How Do You Know If Love is Enough?

The love is real, and it is deep, but I’m struggling.

I know it’s nice to be able to answer the questions you pose in a title. But the honest truth is that I don’t have a clue. But I sure know I want love to be enough! When I saw this quote recently, it very much resonated…

I may not get to see you as often as I like.
I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night.
But deep in my heart I truly know, you’re the one that I love, and I can’t let you go. (Unknown author)

I have been with my love for over 6 years now. We were friends first. We connected deeply. And our evolution from friendship to romantic connection was beautiful and intense. We have been able to do vulnerability because our foundation was strong, it was built on trust, and we got each other in ways others never have.

Our chemistry is outrageous, and we constantly hunger for each other. And the honest truth is that our physical and sexual connection has likely made us glaze over problems which have slowly arisen over time. You don’t even realize it’s happening. But one conversation gets missed. Then another stops because it was getting uncomfortable and there was no time to sort it out. Soon you both know you have sensitivities about certain topics, and you try to delve into them, but you don’t try hard enough because the honest truth is that it’s easier not to.

When you only see someone a couple of times a month for a night or two, hard conversations are not high on the agenda. When we finally come together (pun intended:), we want to sink into each other physically. The build-up is huge every time, and all we can think about is getting alone and having access to each other asap and as many times as possible before we part. Talking about our struggles rarely goes well in the middle of that.

When we are apart we communicate of course, but again, texts left unanswered, bad phone connections, and long emails that take hours to write and a month to answer are the norm for us and end up not being terribly productive either. Miscommunication starts to build until you are like ships passing in the night yelling at each other in a different language.

This is where I find myself now.

My love and I are at a critical juncture. We feel as deeply for each other as we ever have. We want each other, and it’s impossible to imagine life without the other. And yet, there are big unresolved issues sitting there. And they feel incredibly heavy right now.

Every time I think I’ve said something and been heard and understood, I find out it’s not true and something entirely unexpected to me has happened that goes directly against what I thought was an understanding. And the crazy thing is, he is feeling the same way! How does this happen over and over?

At this point, I cannot say for sure if we are going to make it, or even if we should make it. And it hurts my heart to even type that out. We are trying, and we have plans to get together to talk in person soon because we are both seeing how we have no other choice but to tackle this head-on at this point. Perhaps we will find a compromise, but I don’t know that. And at what point do we all reach our lines in the sand? How much will we tolerate or give up for each other?

I have given up much for this man and because this man is in my life. And it’s hard to let go of the idea of being together, even simply because of that. The bigger the sacrifice and investment, the harder you want to hang on. It’s far from perfect, but we have built our world together, our families are each other’s families, and we are invested in each other and in each other’s futures. We care, we love, we respect, and we want each other. Forever if possible.

I love this quote, and it is what I’m striving for…

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke

But… will we get there? Can he give up what he wants for the sake of my peace of mind and health for a time? Can I give up what I need for his happiness? Is there a middle ground to be found? Is there work we can both do today to change our tomorrows? The unanswered questions feel endless and overwhelming right now.

But we do know and agree on one thing. We love each other too much to make each other suffer. We do not want to end up resenting our relationship or each other. So no matter where the road takes us, love is how we will proceed.

You know it’s love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you’re not part of their happiness.
— Julia Roberts

I’m Sinking Myself Into Mindfulness

Funny how when I need it most, I can’t manage worth a damn.

I’m currently working my way through a two-week mindfulness program in effort to corral my reactionary thoughts. My stress level has been through the roof for far too long, and I’m at the point where I can’t handle anything that may cause my brain spinout to begin.

I’m beyond logic at this point, and I am trying very hard to get back to the basics and control my reaction. Negativity and stress (even if it’s only our perception of stress) will always be part of life. So all I can do is work on gathering relevant information, learning the how’s and why’s, and ultimately using some tools to navigate the rough patches.

