again in my future. But there are just as many days where something will remind me of you and I am left gasping for air at the heartbreak I feel all over again.
I experience each exquisite memory I shared with you over and over again.
I see how your eyes penetrated mine until it felt like you were part of my soul. Your kiss set my heart on fire. Your touch electrified, as well as warmed, protected, and cherished me. You made me want and ache like no one ever has. I can still feel how you encompassed me with your being.
My hands touch your face and feel the stubble on your cheek, your deceivingly soft lips, and the dimple in your chin. I’ve memorized each feature with multiple senses and I’m drinking you in. Our eyes hold as our lips are about to meet….
And then I wake from my trance-like state and realize it’s not real anymore.
This isn’t happening in my present. What I’m experiencing is but a memory. A memory I wish I didn’t possess for the agonizing pain it’s causing. And yet, it’s a memory I never want to forget. It is infinitely precious.
It’s all I have of you. It is all I will ever have of you.
I may have lost several blood tied relationships because of my choices, but I have also gained many, arguably more authentic, new relationships, I choose to be in daily.
Just yesterday I had a chat with my mother in law through marriage, my mother in law through poly, then I texted with my boyfriends wife, and to round out the day, his daughter sent a sweet goodnight message. I stopped and thought about the unusual nature of my day’s communications, and it made me pause.
I have talked about the many losses I’ve experienced because of this polyamorous journey I’m on. But there have also been some very tangible and unexpected gains. My extended polyamorous family has been a huge benefit I never imagined would be mine or could be so fulfilling.
As referenced here, I have had ups and downs with my inlaws (through marriage), but at this point in time, they are the people I am closest to from my original familial unit, ironically also not blood related. This has been a bit unexpected. I thought maybe it would be my own mom who would have remained my staunch supporter, but this has not be the case. They still take issue with my choices but have put our relationship above their opinions and they do all they can to support me in tangible and emotional ways. I am grateful for that every single day, but the rest of this story is about my poly family.
These people are relatively new to my life, they have all the relevant information about who I am and how I am living my life, and they have accepted me, and chosen to be my family, and I theirs.
My boyfriend’s kids:
My boyfriend has three biological children who were really the first to accept me into the fold. This happened well before he and I were romantically involved. I spent a weekend in their home in an attempt to get to know the family, and they immediately dominated my attention. I was very comfortable with that given they are awesome kids, and I was slightly intimidated by the adults I didn’t know well at the time. So I sunk into their attention and have been happy to be their friend, playmate, or safe aunt like confidente, ever since.
They were quite young when we met and have been in my life for over 6 years now. I have watched these kiddos grow up (now aged 9, 11 and 15) and they mean the world to me! I absolutely love them like they are my family. They invite me to all their special occasions like birthdays and recitals, and even invite themselves to my house for their special occasions as happened recently, they happily spend time with me when I stay at their place, and we communicate regularly when we are apart. They accept me as part of the family and make me feel so loved, I can’t help but give it right back to them.
Yes, they are just kids, but these 3 have gotten me to stick through hard poly times more often than I can tell you. I make decisions with them in mind, knowing my actions with their father can impact them long term as well. No matter what happens with that relationship, these kids will always stay a priority in my life.
My boyfriend also has an older adopted daughter in her mid 20’s. We got to know each other only about three years ago. She lives in a city a few hours away, but we have all gone to meet up with her and done family days together. I don’t know her as well, but the time we have spent together has been fabulous.
I was very nervous to meet her, knowing she might have a very different way of looking at me than the other kids. She understands the situation and sees things as an adult and from a perspective the other kids would not. But we get along very well. We communicate semi-regularly over social media and enjoy each other’s company when we are together. Her acceptance has meant much to me.
My boyfriend’s wife:
This woman has been one of my closest friends over the last few years. She has been a very unexpected gift. It took us a bit of time to get to know each other but when they moved closer a few years ago, we started spending more time together. During the height of the pandemic we were each other’s bubble so that drew us closer as well. Recently I wrote about my relationship with her in my post about metamours.
If she is in town we enjoy going out for a drink, a walk, or doing other activities together. We have even been part of a book club together for several years, as we share a passion for the written word. The discussions and activities around this club have deepened our understanding and appreciation of each other in a significant way.
Her acceptance of me, knowing all her husband is to me, has been life changing. We are wired similarly and that has helped us understand each other. We are often wanting things that are in direct opposition of each other. But we discuss it when the need arises and we are honest about where we land and what is challenging for each of us. We know we care about each other deeply and because of that we are willing to sacrifice for each other.
My poly inlaws:
This is the relationship I least expected from poly. I have always done well with parents, but somehow I thought there would be more distance between me and these people. For one thing, they love their daughter-in-law to pieces. I was worried they would see me as trying to take her place or be at odds or in competition with her somehow. But I suppose they see the harmony between us all and thus, have fully accepted me into the fold.
I often visit them on my own and we keep up regular communication, whether I am around or not. They are very happy when I accompany their son on his trucking trips because they can stay in contact through me. I keep them apprised of road conditions and our whereabouts so that my boyfriend does not have to bother (which he hugely appreciates) and they feel safer when I am around to help keep him awake during the long hours.
They have been there for me through the death of my dad and the failure of my marriage. They don’t pry but they offer support and their own wisdom from a life well lived. If I needed them I know they would move heaven and earth and even drive hours to help me out.
They are the kind of people who have scared others away, as they do not mince words or play nice for the sake of being nice. When I hear those thoughts in regards to them, it is baffling to me. They have been nothing but kind, supportive, and accepting of me. I cannot express how grateful I am for this unusual relationship!
My husband’s girlfriend:
I have given her a post of her own and have explored this relationship a bit more in my metamours article. So I will keep this one short and sweet 🙂
I have not spend as much time with her as I have with the other folks discussed here. But we have been together enough to know we share a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. I wasn’t sure if things would go this way when I was first getting to know her. But I am grateful for how time has mellowed us towards each other.
