Why Do I Love My Farmers Market?

It’s not just about the tasty produce.

This summer, I’ve gotten back into the habit of going to the local farmers market almost every week. As I’ve been travelling less with no more long-distance boyfriend in the mix, I’ve had a bit more time on my hands. I’ve had a harder time being alone at home for long periods of time as I go through this transition from lonely to simply alone.

One of the ways I’ve decided to spend my time is to search out my core values and get back to things I believe in, like supporting my local food sources and going to the endless fruit stands around my city and supporting my community farmers market every week. And every time I make the trek, I leave feeling good about my choice.

There are a few reasons why this is the case.

I love supporting local businesses.
As a small business owner myself, I understand what it means to have the support of your community. My husband and I have had several small businesses over the years, and one of the ones we most recently ran for a few years and then lost due to the pandemic was a produce delivery company. When this business was working, it was very rewarding. We loved getting to know local farmers and being the liaison between them and some of our local restaurants. Those kinds of connections make the world feel much smaller and more connected in a really lovely way. Everyone cares about what is going on along the way. When drought hits or there is a hail storm, everyone in that circle understands the long-term ramifications, and they rally to take care of each other. Every action has a reaction down the line, and I think it is valuable to understand that. It makes people care about everyone involved.

There is a connection to our food.
Most people in this day and age have little understanding of what it takes to grow and produce your own food. There is no connection between what is on your plate and how it got there. This is something I have always valued and tried to teach my kids along the way by raising chickens for meat and eggs, growing a garden, or foraging and picking wild things and making preserves or beverages out of them. My kids understood, from the time that they could walk, that the chickens needed daily food and water if they were to have the privilege of eating eggs.
The farmers market is not quite as personally connected, but it is a much closer step to that connection as opposed to big box stores. You see the farmers every week. You hear their stories. They share the local news and what bugs and pests are doing to the crops and how the weather changes everything. We had no peaches in our valley this year because the weather did not support them. I likely would not have known that if I had not been part of that market environment.

I appreciate the lower environmental impact of staying local.
In most of the world, and certainly in my part, climate change has been rearing its head and there has been a direct impact on the food supply chain. I’ve always appreciated that food should take a shorter trip between the harvesting and your kitchen because it tastes better and is better for you. But in light of what has been happening around the world with pandemics and catastrophic weather, there is no question we need to do better. We need to support local farmers so that the people who love what they do and are good at doing it will keep growing food for us. If they can do so in a way that makes economic sense for them, we will not starve even if the highways are shut for 2 weeks.

I love the community atmosphere.
Getting to know vendors over time is priceless. There are a lot of lovely people in this world we never have a venue to meet. This is one way. Just this week, as my friend and I, were purchasing some gorgeous beefsteak tomatoes, she commented about the t-shirt one of the vendors was wearing, and we soon got into a discussion with said t-shirt wearer about raising chickens and how we’ve all had issues with raccoons in the last couple of years. It was interesting. We felt comradery. We encouraged each other to keep doing what we are doing despite the challenges. And now I have one more personal connection to my food, how it is grown and who is growing it.

It’s a great place to meet up with friends.
I rarely meet up with people to hang out at the grocery store. But somehow meeting at the farmer’s market is totally different. We shop together. We get coffee and find a shady tree to sit under, and suddenly you are not just getting your lists checked off, but you are spending time feeding your soul. We chat, we support our local economy, and we laugh as we navigate carrying too many things at once without spilling our coffee. Today my friend spilled her coffee and I walked around complaining about onions in my armpits because the tops were so long and my very full bags were awkward to carry, and the onions kept finding their way to my armpit! It was hilarious, but you probably had to be there 🙂 The point is, that those silly moments build memories, feed relationships, and make life so much more enjoyable than pushing a cart around a huge store and not saying a word to anyone.

Last but not least, I love the fresh and tasty produce.
Sun-kissed tomatoes and strawberries make you want to run from big box stores and never return. The carrots I eat this time of year don’t even resemble what I eat in the winter. Fresh, local produce is the way food was meant to taste, and it is sad that for most of us, for most of the year, those flavours are more like a treat than the norm. So while I can, I’m taking it all in!

As life has gone in some different and difficult directions for me as of late, I am trying to get to the heart of who I am again. It’s too soon to think about things like relationships and big future goals, but I do need to feed my family every day. So I’m fuelling my soul and my body with small decisions right now, like shopping at the farmers market, and hoping these baby steps lead to a healthier me all around.