I came across this quote the other day and this is my goal…

emotional maturity is not about being above your emotions and no longer having mental turbulence, it is about being able to sit with the rawness of every feeling without letting them take over your mind and actions. you can face storms more skilfully without getting blown away. yung pueblo

But that is still not yet my reality.

For those of you who are wondering, and I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I am more polysaturated this week than last week. My efforts to take a break and let myself rest are not working. The world around me is not cooperating. I feel like I’m drowning most days, but I am still trying. Mindfulness is one of those ways I am attempting to get a handle on myself and is one of those ever-useful tools and is a skill I am currently trying to hone until it is simply a way of life for me.

What is mindfulness anyway?

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. (mindful.org)

Seems simple enough, doesn’t it? And yet, when you really pay attention to how you are living, thinking and behaving, many of us realize mindfulness is far away from our current experience much of the time. We are always focused on that next thing or worried about what might happen if, instead of standing still and being right where we are.

With much upheaval in my life over the past 10 years or so, this is a practice (along with meditation) I have worked on more and more. I have gotten better in my day-to-day. I slow down, and I enjoy what is in front of me much more than I used to.

Partly, this is a function of my life circumstances. I’m not running around like a mad woman with little kids these days. I have more time for myself and can stay in my present for longer periods of time without anyone asking for a snack. There is no doubt it’s a strange transition going from being needed constantly to being needed much more rarely. But it is one of the changes that has helped me hone my mindfulness skills.

The other thing that is totally different for me since my boyfriend appeared on the scene, is that I am generally mindful and present when I am with him. This is not something I was good at with my husband, and I’m sorry I didn’t understand that sooner in my life. I’ve talked about this before as well. But I believe this difference with my boyfriend is a function of a few things.

We are in a long-distance relationship, so we do not do the daily grind together.
I get limited time with him and am viscerally aware that every second counts when we are together.
He seems to have the ability to take me out of my head like no lover before him. I lose time with him, and my personality does not lose time! I sink into him and do not give a thought to anything other than my love in front of me.

The pause I experience because of this man has been a gift that has been a very positive force in my life. I let myself fully embrace and enjoy my present.

Being mindful is a good way to live. It should be the way to live. We miss so much of what is right in front of us if we are always thinking ahead and worrying about tomorrow.

I know this, but sadly, I am having trouble having this mindfulness success translate into something that works in the height of stress. And this is when I really need it.

Every day in my program, they give you an exercise to work on. One of the techniques I am working on is this…when you hear some unfavourable news or some kind of stress starts to threaten, stop and use all of your senses to get grounded in the present and reset your mind before it goes to a dark reactionary place. This is how I execute it…

find a comfortable place to sit or lie down
close your eyes
identify 4 things you can hear
identify 4 things you can feel or touch
identify 4 things you can smell
open your eyes
identify 4 things you can see
stay in that place and just be and repeat if needed

You can also identify 4 things you can taste, but I have found this to be somewhat ineffective unless I’m eating. But when you are eating, it is fantastic to slow down and think about the taste and smell and textures of food. Mindfulness makes every life experience richer.

There are many such practices you can work on. But as I need to remind myself, they are practices. Some days they work and some days my brain keeps spinning. But I believe the effort is worthwhile. I want to be able to live in my present and enjoy what it has to offer me, without always jumping to what hasn’t happened yet and reformulating possible outcomes and missing out on my present because of that.

Baby steps right?

Online Dating is Truly Odd in How it Works For Women!

It’s not my favourite way to meet people, but it is definitely easier to be a woman in the online dating scene!

I have been off and on a few online dating apps since my husband and I opened up our marriage about 8 years ago. That seems to be the normal route to go when you make a decision like that because it’s not a lifestyle choice that is easy to advertise to regular society.