We truly want the best for each other and we help out to that end, in any way we can. We have a great time when all of us adults, along with all of our kids, hang out together. We are like one big happy family. It gives me joy to see my husband in a happy situation with her and I know she loves him like she has never loved another. With time and distance (from my husband), this has turned into a happy scenario for me to watch play out. I am grateful for the friendship I share with her and the unusual family unit we all make when together.
Life never ceases to surprise me. It is surely true that when one door closes, another one opens. I have had many doors close on me in the last few years, but when I reflect on my life, I know I have many reasons to be filled with gratitude.
A perk of poly relationships is that fact that is it a choice, not bound by blood or law, to be in that relationship every single day. In my experience, this keeps you from taking that situation for granted. My extended poly family has a similar feel to it. We are not bound by laws or by blood, but I would sacrifice much for the sake of these people, and I know they would do the same for me.
The people I see as family today are not the same as they would have been even five years ago. I feel the loss of my blood kin often, but I am grateful for those who have chosen to be by my side today.
Now that I’ve been in the non monogamous world for a while, I am wondering if the difficult days, where I’m longing for the simplicity of monogamy, are tainted with inaccurate memories of the good old days. This is something my boyfriends wife and I have discussed many times. We are both more naturally wired for monogamy, are living life as polyamorous, have reaped benefits from polyamory for sure, BUT, also enjoy the idea of a more simplistic and predictable life.
But then we wonder, are we just looking back at monogamy with rose coloured glasses?
For those of you who have been reading my stuff for a while, you may be aware I have a serious inner debate going on. My polyamorous journey has been fraught with stress, failures, and loss. Loss of my husband, loss of a life partner, and loss of my familial support network has been tantamount.
However, I found a man whom I love with a vengeance. And he is the reason I am still in this polyamorous world. But I am finding many of my days feel somewhat rough as I’m faced with possible change once again. And I am missing monogamy. Or at least, I think I’m missing monogamy.
But, was it really all that great? Some of it was and some of it most definitely wasn’t.
There are things I miss about monogamy:
Knowing who I’ll grow old with… Some days it is hard to admit even to myself, but I am likely over the halfway mark of my life. As wrinkles set in and my body starts fighting against me with gravity and aches and pains, I know the clock is ticking. And I am honestly scared of living out the last half of my life alone. That was never the plan. Both the joys and sorrows that come with the golden years were supposed to be shared with someone. I have a person who loves me, cares for me, and is committed to me, but I don’t see how we fit as far as growing old together when we cannot even find a way to live together.
Having a date to everything… I miss being invited out to all the things I used to, and having to go alone when I do. Since my husband and I split, seldom am I invited somewhere with another couple. My boyfriend is rarely available to hang out with friends and I miss that dynamic. I was recently invited to a wedding and it was assumed I would be coming alone and that stung a bit and makes me less excited to participate.
Being accepted in society… I wish I didn’t care about this but I do. I hate that my family will not accept my poly status and I hate that my boyfriend will never be acknowledged as a legitimate partner in their eyes. Even those who are more accepting still question me regularly and wonder why I am in this relationship. I get tired of explaining that yes, I have a boyfriend, yes, he lives in another city, yes, he has other partners, yes, I knew that going in, and no, I am not insane. I often feel quietly judged or felt sorry for.
Being part of a couple… I miss always having a person to do something with. My kids are grown and I have more freedom than I ever have to go grab a beer at the neighbourhood brewery at the end of the day. But ironically, now that I have the freedom, I don’t have the person to do that stuff with on a whim. I am terrible at going out alone, and although I have willing friends, last minute rarely works and takes more coordinating than if you can do things with a live-in partner.
Having a life partner… I miss having a person to make future plans with. My boyfriend and I try to do this to some extent, but the reality is that his main life plans are with his wife and our plans need to fit around his home base. I miss having someone to plan trips with, work on my property with, or simply do errands with, and hold hands as we do. I miss having a partner to do life with where we can both work to our strengths. I get tired of carrying everything on my shoulders (like when the generator isn’t working and the well pump is on the fritz) especially when I have few skills in those areas.
Having someone to commiserate with when the kids are being difficult, or are out late and I’m worried… I am at that phase where my kids have their own lives and come and go as they please. I don’t tend to over worry, but there are some nights, especially when both my boys are out, when it gets hard and my mind starts overthinking. I miss laying in bed with someone complaining about how thoughtless those kids are, in not telling us where they are or when they will be home.
Predictability… I miss knowing what my life will look like in 5 or 10 years. I like having a known preferential path and I am comfortable mostly staying on that path. I have found that life offers enough unpredictability and bumps in the road without me having to deliberately add more.
However, there are also things I disliked about monogamy and enjoy about polyamory:
My boyfriend… I really really like my boyfriend! Read this to get an idea of how much 🙂 I would never have met this man had I not ventured into non monogamy. He became my best friend when I was lost, terrified, and didn’t know where to turn, or what I wanted from this new path. And he became my lover after establishing that foundational friendship. Our dynamic as a couple has been like nothing I have ever experienced. He is a gift, and despite the fact that our situation is far from perfect, I love him like I have never loved another.
Carving out my own path on my own terms… Independence is a new concept for me and it is not one I gravitate to naturally. I love being a part of something and having people to work with towards mutual goals. Having the role of wife and helpmate was a natural fit for me. But, I am also starting to embrace and figure out who I am on my own. What do I want from life, how do I want to spend my time, and how do I want to define myself in terms of just ME, and not in terms of an “us” like I’ve always done in the past?
Making my house and property mine… I am finally cleaning up the mess in my house and on my acreage. My husband is a collector and has no concept of putting things away. Stuff always accumulated until I either lost my mind and dealt with it myself, or I compromised what I cared about and left it alone. Pick your battles was a constant phrase running through my head in all the years I lived with my husband. I have a long way to go, but I am slowly cleaning up, fixing up, getting rid of things, and striving towards making my surroundings pleasing to me.