I’m Afraid I’ve Lost My Muse

My love was an endless source of inspiration that fuelled my writing.

Most of my writing in the last few years was somehow inspired by this man who is no longer in my world. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Things I didn’t know were possible. I felt passionate in ways that were new to me. He inspired many of my personal essays, my poetry, and my erotic fiction. And I’m scared that all I have left in me are stories of sadness, darkness and longing.

At this point, there are a few topics I cannot seem to let myself sink into. And I’m not sure how long that will last, but they are not in me today.

The polyamorous lifestyle is a tough topic for me right now. I have a bunch of half developed stories around poly, but at this juncture, I feel so hopeless about that particular life direction that I don’t feel like following any of those threads through. I’m not sure if I can be objective enough to see that there are positives and things that do make sense in this lifestyle. After all, I did go down this path for a reason after all. But the way my journey has unfolded has left me jaded and frustrated with the idea of polyamory. So for the meantime I will likely leave that topic alone.

Love and romantic relationships have also been my focus. I have not been single for over 28 years. I have experienced a lot of diversity and have had the gamut of ups and downs. Through all the rollercoasters, I kept feeling like love would win. But there again, love feels frustratingly hopeless at this moment in time. I gave it my all. I worked so hard to love better and healthier, knowing and learning from mistakes I made with my husband. Not only that, but I feel like I gave this man everything I had. We loved with abandon, and many things were right, done well and felt amazing! And yet here I am. Alone. So, besides my sad heartbreak types of topics, I don’t feel like writing about the wonders of love at this point in time.

Then there is sex. This is a really tough one to think about, and I am trying hard not to most of the time. The sex life my love and I shared was amazing, intense, passionate, playful, loving, exploratory and all encompassing. It was never far from either of our minds, even when we were apart. Much of our communication had a tone of longing and desire and always looking forward to when we would next be together.

We were always foraging new ideas we wanted to try together. We pushed each other and yet there was never pressure at the same time. I have never come close to experiencing this kind of dynamic in my life with anyone else. I have had lots of great sex with other people in my life, but this was on a whole other level.

I miss sharing love, vulnerability, emotion and passion, and having this kind of stress outlet and creative expression in my life. It was easily one of the greatest gifts this man gave me. I didn’t know I was capable of this kind of dynamic or even wanted this in my life until him. And I will be forever changed because of it. And terrified I’ll never find anything close again. So for now, my erotic fiction type of writing also feels like a struggle because it reminds me of what I don’t have.

let go once. and if it keeps coming up, let go again. peace does not just happen, you have to practice it. there is no need to overcomplicate the simple act of bringing yourself back into the present moment. yung pueblo

I guess this is all I can do when these topics rear. Try and let go over and over. I won’t let go of these subjects in general, I have learned much in the last bunch of years and because I was in this relationship, and I hope to keep learning and experiencing more in the future. But I need to let go of how loaded these topics are at the moment because they are all associated with loss and hurt right now.

I’m thinking, I’m learning, and I’m processing, but I’m trying not to go too deeply into my past to the point where I am resentful of the loss and angry over the cost. And I don’t want to go too far forward where all I can think about it what I will no longer experience. I seep into both these places constantly, of course, because I am grieving. But then I work hard to get back into the present moment.

As in all things, there is a balance to be struck. But for now, my writing will take on a different tone because that is where my heart is, and that is what my heart can handle. And I always write from my heart as my baseline. Perhaps one day I will find another muse. And hey, just maybe, it will come from me, myself and I.

Please bear with me in the meantime 🙂

Love Hurts

And yet we all keep choosing it

Nothing makes you feel like love can make you feel
It can provide the highest high and on the same day it can make you feel nothing but despair

Love really is blind
When there are problems, we so often choose not to see
The good outweighs the bad so easily

That touch from your lover
The way he grabs you to kiss you like nothing else exists but his passion for you
The feel of his skin melding into yours, the experience of his body becoming one with you
The primal nature of that connection is like nothing else on earth!
We were made for this

It is intoxicating
It becomes a need
It trumps the bad that you know is present but is so easy to stomp down the second you are in his arms

The stress, the uncertainty and the fear goes away in those moments
It can even be pushed down for days
As long as we are together, it all makes sense and nothing else matters
I feel loved, I feel whole, I feel cherished

Nothing else counts
My fears are pointless
We are in love!

I tell myself this is what is right
This is what’s true
And it is the only truth that matters

We belong together, or this feeling wouldn’t exist
Right?