Over the years, I have tried Okcupid (OKC), Tinder, Fetlife and maybe another I forgot about. They are all very different platforms and have changed over time. To be fair, I’m not sure Fetlife is even a dating app as much as it is a social networking platform for like-minded individuals and groups who don’t fit in anywhere else. And at this point, I believe it’s only Fetlife that looks about the same as when I first got on that site. But despite their differences, my experience has been very similar across platforms and frankly rather simple to date.

From the stories I hear from the men in my life (non-monogamous or not), nothing about online dating is simple. They have to work hard at digging through the throngs of options, seeking out attention and finally connection, hopefully. Of course, this is not always the case, but generally speaking from what I have anecdotally heard, men need to put up their profiles, then go on the hunt, engage with people over and over, and hope to get some person to reciprocate once they reach out. This may or may not take a ton of time. It sounds like a lot of work to me.

But I, as a woman, only need to put up some kind of profile and wait. Thus far, I have never had to reach out to anyone first. I could have, of course, and it might serve me well to do a bit of my own digging and find out who is really out there. But the point right now is that I have not needed to. And frankly, that works for me.

I’m lazy. I hate scanning and spending time, often mindlessly, looking around if I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for on any part of the internet. It feels like a waste of time to me. And when I do spend time checking out those sites, they overwhelm me quickly.

I also got frustrated with platforms like OKC when they changed, and I had to put effort in to swipe to get a connection going. I much preferred doing nothing. And I know that sounds kind of terrible 🙂 But once that change happened, I did the minimum for a while, made a few friends, and then quit again. I wasn’t really attached to the concept of finding someone significant anyway at the time.

This week, I opened that online connection door again for the first time in about three years. I tried to go on OKC but apparently, things have changed so much, that my profile is actually gone, and I will have to start over completely. I have yet to bother with that. But I did revisit my Fetlife account.

This has been the same account for as long as I’ve had it. I had a bit of info on it, but did not ever even have a picture of myself. It was a terrible, somewhat generic, mostly uninformative profile. On top of that, I have never been present consistently and inevitably, after a few weeks of trying to engage, I go years between visits. And yet, I regularly receive messages on there somehow. It is truly bizarre!

This past week, I answered a message that was sent to me 6 months ago. It was someone I had talked to before, I felt badly at how I dropped that connection, and he immediately got back to me, and we started up a good conversation. I guess activity shows up somehow in their algorithms, because within a day I had three other people message me. I then added an actual picture and got several more queries within a day of that. And now I have someone new messaging every day.

It is seriously the strangest thing to be a part of. It’s like some big social experiment! And why, in this day and age, does this kind of apathy on my part, still work? Why is the experience between men and women so different? Why can I sit back and offer almost nothing to a platform, and yet have people engage regularly? Once people message me, I am a decent conversationalist, try to be honest, engaging and curious. But before that, I offer almost nothing.

There is very little about this process that appeals to me. I would much prefer to meet people in person. But with my polyamorous relationship status, the pickings are slim as it is. And meeting people organically is very hard when you don’t get out into the world much. And even if you do, explaining your complicated marriage and boyfriend arrangements gets daunting and causes most people to run away as far as wanting to engage romantically.

So if I want to move forward in finding something other than what I currently have, I need to at least try. Or be present and hopefully something wonderful will appear!

I’m considering trying another site. Does anyone have suggestions for a favourite place to meet people?

I Am Polysaturated

But it’s not in the way you might think.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

For starters, the way people in the world of polyamory usually use this word according to psychologytoday.com is this…

Polysaturated is a word that people in polyamorous relationships created to describe the phenomena of CNM folks having enough relationships. When people are polysaturated, they have as many relationships as they can handle and they do not have the time or emotional energy for another partner.Feb 25, 2021

I definitely do not have too many relationships. If anything, I might be a little low on relationships, especially in comparison to the world of poly. I still have one husband who is no longer a romantic partner and lives in another city with his girlfriend, and one boyfriend with whom I am long-term committed and romantically engaged who lives with his wife in a different city. So the way I’m using the term today is that I am literally feeling saturated by the topic of polyamory. It is somewhat akin to feeling like I’m drowning and overwhelmed by all things polyamory.