No anxiety about what kind of mood I am going to be presented with… My husband was a moody guy. The last few years he lived with me were especially difficult. I never knew what I would be presented with on any given day. When he was in a good mood it was wonderful. We enjoyed each others company immensely. But when he wasn’t, which was often, he was miserable. My home ceased feeling like a sanctuary, and instead was a place we all wanted to escape. Walking on eggshells in your own home is awful, and I am grateful every day that is no longer the case.
My husband and I were not enough for each other… I am happy that we are not trying to make ourselves fit as our one and onlys for each other anymore. There were ways we complimented each other and things we did well together, but there was always something missing. We both felt that. We both strayed to other people and gravitated to activities apart from each other, because many things never quite worked properly for us as a couple. It is a relief to not have to try anymore.
The option of finding something new one day… It is nice knowing I could find someone or something else that might make my life even more fulfilling than I can imagine right now. Monogamy is predictable, but is also limiting on that front. The world is my oyster at this point. I am my only limiting factor. And despite the fact that the idea of the unknown scares me most days, it is also a good feeling knowing I am in charge of my own destiny.
Would I want to go back to monogamy with my husband? No, I would not. We had our run and we did some things well and some things not so well. Polyamory has been a tough road for me. And yes, many days I miss simpler times. But when I get honest, I have to acknowledge that my days in monogamy were not easy either. Would I do monogamy again for the right person? Perhaps. But the lesson I have reminded myself of again today, is an old one, but one I apparently need to keep relearning.
The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
Life is hard no matter which road you choose. Monogamy is not a guarantee of happiness or predictability. No path and no person is perfect. My choice is to be grateful and content with what I have right in front of me, OR, to do something about it if I am not happy.
So, I am taking off the rose coloured glasses once again and choosing to enjoy the green grass that is already on my side.
I had an interesting experience when I came out to family and friends about my polyamorous status. It was such a universal reaction that it gave me pause and I had to wonder what was going on in our messed up society.
In the course of telling my coming out story, I shared with several people that my husband and I had come from a background of cheating on each other. We had been down that road of secrecy and deceit, and knew first hand how much hurt it could cause. This was one of the reasons we wanted to do things differently moving forward. Open communication and consent between all parties involved seemed to us like a no brainer over cheating!
But according to my own experience and collected anecdotal evidence, affairs are still more acceptable in today’s society than practicing some form of ethical non monogamy!
I honestly thought that by sharing how we had come from a place of darkness to a more more enlightened headspace, that was much more honest and healthy, it would at least sway people towards understanding why we chose polyamory even if it wasn’t something they wanted to do themselves or even agreed with.
I was mistaken.
Once the dust settled a bit, I took some time to delve into this topic a bit more. I posed questions to those who had experienced a negative reaction when disclosing their unconventional lifestyle to people, and also to those who had given me this kind of reaction. As I referenced in my last article about coming out, people tended to be quite open with me once I told them my secrets.
Here is what I gleaned from those conversations:
Affairs are more mainstream than ethical non monogamy. Sadly, most people have been affected by affairs. They have engaged in them or have been at the brunt of this kind of deception and breach of trust. Generally speaking, it is a terrible experience. And yet, people know this experience. It is talked about and it has become part of most people’s reality. There is understanding around the topic because it is more mainstream. Whereas, there is a fundamental lack of understanding around non monogamy because it is a lesser known entity.
People do not like new ideas. As I just stated, many can identify with affairs in one way or another, but non monogamy, as a conscious choice seems very far fetched to most. My mom actually said, “In all my years I have never heard of such a thing! It is crazy, wrong, and disgusting!” And yet, she was one of those people who shared some unexpected secrets with me about dabbling in an affair! It was baffling to me that she could not at least see some positivity to being deliberate and honest, instead of deceitful, about our choices.
Wrapping your head around opening yourself up to the unknown, and letting your partner go out there, AND trusting that they will come back to you, is a tough concept. People understand wanting more from life and something different than they have experienced, but they do not understand being ok with it for the sake of their partners happiness and fulfillment. Nor do they believe that their partner would be able to reciprocate this for them. Most people do not trust that they can handle that kind of unknown. And most people do not trust their partner to that extent. They do not believe it will end up ok on the other side of saying yes to that kind of experience. And granted, it does not always work out. There is a risk involved in opening up, and most people simply do not want to take that risk.
Affairs are generally seen as short term. I know from experience that this is certainly not always the case. But people often assume affairs are a momentary lapse in judgement. They understand there was a temptation, that person wanted to experience a new thing, and now it is over and they can move on.
There is a conception that people fall into affairs, whereas non monogamy is a decision, and for some reason that is less forgivable. This is connected to the above point. A momentary lapse in judgement is something people can identify with, and are able to more readily accept and forgive. But the assumption that affairs are not a long process of tiny decisions that eventually lead to a given behaviour, is delusional in my opinion. Ethical non monogamy simply brings those ideas and series of decisions out in the open, where they can hopefully be handled in a more honest and non hurtful way.
There is an element of jealousy. This idea surprised me at first, but it made sense after giving it some thought.
“Why do you get to do it all when I didn’t’? I even managed not to cheat!”
Over and over in the last few years, I’ve heard variations on statements like this. People are frustrated with the fact that they chose the right path and lived that way their whole lives, not even considering there was a different way. Monogamy is hard for most people. But even if it wasn’t a joy filled relationship, there appears to be a badge of honour that goes with managing to maintain monogamy your whole life. It seems to dampen the importance or value of that badge for some, to find out that there are other ways to live life that give you more options and are possibly more fulfilling.
I have learned so much about human behaviour in this process of discovering non monogamy for myself, sharing it with those around me, and absorbing their reactions. People care about odd and unexpected things in relation to your relationships, that essentially have nothing to do with them. They can be very opinionated and their opinions are not necessarily logical.
One would assume that living your life in an ethical, honest, and open way, would be seen as far superior to that of a deceitful, underhanded, and hurtful way. It has been truly shocking to find this is not the case. New concepts most definitely make people uncomfortable. And most people do not want to put in the mind work it might take to understand them. They would rather live a life of mediocrity, even if it is lacking joy and abundance.