Love, passion, desire, vulnerability, companionship…
We had it all!

Sadness, loneliness, distance, stress, and endless questioning…

We did have it all.

We had the magic, and we had that moment when you know there is no magic
There is just real life

And that is where our love needs to exist if it is to be forever on this known plain
The pain becomes too great at that moment
Our brains tell us clearly what our hearts wouldn’t hear
The magic is shattered

At best, love is a rollercoaster

Love is the greatest thing that ever was and will ever be
We are made for love, we are made for connection
Our bodies, our hearts, and our very souls need each other

But we are imperfect beings, and we are ever-changing entities living through ever-changing variables
We somehow screw up this gift regularly, even though it is what we all strive for

Love hurts

But all I want is for it, for him, to come back to me…

How Do I Keep The Darkness at Bay?

My heart is broken, and I can’t seem to get out from under the shadows and find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel.

I am new to this kind of heartbreak, and I cannot believe how all-encompassing it is! I’ve had other relationships end. My marriage broke down. I have had loss and heartbreak in many facets, but it has never felt like this.

I have never wanted something to work so badly, been SO madly in love, had him madly in love with me, and had it not work. It’s baffling and frustrating every day as I come to grips with my reality. And I still cannot believe this is my new truth.

Love is the hardest drug to quit, but it is even harder when it is taken away.
Ashleyy

My hope that we may one day find each other again in a way that makes more sense, is also rapidly dwindling. We wanted to know and believe that despite this break, we were still working toward each other, but I am realizing that wishing does not make it so, and I can’t make promises I can’t keep.

Fundamentally, I do not know if I am wired for polyamory and this man can never offer me monogamy. All my issues are not around polyamory, but many of them are, and those are the ones I either need to be at peace with or not.

I’ve been in this non-monogamous world for almost 8 years now, and at some point I need to acknowledge if this is actually how I want to live my life. If it was me, it should not be getting harder over time. This truth is slowly sinking in for us both, and because of that, we are trying to create more distance between us and not prolong the torture of false hope.

There will be a time when you are forced to follow your heart away from someone you love.
Ashley Lorenzana

This is essentially what we did. We tried to follow our hearts away from each other, knowing it was what neither of us wanted, and yet had to be. Although at this point distance is torture. So it feels like it makes no sense. Logically, I know distance and time should lessen the intensity of what I’m feeling now. But I’m not at the point where I can imagine that reality yet.

I have had too many of life’s stressors take over my world in the last few years, and I knew I needed something to give. Stress is starting to wreck me and my quality of life. I need a rest and a break. I naively thought that a few weeks into this situation I may be feeling enough relief that I could start focusing and working through other issues that have been shoved under the rug, in hopes of eventual overall healing and wholeness.

I’m feeling no relief.

I’m fighting the constant shroud of darkness I am under.

I know I am loved, but I feel so lonely at the same time.

Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don’t.
Stephen King

Every day, I have to force myself to get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I want to give up. I would love to go to sleep and never wake up. But when I do wake up, I know I can’t linger in bed or let the sadness take over, or it might just take me away forever. So I make myself as busy as possible as I’m trying to outrun the pain. Where is that balance of being present with my pain so that I can work through it, but not let it engulf me at the same time? I have no idea!

Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
Bette Davis

I am praying relief will come and that Bette Davis is wrong. Surely pain like this cannot last a lifetime. I am trying to not give up on the idea that some semblance of normal might return to my life, where I don’t have to feel like I need to take a sword to fight the darkness with every bit of strength I have, to get to even a ray of light to walk towards.

I am hoping I wake up from this nightmare one day and find peace instead.

Isn’t it Amazing How Time Gets Filled?

Given the break from my boyfriend, I thought I’d be bored, depressed and little else for a while.

It has been over two weeks since my boyfriend and I decided to take a breather from our relationship. It has been brutal, sad, frustrating and all the tumultuous emotions you would expect in this situation. I have been in the grips of depression quite often, but one thing I haven’t been is bored.

I put a lot of time and energy into my relationship, despite the fact that we had a long-distance situation and were not actually together all that often. And because of this, I assumed that without my love in my life like usual, I would have a lot more time on my hands. I was actually terrified of that.

When I am left to my thoughts, it gets tough really quickly. My brain is a dark place right now. Not much makes sense, I’m struggling to figure out what I’m doing and what I want in life, and I often feel completely alone and overwhelmed with this loss. Just the other day, I had to leave a store in the middle of shopping because a song that came on the radio made me think of my love and I couldn’t contain the tears.