I’m tired of talking about it.
My boyfriend and I have been in ongoing discussions for months now. To be clear, it’s sporadic communication, meaning every month or two, something comes up, or we revisit a loaded conversation. But it is ongoing in that we have yet to resolve anything. We need to talk about this stuff, but we both find it exhausting because we are on opposite sides of our feelings. Completely. And we frankly have a lot more fun when we aren’t talking! But this stuff is also not going away. So despite the fact that inevitably, he gets impatient, and I start crying, and we both feel frustrated, we are trying to keep talking in an attempt to make headway.

I am essentially the one with the problem as far as not wanting to move forward and make changes. So I have committed to working on things on my end. I have been through some stuff in the last 8 or more years, and I have found that I cannot seem to catch up to my feelings. There has been no break as far as feeling like things keep happening to me. And I just want all change to stop. For a while. And that is really hard on a personality like that of my boyfriend. Those ENTPs like to keep moving and walking around every new corner.

Despite the fact that we feel like we are getting nowhere fast, and the discussions seem futile more than productive, he is trying to slow things down because he cares about me and our relationship. So I am researching, writing, reading, talking, and trying to do whatever might help to get over some of my trauma and figure out who I am and what I want my future to look like.

I have one friend in particular who is also at the brunt of much talking about this topic. She has been so patient for so very long, and it can be very helpful to say some of these thoughts out loud to help process differently and gain an outsider’s perspective. My boyfriend and I are both very emotionally invested, so talking through this stuff with someone who isn’t, and yet, always has my back, can be such a gift. But even I get tired of hearing myself talk because when we are together, I do a lot of it!

I’m tired of reading about it.
In my quest to keep learning and figuring out my issues and hurdles, I am doing a lot of reading. I’m reading books and articles, listening to books and podcasts, and I’m reading a ton of stuff on this platform. I must say, Medium has actually been one of the most helpful resources I’ve found because I can connect with people and their stories and gain perspectives other than my own. It is truly a wonderful resource and I have found it helpful.

But I’m tired of the topic all the same. After a while, I start feeling overwhelmed, which makes me turn inward and cancels out any new perspectives I’ve gained. The process of trying to engage and learn and grow can actually backfire. At that point, I find I need to stop. On the days I feel this way, I look for articles about history or how to make money and things that are totally unrelated to polyamory and relationships in general. I essentially try to hit the reset button by letting my brain go elsewhere for a while.

I’m tired of writing about it.
For those of you who follow me regularly, you may notice I write mostly about poly and relationships and then suddenly I’ll throw in something totally different like poetry or erotic stories or reviews on current events or other things I might be engaged in that week, like wine tastings. Writing absolutely is one of the most cathartic things I do for myself. It always has been. My entire life I have always journaled or written poetry, stories or letters to people in my life. Writing is a way for me to sort out what is actually going on in my brain.

But again, I get very tired of processing or trying to process the big topics that are blocking me, and I get overwhelmed by the loop I often find myself in, and I need to stop. I don’t need to stop writing, but I need to find something different to write about. My other forms and topics of writing serve as a brain break for me, and it helps stop the monkey spiral that starts to occur when I am polysaturated, so that I can eventually go back to the topic I need to keep processing.

So this past week has been a poly break for me as far as writing, and I’m hoping by next week I can go back to delving into things I need to get back to.

There are many days, especially in the last few weeks again, where I am finding polyamory to be overwhelming. I know I get like this when I am trying to push past fear or discomfort, so what I am trying to do is stay more balanced. I take breaks, but I am not burying my head in the sand either. I owe it to myself and to my relationship to put in the work and hope one day I’ll be on the other side of at least some of this stuff.

This week I am polysaturated, but next week I’ll try and get back to digging and, very likely, you will all be the first to know when I do!

Drinking Games Can Be the Life of the Party!