Ethical non monogamy, in whatever form it takes, is certainly not for everyone. I’ve been doing polyamory for years and I’m still not sure it’s for me! But what I do know is that living a life of integrity is of utmost importance to me. I also know that monogamy is hard, few succeed at it in a healthy way, humans like to see and often experience what is on the other side of the fence, and affairs regularly destroy people and their relationships.
SO… Which do you choose? Monogamy with affairs and secrecy OR ethical non monogamy with options and a life of integrity?
Is it just me or are you tired of repeating yourself 50 times just to get your point across to someone who is sitting right next to you?
In this day and age, I believe the phone (or screen of any kind) addiction concept is one we can pretty much all identify with. I experience this behaviour daily with my children, it frustrated me to no end when my husband still lived with me, and I am currently navigating this topic with my boyfriend. I am also sad to admit that I have been the one who needed something repeated back because I was not listening, on more occasions that I care to admit. This is not okay!
In my opinion this behaviour is damaging on many levels:
We are making more and more allowances for rude behaviour. On one level we know it’s not ok to ignore someone who is speaking to us, and on another level, we are all used to quickly qualifying this behaviour with something like, “Oh sorry, I just had to answer this text. I’ve been waiting to hear from him all day.”
We are losing the art of conversation because we don’t need to talk to each other even when we are together.
We are getting more and more uncomfortable with silence because, when conversation goes quiet, our default is to look at a screen.
We (and I would argue this is especially affecting our children) have no idea how to deal with being bored. It takes practice to be able to sit, be ok in our own heads, the space around us, and let our imaginations take over. I believe we are getting ever worse at this skill and finding healthy ways to escape because we turn to our devices as soon as we are confronted with nothingness.
It makes us feel less valued. When I speak and no one takes the time to listen, I feel like my words and my thoughts don’t matter.
Where this situation gets even more tricky and frustrating for me is in the context of polyamory.
When one is polyamorous, there is an assumption that you have more than one very important person in your life. Having one person takes time and effort in communication. And the more partners you have, the greater the effort that needs to go into communication and balancing that between more than one person. In my experience, no one wants to feel forgotten about, especially when one partner is off having fun and the other is left behind to deal with regular life.
This is a topic that is a constant struggle for my boyfriend and me. When I am with him I make allowances for him to talk to his other partners on the phone and in text. At the very least, every night as we are winding down and every morning as we begin the new day, he needs to take the time to check in with everyone.
Some days I get frustrated because I can spend 24 hours with him in a truck but by the end of the day, I’ll realize we barely had 2 real conversations because they always get broken up by the rest of his life, poly and otherwise. As long as there is cell reception, he is on the phone almost nonstop for work. On the one hand, I get it, most of his phone time is legitimate. He is not purposely trying to ignore me. And if I am going to be with him as he’s working, then this is life, and most days I can accept that. But on the other hand, I get frustrated if I’m trying to communicate something and it gets interrupted so often I can no longer remember my train of thought.
The other problem is when he is with other partners and does not check in with me the same way he does with them. He sees the other girlfriend much less frequently than he sees me, so he seemingly puts the phone down for her. That is understandable and yet I have argued, more time together is not necessarily better if the time is not quality time.
We have gotten into this topic directly again lately. And we are trying to come up with solutions that work all the way around. He has heard me and is trying to be better at balancing his life. He wants all of his partners to feel loved and connected to him at all times. When his wife and I are together we tend to gang up on him and tell him to put his phone down and pay attention to us! That has been fairly effective.
What is the balance here?
Mindlessly scrolling when your loved one is attempting to talk to you is clearly not ok. But what if your partner’s other partner just had a horrible day and needs to talk it through with her person, who also happens to be your person?
To some extent, I feel we have all boxed ourselves in with technology. On the one hand, it is wonderful how we can all stay connected so easily over distance. But on the other, it traps us as well. We are used to instant communication and people expect that from us as well. I am evaluating how I use my phone more and more these days and am not afraid to put it on do not disturb if I need or want to focus on what or who is in front of me.
At this point, I am getting better at voicing my opinions if I need something, from my partner or my kids. I prefix it with, “I need to talk to you. Please put your phone down” before I waste precious breath. I also ask for regular uninterrupted times, like while we are at the table eating a meal together.
I am also trying to figure out what I need from others regarding communication, why I need it, and then ask for it. And at the same time, I am working to be cognizant of my own behaviors, and more thoughtful towards others.
I am curious what you do to navigate in this day and age of endless screen time? And if you are polyamorous, how do you navigate the balancing act of taking care of your partners?
There was definitely some relief when my husband moved out of our bed permanently. Things were not great between us for some time, and our bedroom started feeling like a stressful place instead of a sanctuary. But at the same time, when you have been doing something for so many years, it can be daunting getting used to something different, even if it is a good thing.
I am about three years into this sleeping mostly alone forray, and I have struggled with feeling lonely, especially around bedtime. I am only starting to be ok with this situation more nights than I’m not.
I must admit, one of the reasons it’s hard to be alone is that I have a boyfriend out there whom I love sleeping with! When we are together I sleep much more peacefully. Because of this variable of not being single or consistently alone, and being viscerally aware of what I’m missing when I am, I imagine it has taken me longer to get used to the whole idea, rather than if I had gone cold turkey.
But my reality is that I am alone most nights. An amazing month for me these days is 6 non consecutive nights with my boyfriend.
I am trying to grow as a human and part of that process for me is practicing gratitude, mindfulness, and being content exactly where I am, even if it isn’t perfect or where I want to be long term. What follows is a reflection of the inner debate that has been playing out for me on this topic.
There will always be cons to sleeping alone for me:
I am always cold. I seem to have a very hard time producing my own body heat so when I go to bed cold, I have a very hard time warming up. Heat packs and hot water bottles have become my best friends.
I am a snuggler. Even when my husband and I were no longer sexually active, we often still snuggled when we slept in the same bed. This is my default behaviour. I enjoy having another human within reach. And it sure does help keep my body temperature stable!