But, despite how awful this has been, immediately after we decided on this break, a couple of things happened that have kept me going and have kept me occupied.

Friends and family came out of the woodworks.
For some time now, I have struggled with the loss of community. For one reason or another, I have lost people over and over through the last bunch of years. Leaving the church, coming out as polyamorous, and the separation between my husband and I, have been the latest events to split me from many of my family and friends. I have developed relationships with new people in the context of my poly relationship, but my daily reality has remained a bit lonely.
I was terrified that this break would cut me off from more people, but the opposite has happened. My friends have reached out and have worked hard to keep me busy, entertained, and supported. And funny enough, some didn’t even know what had happened. They just randomly reached out at the perfect time and reminded me that I am not alone. It’s almost like the universe is looking out for me!
I have also reconnected with some family members I have not seen in years. That has been unexpected and amazing as well.
In the last two weeks, I’ve done winery tours, had a dinner hangout at a cool new local brewery, gone to a family party, hosted a birthday party, spent the weekend at my friend’s cabin, had a beach hang with my bestie, and have enjoyed a few coffee and drink dates with various people. This is a lot busier than my normal social calendar! And it has been full of good conversation, some fun, and much-needed distraction, and I’ve even met a few new people in the middle of it all.

I’m trying to start a new business.
In the last two weeks, I have jumped on some ideas I’ve had simmering for a while. I bought a camper, I am fixing it up, I am clearing a place on my property for it (with the help of my kids), and I hope to have a little Airbnb going in the next few weeks.
I have been mulling over this idea for ages. My dream was to build a little cabin, but I do not have money for that right now, nor do I have someone who has time to build that for me. So I decided to go with an interim solution instead of doing nothing.
It is crazy how busy I have been getting this idea together. I love making spaces homey. This is an old camper and I knew it would be a challenge, but so far everyone who has looked at it, finds the space very inviting. I am throwing myself into this, and I am hoping in time this is a way for me to make some money and might also be a venue for meeting interesting people since my lifestyle does not take me into the world all too often.

Every time some major event has occurred in my life, I have been in awe at how the clock keeps on ticking and life keeps on moving. Some moments this is hard, I want things to stop, and I would love to be able to rest and take a break from it all. Because, frankly, some of the things that are keeping me busy are also rather unpleasant.

I am moving towards legal separation from my husband, we have a ton of winter prep to do on our off-grid property, there are money issues, meetings with bookkeepers and accountants, and then there is all the processing I am trying to do regarding my relationship. This break from my love also means homework. I need to get ok with myself and being by myself. I need to decrease my stress levels. I have some healing to do from past traumas. And I really need to decide if I can live the polyamorous life or not long term, no matter how much I love my boyfriend.

But today, as I reflect on the last couple of weeks, I am mostly grateful that life keeps moving forward. I am tired, but I also need to push myself toward living the life that I want to live. And the only way to do that is to LIVE.

I’m still heartbroken and want nothing more than to run to my love, throw myself in his arms, and make all the challenges disappear. But since I know that is totally unrealistic, instead, I am saying yes to people, invitations and ideas. And I’m giving it my best shot, even if I keep shedding tears in between it all.

Focusing On Gratitude

If I don’t, I will keep spiralling downhill.

I feel like I’m being weighed down by a load of bricks at the moment. When I’m not feeling like that, it’s often more like I’m drowning and can’t find my way to the surface to catch a breath. I’ve been feeling some of these things off and on for a long time now. Life has been challenging to say the least. But now, on top of the rest, I am mourning the loss of a relationship.

My love and I decided to take a break because I needed room to decompress from the stress I’ve been under, and the polyamorous lifestyle has been too much for me. This was a mutual decision, but it was not one either of us wanted to make. Something had to give, and this was the only thing we could control at the moment.

It has been over a week now, and there are moments when I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel. But there are far more moments where I am encompassed by sadness. We have left the door open to each other if things change down the road. But for right now, our romantic relationship is on hold.

In order to combat this grief, I am trying, with all my might, to focus on gratitude. I have lost much, but I still have more than many. As I sort out my myriad of feelings, this is where I try to come back to when nothing else makes sense.

I thought I’d share a few of these things with you all today…

I have the two most amazing sons in the entire world. They love me, they support me, they hug me through my endless tears, they put up with my ongoing processing, they physically help keep our home and property functioning, and they love me with abandon. And at this point in time, they are working hard to help me move forward and forage new dreams. These humans are not only my son’s, but they are friends, and I am incredibly grateful to be able to do life as closely with them as I do.
I have a roof over my head, and it’s a pretty great one. I live in an off-grid log cabin on a small acreage, and it is beautiful and full of warm, homey energy. I love this space, it is my sanctuary, and I love that it is a gathering place and refuge for so many.
I have a few amazing and endlessly supportive friends. My one friend especially has been with me, tirelessly, as I’ve ridden the waves of the past few weeks (and years). She has spent as much time with me as schedules have allowed. I have cried on her shoulder, I have debated my life non-stop with her, we exchange long meaningful texts every day when we can’t be together, and she has let me unequivocally know that I am loved and not alone. The patience this woman has for me and my drama seems to be endless, and I am beyond grateful! I’m honestly not sure where I would be without her.
The parents of my love have reached out several times over this last week, letting me know they do not want to lose me in their lives, no matter what happens between me and their son. They love me and appreciate me and will always be here for me if I need them. These people have always been lovely to me and have treated me like a daughter-in-law from day 1, and this week they proved themselves again, and it has been an unexpected gift.
I have reconnected with a few members of my extended family who are being supportive despite my alternative lifestyle. This has not been the case with most of my family since I came out as poly a couple of years ago. So this has been a huge and unexpected blessing to me. People who want to know the real me, with no pretense, are exactly why I chose to come out. But it has put distance between me and most of my people. This is uncharted territory, and I am a little gun shy, but I am trying to trust and lean into this because I could use all the support and community I can get right now.
My love has not stopped loving me. Our relationship is in turmoil and a future together is very uncertain, but throughout this last week, my love has not deserted me either. We have boundaries in place, and we know we need time without distraction from each other. But we have continued to love each other, and care for each other in the best way we can in our circumstances. There is no ugliness whatsoever. Our strength in vulnerability continues to serve us.
We still seek to understand each other and above all else, we have made sure the other knows they will always be loved, and they are not forgotten, no matter how our relationship looks. This likely looks unconventional to most, and I’m not sure how we will forge our future apart, but we are taking it day by day and at this point, it doesn’t make it easier necessarily, but knowing the other person is feeling the same kind of pain you are also makes me feel less alone in it.
Last but not least, I am grateful for Medium and for all of you! This platform has provided an unexpected source of community for me. I am in awe of how many people have taken the time to engage with me and offer their support and encouragement as I plod along in my tumultuous journey. Thank you to each one of you who reads, comments, encourages, offers advice or a unique perspective, and supports me! It means more than I can ever express!

This list is not exhaustive by any means, but these are a few of the things that struck me in a new way and got me through the last little while. Life is hard, and I am tired of how hard it has been. I would love a rest, but not all of that is up to me. Life keeps on, whether I am ready or not. But gratitude is my choice to focus on and practice every day or not.

Today, I choose gratitude!

Empathy — A Blessing Or A Curse?

It feels like a curse this week.

In a nutshell, this is the definition of empathy…

The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences. Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/empathy/definition)

I have always had strong empathic abilities. It most often comes in the form of negative emotions, but is not always confined to that. Even as a young child, I often felt overwhelmed with the emotions of people around me, like when my parents were struggling financially and fighting a lot. My empathy sometimes comes in the form of dreams, where I know and understand someone’s experience before I have talked to or seen them physically. People close to me have often called me a witch in the sweetest sense of the word 🙂

This “gift” has always been a blessing and a curse for me.

It is a blessing because I can put myself in other people’s shoes. This makes me an understanding and patient listener. I also don’t easily jump to judgment in any situation because I tend to see every side of the story. All throughout childhood and my teenage years, I made friends with misfit types no one would be friends with. I felt their loneliness and could not ignore that feeling. I was never popular, but I did usually have an interesting assortment of friends because this part of me couldn’t leave a suffering human alone.

I feel like this trait makes me a kinder and more forgiving human. It can make me a good friend, mother, partner, and lover because knowing, and more so feeling other people’s feelings, makes you often put others needs ahead of your own. I am by no means always this selfless, but if I let this gift work for me, it can be a positive force.

When I let empathy take over what I want and need, this is where the curse comes in.

I am a people pleaser as it is. I strive for peace and harmony in my surroundings. And when you couple those qualities with empathy, I can easily get run over by other’s thoughts, needs and emotions. Refer back to my walking on eggshells article for that side of things.