As long as I am alone, I’m not having sex. I really like sex and when my boyfriend and I are together this is a major component to us sleeping together. We enjoy time to play and engage and wear ourselves out with each other, which is likely one of the reasons we sleep so well when we are together.
When I am alone and can’t sleep, my thoughts often wander to dark places. Everything is so much more dramatic at night, and given the stress of the last bunch of years, I tend to spiral quickly, and have a lot of trouble sleeping. Whereas when I’m with my boyfriend, there is always something (or someone) else I can focus on that is much more fun than my frustrating monkey brain!
These cons are fairly encompassing for me but upon reflection, I’m grateful they no longer tell the whole story.
I have some newly realized pros to sleeping alone:
I can take up all the space I want. Funny enough I still usually stay on “my” side of the bed, but now and then I remember I don’t have to and I stretch right out and enjoy every inch of my king sized bed. I am happy to say, those times are happening more and more often.
I can stay awake, with a light on, for as long as I want. Reading before sleeping was something I always loved doing, but eventually gave up, because it bothered my husband. Well now I can read or watch tv for as long as my heart desires, or my eyes stay open!
No one is keeping me up with their snoring or taking all the room up on the bed or hogging the blanket. Many a time I woke up clinging to the edge of my KING sized bed, because my husband kept moving closer to my side until there was no room left for me!
I no longer keep anyone awake with whatever it is I do, that could possibly be considered annoying. I can snore, pass gas, talk in my sleep, toss and turn, or do anything else my unconscious chooses to do, without it bothering anyone else.
I can use flannel bedding and fuzzy blankets any time I want. I love flannel but unless it is extremely cold, it has made my other partners go crazy because they overheat. And my boyfriend absolutely HATES fuzzy blankets. They make his skin crawl. But I always have them around because I tend to be so cold when I sleep.
I can decorate my bed and my bedroom any way I desire. I don’t need to worry about making my bedding overly girly like I did when I was setting up the space for my husband and me.
When my boyfriend is available, there is always room for him. When my husband was in the picture we used to have to find a different bed to sleep in when my boyfriend would visit, and although we made it work, things are simplified having my own space.
I most definitely love sleeping beside a person I love. I am happy when cuddling, skin time, and sex are on the table. There is nothing that makes me feel more peaceful, safe, and content than that perfect intimate combination at play. But at the same time, I am also coming around to the fact that being alone doesn’t always mean that I am lonely anymore. More often than not, I am ok despite the fact that I am alone most nights. I am getting more comfortable being with myself and using my space on my own terms.
Maybe one day my circumstances will change, and ironically, I’m starting to wonder if going back to someone always being in my bed will be harder, now that I’m getting used to the whole idea of being alone.
When I look back over my coming out journey, I realize I essentially did it all by myself, despite the fact that my husband and I embarked down this road together. It has not been easy to walk this road alone. He was never interested in having those potentially difficult discussions with anyone, whereas, despite my strong conflict avoidance tendencies, I wanted to be free of secrecy with those I was closest to. So I went ahead and got on with it!
I took my time in this process and dealt with each situation as I deemed necessary, depending on who they were in my life, and if I felt like my secrets were hindering our relationship somehow or not. I did agree with my husband that not everyone needed to know every detail of our lives. But as I’ve said in my pastposts about coming out, when I had a person in my life who became significant to me, it got more and more frustrating to hide him as “just a family friend”.
The first friend I told was my EX bestie. I label the friendship as such, because of how this conversation unfolded. She moved away after university but we always stayed in touch and would get together whenever she was in town. I had a feeling she might not jump for joy over my poly status, given her Christian roots, but I honestly thought I would be able to have an open easy discussion with her because her behaviour has always erred on the side of liberal.
I was incorrect.
She came down hard on me with judgement. She did not agree with our decisions. She brushed it off as a phase. She stated that she played the field extensively in her 20’s but now that she is “mature” she realizes the error of her ways. She is single and has been for well over 10 years now and seems content to be so. I think that is lovely, but the fact that she had no shortage of thoughts on people who are choosing to live life differently than her, was frustrating. Now that she no longer cares about a sex life for herself, sex before and outside of marriage is wrong. Period! It felt a little too convenient and hypocritical given her history.
She asked that I get my life “in order” and not speak to her about this topic ever again. I left it alone for a few years but then updated her when my husband moved out. She gave her sympathies for my tricky situation but again reiterated that I needed to stop committing adultery and being another man’s mistress.
It has been frustrating to not be able to dialogue with her about the big things in my life. But I am leaving that situation alone for now, in favor of the friends who do want an authentic relationship with me.
My next and much more positive experience was with my current bestie. I became friends with her boyfriend before they got together and he knew of mine and my husbands foray into non monogamy from day one. There was a foundation of acceptance that gave me hope with him at least. But I hadn’t updated him about my boyfriend, and I knew his girlfriend didn’t know about any of it.
She and I hit it off amazingly well from day one. And I knew rather quickly that I wanted to be able to be completely myself with her. But I was scared.
I finally found a woman I liked a lot, was excited to engage with, but I was worried about a few things potentially occurring if I told her.
I was scared she would bolt because my weirdness would be too much for her.
I was scared she would think I was going after her boyfriend since I was technically available and he and I were very close friends.
I was scared of another judgmental reaction that would compartmentalize yet another friendship into topics that were on or off the table between us.
But I knew I had to disclose if we had any hope of this being the kind of deep friendship I knew it could be.
So I wrote an email explaining the whole situation. I sent it to her boyfriend and asked for his thoughts on my situation. I also asked him to share the letter with her, hoping we could follow up with an in person discussion whenever they felt ready.
Those were a few long days of waiting!
I really cared about these people and I felt like we were building a great friendship together. But I was worried.
I’m happy to report it went well!
In fact, it was an exceedingly smooth process. There was no judgement whatsoever. There was only curiosity. And from then on, she became my main confidante in all things poly, and in all things life. The relief was immense and my mental health got better, because for the first time in a very long time, I had a non partial and very supportive person to talk to about anything.