Sometimes I simply get overwhelmed by other’s emotions to the point where I cannot separate them out from my own. The polyamorous lifestyle has been very hard on me in this regard. I have been dealing with a lot of my own drama in the last few years, which has been a major cause of stress and anxiety. But those in my polycule have also been through the wringer in many ways, and this doubles my negative emotions and makes me have a tough time sinking into joy and pleasure even when they are right in front of me (part of the reason I’m working on mindfulness).

Here is one example from this past winter… I was spending a lot of time on the road with my boyfriend as he was hauling hay. I had the time and flexibility to join him several times a month for a few months. And it was great in that we had time together, and it didn’t actually take from anyone else, because he would have been on the road no matter what.

But things started getting tough for his wife, who was left at home. She was left with the ranch chores and is homeschooling their kids and has a job that keeps her busy enough to not be able to join him on these kinds of trips very often. Her resentment of his situation started creeping onto me. She wasn’t upset with me. She understood no one was doing anything wrong. But she was having a hard time with the fact that I seemed to be getting more quality time with her husband than she was, and she was left with the less pleasant jobs at home. And I felt her pain. Keenly! And I had a hard time knowing what to do.

I knew I was doing nothing wrong, and yet I felt like I was. When I push down my empathy, I feel guilty and like a part of me is missing. I have done this in other poly situations, and it tends to backfire. And yet, when I let it surface, it can rob my present joy. It is a true conundrum!

My boyfriend ended up spending a lot of time taking care of his other partners while he was on the road with me to keep everyone appeased. And this in turn took a toll on our quality time despite the fact that we were physically together. And yet, I understood how the others in his life were feeling. They needed him.

I experienced overwhelming empathy for his wife, who is always left at home to pick up the pieces. That was my role with my husband too, so I get it. And I felt how my boyfriend was torn and trying to take care of everyone, but knowing he could only do so much.

There were feelings everywhere! And I felt them all from all sides, and I was left unsure about my own in the mix. And more importantly, I was unsure if I should take action on my feelings in light of everyone else’s. As a result, I didn’t ask for what I needed until later than I should have. It is a balancing act, and I did not balance it well.

This is what I do. I feel all things. So I justify everyone’s actions because of that. And I often end up getting pushed aside or run over in the process, mostly because I don’t advocate for myself.

And can I just say, the dreams or feelings I have before I should know anything is happening is seriously quite awful! That part might be worth another article down the road. It’s more like having the second sight (“the supposed ability to perceive future or distant events,” Oxford Dictionary), which might be a whole other “gift” apart from empathy.

A week ago, I had a husband and a boyfriend. This week I no longer have a boyfriend and my husband has, very much out of the blue, asked that we proceed with ending our marriage legally. It has been a doozy of a week, and I am trying to stay afloat and figure out my wants and needs in the middle of all the other thoughts and feelings floating around out there.

I am trying very hard to find the balance. My empathy can be a gift and can make me a better human, but if I let it take over me, it quickly becomes a curse in the overwhelm it can cause. It takes energy and much reflection and some mental gymnastics to weed through it all to get to the bottom of what I need to take away or act on in any given situation.

As in all things, I am a work in process!

The Curse of My Broken Heart

The pain feels like too much to bear

It’s hard to grasp how we got here
When our love was so real
We tried and we failed
My heart is sick
It hurts to think
This cannot be my reality!

You were my waking dream
And now being awake feels like a curse
All I want to do is forget
Forget you were everything to me
Forget you encompassed all of my tomorrows

Every memory feels like another piece of my heart is breaking
And the reminders are everywhere
A song, a scent, a sight, a taste
In an instant, the bliss we shared has turned into a curse that won’t let me rest

The tears won’t stop
The anger is bubbling
The despair is catching me and threatening to engulf me

The nightmares are perpetual
And even when sleep provides a respite
Consciousness returns all too quickly upon waking

Before I’m even fully awake and ready for my minds fight
I feel the battle has begun
Nothing has prepared me
And I quickly feel beaten down

I cannot fathom the fact that your body will never again envelope mine
That we will never again be one in our ecstasy
My body is cold and empty without you

I don’t want to be here without you
I’m too tired to keep standing
Alone

When will this curse end?
Was love for a time worth this kind of loss?
Was it worth this kind of agonizing pain?

My ache, my need, and my desire for you will continue throughout eternity, though my mind on this plain may forget in time

You have left your mark on my soul forever

My heart is broken.

Apparently When You Play With Fire, Eventually You Get Burned

The flames caught up to me this week.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Alternatively, I’ve been running from or towards the fire of my relationship for many years now. On the one hand, I’m running towards the parts that are amazing and sparky in a good way. And on the other hand, I have been running from the stuff that hurts to the touch.

At this point in my journey on Medium, many of you are aware of my tumultuous journey with polyamory. This lifestyle has never fit me well, but I found a man I love deeply. So many things worked with him. We both felt this kinship from the second we met. And as odd as it may sound, I felt this connection as soon as I saw his online profile picture. This feeling kept growing as we went from friendship to romantic partnership.

We felt it, we cultivated more, and we both wanted each other because what worked was amazing. But there were pieces that never fit. And this week, we finally made a decision to step back from each other and give each other space. I need time alone to process this relationship and all the other things that have unfolded in my life in the last few years. It has been tumultuous to say the least, and I know I need a break to heal.

In my processing of this relationship, there are some pieces I am thinking through regarding, both what has worked, and what has not. I want to learn and grow and figure out what I want long-term and what works for me. And I do not know if polyamory will be part of that or not yet. Here is what I have so far…

What worked?

Friendship — We took the time to become friends and really get to know each other before we moved towards a romantic relationship. We communicated frequently and on a deep level from day one.
Emotion — In the context of friendship first, we got comfortable sharing emotion with each other. We were good at portraying and understanding that part of ourselves. We never needed to hold back, whether good or bad or anything in between.
Vulnerability — Our foundation was strong through friendship and honest exchange of emotions, and we found this led naturally to ease of vulnerability between us. We could be exactly who we were with each other, even if it was messy. We were always a safe space for each other.
Sex — Our sex life was amazing from the very beginning. When we finally let ourselves touch each other and do more than a friendly hug, it was electric. Our chemistry was something that was present immediately and continued to grow over time as we got to know each other and our likes and dislikes.
There were more and more sparks over time instead of less, as what often happens. We were together for over 6 years and my heart still leaps when I see him, and I ache for this man continuously.
The other part that factored into sexual success for us was that we were always playful. Sex was a long-drawn-out activity for us that was about being close to each other and was never goal oriented. We just loved to play and engage and experience each other, and it was beautiful and easy and very fulfilling.
Kink — I wouldn’t say I was totally vanilla before being with my boyfriend, but our chemistry and vulnerability led us to start experimenting and pushing our comfort zones very quickly. We developed all kinds of kinky dynamics between us that were fed by our desire and openness with each other. I have said this before, but we often felt like we were each other’s kink, and the rest developed because of that. It was so freeing to be able to play in a safe environment where everything was on the table and a yes or no was always an option.
Families — From day one, our families got along well. He developed a friendship with my husband and with my kids. And I had and still have a very close friendship with his wife, and his kids feel like they are partly my own. Our kids are like siblings or cousins with each other as well. Everyone enjoys being together, and it has been easy, and it has been a gift I never expected. Even his parents accepted me as another daughter-in-law and have been a huge support and presence in my life.

What didn’t work?

Polyamory — The poly lifestyle was always hard for me. From day one, it never quite felt like a perfect fit for me. I acknowledge there were many reasons that may have nothing to do with poly that factor into this. But the bottom line is that I had trouble settling into what this lifestyle offered me. I always felt short-changed by it instead of abundant, which is how people describe it when it is their thing.
Long Distance — The long distant relationship felt frustrating much of the time. I was always in a state of missing my love and wanting more than what was available to me. Yes, I believe it was a factor in why our dynamic was so electric, but I think the distance was a source of constant exhaustion for me.
The constant need to plan — This factors into our distance. We always had to work hard to make plans and communicate and rearrange life to be together. I found this CONSTANTLY stressful. On top of that, my boyfriend is not a planner, and his ranching lifestyle consistently throws wrenches into making plans, so this stress fell more so on me than on him. It was frustrating and tiring because it never got easier.
Our future pictures — In the end, this one really matters more than most other things. I would have been happy with just him as my romantic partner forever. And I would have continued to sacrifice my sanity around the logistical annoyances if the rest was in place. I was even ok navigating around current partners. This caused enough stress for me as it was, but I honoured and respected the other commitments he made and would never have asked him to change those for me.
But he wanted to do more with non monogamy, and wanted it sooner than the vague timeline I couldn’t give him. He wanted a life that was always open to whomever appeared, and he wanted to be able to follow through on those connections, whether they were in friendship or otherwise.
On a logical level, I understand this. He made a very conscious choice to go away from monogamy in any sense of the word, and never wants to go back to it. But I could not handle his desires at this point in my journey, and this is ultimately why we decided to part ways for now. We could not change who we were, just because we loved each other deeply. And trying to make us fit was causing too much stress.