I am beyond grateful for this incredible woman to this day!
The next people to find out were my son’s girlfriend and her dad. I did not share the information on this one. My son did. She had become very close to us all and she saw us as her second family. Her mom was mostly out of the picture so she clung to me as a mother figure. Given the closeness, my son felt that she should know, and I supported him in this decision.
She had a strong initial reaction because she felt like the family entity she was familiar with and loved, had been shattered. We were the idea of her picture perfect family. And when this information came to light, her view on us became distorted. We had a lot of conversations together over the next few weeks, trying to calm her fears and reassure her that we were still exactly who we were before. I succeeded at this thankfully.
She already knew my boyfriend because she and her dad had come out to help at the ranch one day. This foundation was helpful because he was a known and liked entity.
She told her dad soon after she found out and I had an in depth discussion with him about it. He had no issues with the idea whatsoever. And in fact, he said it clarified a lot for him. He professed that when he had hung out with my boyfriend and me, he had gotten the vibe that there was more to us than we were letting on. He was happy to hear we weren’t cheating because he had been wondering what was going on.
This confirmed that coming out sooner than later is a good idea. People pick up on vibes we don’t even know we are throwing out to the world and I did not want people making up their own conclusions about what they were observing and feeling.
The last person I want to share about, was one of my best friends over the last bunch of years. She died in the spring of 2021, just over a year ago. But she died knowing everything about me and loving me unconditionally.
It took me a long time to disclose to her, given how close we were. But I felt like she had more pressing things going on in her life and we usually talked about her life rather than mine. She first got sick right around the time my boyfriend and I got serious. There was much turmoil and upheaval in her world and we chose to focus on getting her through that. I am still happy I stuck with that as my priority. I wanted to tell her sooner but it also did not really matter. She needed love, support, a listening ear, and the practicality of cooked meals. And that was where I chose to concentrate my energy.
She recovered from the first bout of cancer and we thought she might be ok. But she got hit with another cancer brick only a year after her initial surgery. It had spread and she was terminal.
Again, I chose to rally with her and focus on what she needed. But one day she was sick of talking about her life and she prodded into mine a bit more than normal. She was a wise woman who knew more than she let on. I knew this about her and I knew it was time to talk. So I delved in with the whole story.
She had known there were issues between my husband and I over the years, but I had never gotten into our choice of non monogamy. When I told her, everything clicked into place. She had met my boyfriend at a few parties and was another one of those people who felt there was more between us and was not remotely surprised when I told her. Once again, I was happy to clear up a suspicion that potentially made people think poorly of me.
I was concerned that my friend’s husband might take this information a different way so I left it up to her to tell or not tell. She chose not to tell him but encouraged me to keep a close friendship with him after she passed. I have. And I’ve since told him everything. Although he thinks polyamory is a crazy path, he accepts me completely as well. Our friendship has only deepened as our knowledge of each other has become more encompassing.
In conclusion, I am extremely grateful that my experience in sharing my polyamorous life has gone well with some people. Yes there are broken relationships with my family that are haunting me, and there was that one friendship that will never be the same. But overall, I am happy I have been honest with people.
I shared my story with more people in the last two years and one thing I can say with complete certainty is that, when you make the move towards authenticity, most people will follow you there. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard secrets people were afraid to share with anyone else, AFTER I made the first move. As soon as I shared something important to me, they knew it was safe to reciprocate.
This has been an unexpected gift.
Most people live their lives with secrets they do not want to carry, but feel they must for whatever reason. This is unhealthy. You need to be wise in your divulging choices, but I would challenge everyone to be more forthcoming in their close relationships. We all need a safe space where we can be completely ourselves in all the good, bad, and ugly forms we can take on. Take a chance and trust that the right people will be there to catch you on the hard days.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — be true to who you are and the people left standing by your side are likely well worth your time and effort, for life.
My husband’s girlfriend has been in our lives for over four years now. How I felt about her when we met is vastly different than how I feel about her now.
I met her before she became important to my husband which I appreciated. I didn’t mind her disposition under the context of friendship. But I found her increasingly difficult to be around when they started dating because she is so vastly different from me and it was hard to find common ground. I think she was also uncomfortable and trying to find her place in our world, so we were both a bit defensive and territorial. I won’t delve into all the details because I’ve written a post all about her in the past…
But suffice it to say, we are in a good place with each other now and have been for some time. My husband left our home to live with her and her children and despite the fact that there are ongoing challenges with that, I have learned to appreciate her place in my husbands life, and even enjoy the fact that he found something he was never able to have with me. We have mutual respect for each other and enjoy hangout time when we get it.
The caveat with this situation, that is different from the following ones, is that my husband and I took sex out of the equation several years ago. I have a sneaking suspicion my ease with her has something to do with the fact that we aren’t remotely fighting for the same kind of attention. When my husband had other sexual partners alongside me, I found that to be a constant challenge to navigate between us.
My boyfriend’s wife is one of the loveliest humans I know and we have always gotten along well. I met her in a friendship state many months before my boyfriend and I delved into more of a romantic relationship.
We are oddly similar to the point where it freaks us out sometimes. We have similar personalities, are attracted to similar men, experience similar issues with those men, and have followed a similar path in our lives in regards to marriage, kids, how we raise our kids, and general shared values.
These variables have made it easy to want what is best for her. We give each other space. We love and respect each other in our own right and in conjunction with the man we share. Things are not always easy and we freely admit there are hard days when what we want or need from our partner conflicts directly with each other. But what is lovely is that we are close enough to have these honest discussions. And it always helps to know we understand each other. I would say our dynamic is the quintessential kitchen table polyamory people talk about.
According to Jess Mahler, kitchen table polyamory refers to…
…poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Folks who prefer kitchen table polyamory want to know their metamours and be friends with them. They may want their kids and their metamours kids to spend time together, or their metamour’s other partners to be comfortable calling them up to plan a surprise party together.