I’m sad, I’m frustrated, a bit angry, and totally exhausted. As I continue on this life journey, this is the sentiment I need to embrace for a time…

Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Bianca Sparacino

Don’t Walk on Eggshells

They will end up breaking eventually anyway.

In a nutshell (or should I say eggshell?) this is a fundamental problem of mine. Without meaning to and even knowing this is unhealthy, I inevitably find myself engaged in this kind of behaviour with someone in my life.

As many stories begin, this one all started with my mother. She is a fierce domineering independent type of person, and she is like that for a reason. She had a very hard life and had to fight her way through everything. It has served her well in many ways, but it also makes it very hard to be vulnerable and open around her, especially if there is a chance she won’t like whatever it is you need to share.

This was my reality as a child, and as a result, I grew up to be a people pleaser. I was an easy child and teenager to live with because I never wanted to cause a stir. If there was a stir for any reason, even apart from me, I would either avoid being around it if that was an option, or I would work to help find a middle ground for those involved. Anything to quiet the situation.

So of course, I learned to walk on eggshells growing up in the middle of this. It was easier than confrontation. I tried a wee bit of confrontation, and it did not go well. I would get shut down, yelled at or punished in some way. I hated those things, so I generally just didn’t bother.

Opinions were not valued in my home. Or at least different ones were not. If there were no consequences, we engaged in plenty of lively debates and conversations. I always felt like I had a good relationship with my parents, but that is because I was very good at keeping the peace. When I came out as polyamorous 2 years ago, my relationship with my mom went out the window. I stopped keeping the peace, and now I’m paying for that.

Fast-forward from living with my parents to getting married, which was not long. My husband was also a domineering type of personality (and an ENTP to be specific). I felt like this quality was not an issue between us for a few years. And again, I saw how it served him well to be bold and aggressive and outgoing. So I admired that. And I had no problem holding my own with him quite well for a long time.

But when other issues came between us, I started returning to old habits. Confrontation with him was painful and felt like it did not get us anywhere. He was always assuming he was right anyway, and I ended up caving more often than not and trying to make amends for us both after a fight and restoring the peace by going towards him and what he needed, instead of us meeting halfway. This was my pattern until he pushed me too far, and I finally put an end to it. I stopped walking on eggshells and stood up for myself, but I also lost my husband as my life partner in the process.

This brings us to the present with my current, likely most domineering force I have ever met, also ENTP, boyfriend. Apparently, I have a type. He takes aggression and dominance to a whole new level and is not someone you want to get on the wrong side of. Thankfully, I have always seen through that part to his soft inner core. He loves that I got that part of him immediately and that I saw him as the good guy he actually is, when few in his life had at that point. He can have a kindness and gentleness about him, and he loves fiercely, loyally and with abandon. This is the part of him he showed me, and it’s only in knowing him for a while now (almost 8 years), and knowing his history and others he is associated with, that I found out his other side is also very strong and a true part of who he is.

Of course, as happens in all relationships, eventually problems surface. And this is where I once again fell into my old ways. Again, I tried not to cave to him, and I didn’t at first. But confrontation is so very hard between a personality like his and the people pleaser, peaceful person I generally am. So I started walking on eggshells again. Only here and there. But it was more than I should have done. And it got worse over time.

And now we are at a major crossroads. The eggshells are all broken, and we are trying to see if there are pieces big enough to salvage. I can’t help but wonder if I had been louder and less careful with those eggshells several years ago, would we be here now? I’m frustrated that I think I keep learning this lesson and yet inevitably, I cave to a stronger opinion and then am careful not to disturb our delicate balance.

I did better with him than I did with my husband. So maybe I am learning. But it is ever so slow! What I do know is that I need to be kinder to myself first. I need to be better at putting myself first. I want to love fully, deeply, and with abandon. And I am good at sacrifice and compromise. But I know I cannot do that anymore if that sentiment is not returned in a similar measure.

Time will tell if I’ve got this lesson down or not… Oh, and my best friend has been instructed to not let me date ENTP types anymore 🙂