This is a perfect description for us. We love to hang out and drink coffee (or cider) together, we love each others kids, our kids feel like siblings to each other, and we even plan parties together! All in all, this is my ideal metamour relationship.
My boyfriend had live in girlfriend when we met. She formed a triad with him and his wife. When we met it was in the same context as his wife, of getting to know each other at a friend level first.
Things went well for a while. We were very different people but knew how to have fun together and enjoyed each other’s company. Our major common ground was where we had issues with poly. We were both insecure in our partners attaching with others in a significant way. Because of this we had a lot of open dialogue which helped us navigate even when I became one of those “threatening” people in her life.
But then things changed.
She was having issues with my boyfriend and as things went from bad to worse with them, so did things between her and I. I liked her and wanted them to succeed, so I made a lot of room for her over several years of this rollercoaster. My boyfriend put so much energy into making that relationship work, I think many things fell by the wayside for us that we should probably have dealt with years ago, because he didn’t have the energy for more conflict. But that might be a story for another day…The point being, that conflict between a couple can have unhealthy effects on everyone they are associated with.
One day, in an effort to encourage her, I made a comment in a text she took the wrong way, misunderstanding my tone, and she never spoke to me again. I only knew it was the text that offended her because my boyfriend got to the bottom of that one. I was mystified and I was hurt. I thought we were friends and that we had enough trust between us that she would at least ask me to clarify something that seemed off. I did try to engage her many times but she never reciprocated. From then on there was no communication and she did everything to make sure we never crossed paths if we were in the same city at the same time.
They broke up for good about a year later, but I must say, this situation was scarring for me. I felt like I was a very good metamour to her and it still backfired on me spectacularly. I gave up what I needed and wanted with my boyfriend, on so many levels, to accommodate her. When that relationship ended it took a lot of patience and tolerance with it. I would say everyone associated with that situation still holds some trauma, and experiences trepidation over something new in the future because of how poorly that went.
My boyfriend also has a girlfriend whom I’ve never met. She lives far away and we have never crossed paths. They have been together almost as long as my boyfriend and I have.
This is the situation that causes me grief most often and has since day one. The girlfriend I just discussed caused trauma, but there were also happy times and mutual good wishes between us for a while. Whereas this person feels like a mostly unknown entity who adds nothing to my life. I know this sounds like a harsh statement. And I am aware that she adds value to my boyfriends life or she would not still be around. But in very basic terms, relative to me, her existence has caused me more pain than anything beneficial that I can put my finger on.
Within the first year, I made some effort to get to know her. I knew she was turning into a monster in my mind and I didn’t want that. I figured if I knew her, she would become more human just like my other metamours. So we dialogued through email with some regularity for about a year. I suggested meeting in person at a halfway point, but that never happened.
After a while we both found the emails taxing. We were misunderstanding each other, getting defensive in our positions, and it took too much energy to keep up discussions when it felt like we were not moving forward positively. When my husband and I went through our big drama, I stopped talking to her. I had nothing left in me to give to someone else at the time, or to make room for something that took more energy from me than it was giving.
I still feel bad about this at times, but I also have no desire to make concerted efforts for her. I wish we had met back before we were both so heavily invested. My boyfriend is unhappy with our dynamic, but then he did nothing at the beginning to help us navigate to something better either. So here we are, in a less than ideal situation, where I am still highly sensitive when my boyfriend spends time with her and drops much of his attention on me.
When I look over this list and analyze what has worked and what has not, I believe I have learned a few things.
Overall, more people is just plain hard. I have learned that with every person comes exponential variables to navigate. I find it exhausting and that is one of the reasons I am not delving into finding someone else myself at this point in time, even though that would probably be a good idea for me long term. I have also learned that I have a tough time sharing a sexual dynamic between my partner and others. But, I have also learned that I have room for complicated variables for the right kind of person.
Here are some thoughts that stand out as we possibly incorporate future partners:
I would like to meet someone and be able to give an opinion about how they may or may not fit. I am unsure about the fairness of veto power, but an open discussion would be nice.
I would like to establish at least a bit of a friendship before they become important to my partner in a lifelong commitment kind of way.
I enjoy kitchen table polyamory much more than keeping our lives separate.
I can make room for someone even on their worst days, if they can show me reciprocal respectful and kind behaviour.
I’m not sure what the future holds for me in this complicated polyamorous world, but I have had some successes regarding my metamours, and hope that my future experiences resemble those types of relationships.
Sunshine, snow melting, rivers brimming Puddles that disperse into the waiting thirsty ground Brown foliage turning ever so slowly to various shades of green Branches getting thicker as buds form and fatten, waiting to burst into blooms Rain sustaining new growth
The cycle of life is at work Smells of earth and decay are in their final stage of decomposition, feeding new life, new growth Birds singing and nesting anew, awaiting the birth of their chicks Burned forests of summer past show new blades of grass, sprigs of trees
New life is all around! Puppies, kittens, bugs and chicks, cubs, foals, ducklings and ticks All of nature is renewing itself
It is time we do the same
Death has meaning and has given way to new life Purpose is everywhere and in everything, if we just take the time to look, listen, touch, and smell It is the season of renewal It is the season of hope
Coming out was an ongoing debate between my husband and I for several years. I wanted to tell people and he did not. I had been a part of secrets that came out in unhealthy and unfair ways, and had been at the brunt of rumours that ruined many of my relationships in the past. I knew what it was like to have people make assumptions about me and to not have the chance to tell my own story to the world first. But my husband wanted to let things unfold “naturally”.
For the first while it didn’t matter to me. We were working on our relationship and navigating all the unknowns and figuring out what we even wanted in non monogamy. But once I had a person attached to my life, I did not want to keep him a secret, especially from those closest to me.
Without my husband’s blessing I went ahead and told my kids because it started to feel like I was lying to them in order to keep up my relationship. I started having to make up stories about why I was going to another city overnight to see a “friend”. I was not ok with that kind of deception or being that kind of example to my kids. For details, check out that story below…
I also told a few close friends along the way and despite that being scary, it actually went quite well. I didn’t have many people in my life at that point and those who were there already knew and understood me in ways few had previously. That was a good foundation with which to absorb this new information.
But all family on both sides, except one of my sisters, remained in the dark until May of 2020. I knew it was going to be a tough conversation with each of them, but I still wanted to have it. I felt like I had to do so much cover up and offer strange explanations when our partners would show up to birthday parties and things like that. But my husband remained steadfast in his preference to let the information come out gradually, and I am terrible at confrontation, so I let this go for a while yet.
And then the pandemic hit.
Once my husband moved out of our home and to another city to be with his girlfriend, there was only so long I could keep this secret. I managed for almost two months because we weren’t seeing anyone anyway. But the questions kept coming about how we were doing, where was my husband, and why did he have to go to a different city for work (that is what we told people), etc etc…
I actually told my inlaws first. They came over to help my kids and me navigate some power issues (my father in law is an electronic genius and helped build our power system originally). They asked questions and I refused to keep up any more lies at that point and I told them everything. I told them my husband left to be with his partner, we were not doing well, things had been miserable for a while, I had a married boyfriend, and that we had all chosen to live life as polyamorous for some time now.
It did not go well.
They freaked out. They were mad and upset and came down hard with moral judgement. They came down harder on their son than on me because they were very upset that he left his family, first and foremost. It might be prudent to say that both our families are practising Christians with traditional Christian values. So this news was not only jarring and disappointing but it was met with fierce opposition, many morally based questions, and judgements about the sinful way we were living our lives.
I told my brother next but I did that in a letter. I wanted to explain the whole story without interruption, before we talked it through in person. He came to see me the next day and again, this did not go well. I thought he might appreciate my well thought out approach to poly. But he didn’t. He was disappointed in me and my life decisions and could not get around the idea that I was an adulterous. And this is all that was brought up when I tried to talk to him about it over the next few months. Apparently my decisions made him physically sick. And that was incredibly hard to hear.
Lastly, I went to visit my mom. Unexpectedly, hers was the calmest reaction. She was quieter and simply cried the entire time. She asked a few questions but stayed quietly upset while I talked, which is actually very unlike her. It gave me a bit of hope at first. But as she took time to process, her thinking ended up being the same. I needed to make my marriage work and I needed to stop being another man’s concubine immediately. I said neither of those things were happening, but from that day forward, for about a year, I got a daily Bible verse texted to me to help show me the error of my ways.
I felt like my foundation and my entire support network got ripped out from under me. It was brutal. And the frustrating thing was that I had to do it alone. My husband was not around and although he eventually had to deal with his parents, I did the hard work for him. My boyfriend lives in a different city so his support was from a distance which was also very hard on me at the time. I kept wondering what it was all for. I fought to come out and be authentic about who I was and what I was doing, and at the end of the day, I was alone anyway.
The stress was immense. Separation from my husband and all the change that entailed would have been enough turmoil on it’s own. This was more than I bargained for and my stress levels went through the roof.
But there has been some headway.
My in laws do not love where we are at, and the decisions we have made, but they have decided to keep engaging in a relationship with us. They are still here for me anytime I need in tangible and emotional ways. They plan hangouts and we’ve managed to do Christmases and other occasions together with my husband, his girlfriend and her kids, my inlaws, and me and our kids. It’s an interesting group with all kinds of strange dynamics! But it has been wonderful too. I’m grateful for how they’ve supported this transition and have come around fairly well. They still dream that my husband and I will find our way back to each other and have a tough time with my married boyfriend, so he has not been included in the gatherings as of yet. But I appreciate the steps of inclusion nonetheless.
My mom has gotten less opinionated. I asked her to stop sending me Bible verses and she listened. We see each other rarely because it has been too hard on us both. I haven’t had the capacity to listen to more judgement. Some months ago she informed me that she wished I had never told her because she has found it heartbreaking and very hard to live with. That was tough to hear.
But recently I bit the bullet and went to see her. It was one of those days where I just missed my mom. And it was good. She is more careful with me now. We have had a few heated discussions over the last two years but she doesn’t want to lose me either. She loves me but will never agree with my decisions. It’s far from perfect but I also didn’t expect her, at age 80, to suddenly embrace polyamory when she is still of the mindset that sex before marriage is wrong. I am trying to take it as a win that she still wants me in her life.
Then there’s my brother. That has been the hardest one for me and the situation with the least movement. We used to be best friends. He was my hero and my protector in the way older brothers often are. But he has come down hard on my choices and tells me repeatedly how wrong they are and will not even try to accommodate me or my boyfriend and our way of thinking. He says he would like me to be in his life. But so far being around him or even talking to him has come at a price for me. He has been cruel and I did not expect that from him. So I have chosen to kept my distance despite the fact that I miss him deeply.
My Takeaways…
Despite it being hard, I did the right thing in coming out.
People are not always who you thought they were.
People do not always react the way you expect they will.
Come out sooner rather than later. By the time this info surfaced, my entire life, and thus my story, had changed from where we started, and it was a lot for everyone to process.
People need time to process. Give people time to react and sometimes things will get better as information is digested more thoroughly.
Let go of, or at least put up boundaries around those who can’t support you, especially if there is nothing but negativity and judgement coming from them. It becomes unhealthy to engage with that over time.
Be true to who you are and the people left standing by your side are likely well worth your time and effort, for life.
I never asked any of these people to agree with me, change their beliefs for me, or jump on my poly bandwagon. I completely understand that this lifestyle choice is hard for many to understand. But I did ask that there be open dialogue without judgement. I did not want to hide who I was or who I loved. I was tired of secrets and wanted to be authentic when I engaged with people. I did my part and I have tried to accept that I cannot control other people’s reactions. But it is really hard when these have been “your people” your entire life and suddenly their support vanishes. Even with the passing of time my heart is still pretty bruised.
Coming out is important if you want to live a life free from hiding and secrecy, but it can be a lonely experience all the same. Proceed with caution.
My Journey to Now 