Now that I’m middle-aged, I’m finally learning to have some fun with drinking games!

The wonderful thing about having kids (well, one of them) is that they grow up and get cool friends of their own, and before you know it, you are in your mid-forties playing drinking games with a bunch of 20-something-year-olds 🙂 This is where I often find myself on the weekends because most of this frivolity occurs in my home.

As I keep learning new games, I am finding that some are better than others depending on the situation, how many people are around, how much space there is, how much alcohol has been consumed to that point, and the like.

Following are the descriptions and some pros and cons of each game we have played around here, from my perspective as well as some opinions from my fellow party participants:

Beer Pong
This is a classic and is one I am quite good at if not too much alcohol has been consumed at this point. It takes skill.

Beer pong, also known as Beirut, is a drinking game in which players throw a ping pong ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in a cup of beer on the other end. The game typically consists of opposing teams of two or more players per side with 6 or 10 cups set up in a triangle formation on each side. Wikipedia

This one is fun if you have a big table and space around it, as it can get quite physical chasing after that ball when it inevitably goes flying! Only 4 can play at a time, so if you have an eager group, this game takes some patience to play through because it usually takes time to sink that many balls.

Shooters and Ladders
This is a game my husband and I got as a gift many years ago, so it was one of the first official drinking games I ever played. It is pretty self-explanatory and plays like the regular snakes and ladders with the alcohol twist.

All other players are obliged to consume as many shots of beer as levels the ladder climbing player rose. In the event that a player reaches the top of a chute, they must move their token to the bottom of the same chute. This player must then consume as many shots of beer as levels they have fallen.Jan 15, 2021 (DrinkiWiki)

This game only works between 2 players at a time with the one I own, so it is also an exercise in patience if there is a big group. But it takes no skill as it is a game of chance, so it’s an easy one no matter how far into the night you are.

Beer Darts
I played this game for the first time this past week, and it was a fun one!

Beerdarts (or beer darts) is a drinking game involving aluminum beer cans and metal darts. Although many variations exist, the basic idea is that players sit opposite one another with a beer can at their feet, and take turns throwing a dart at their opponent’s can. (Wikipedia)

This one works well for any sized group. We didn’t try it with more than four at a time and found that three was ideal as it made a nice triangle-shaped game. This game needs to be played outside, given the sharp darts and the fact that you are poking holes in drinks. It might be obvious, but this game gets trickier as it gets darker out, which we found out the hard way. You need to be able to see and not everyone has lights in their yards, and you also need some skills in aiming, so you don’t want to be too far into drinking for this one.

It must also be stated that given darts are involved, safety first is a priority! You don’t want to accidentally hurt your friends with roaming darts, during a night that is supposed to be fun! Given the beer is to be shotgunned if the dart hits the can, you need to be aware that the quantity of drinking can be high if you play too many rounds of this game.

Flip Cup
This game is also considered a bit of a classic and is one I only recently learned, and it was a blast!

Flip cup is a team-based drinking game where players must, in turn, drain a plastic cup of beer and then “flip” the cup so that it lands face-down on the table. If the cup falls off the table, any player can return said cup to the playing field. (Wikipedia)

This is a game that is great for a large group. Everyone can be included as long as the table is big enough. It can get loud and boisterous as the teams cheer for their own, but it is an energy-fuelling kind of game if you are looking to liven things up. You can control the amount of alcohol to some extent by not filling cups up with more than a shot-sized amount. It takes some skill to play this, so falling down drunk is not your friend here!

Bounce Shot
Our group of friends named this game, and I have not been able to find out if there is an official name and description for it. I have only played this once, and it has its pros and cons.

You can play this game solo against another person or in teams against teams. Shot-sized glasses are used along with ping pong balls. The glasses are filled before you start and when you get your ball to bounce in the cup, the other person has to take a shot. If you are playing in teams, all people have to bounce the ball into the glass before winning.

This game takes skill and I found it to be very messy because you are bouncing balls into the liquid. To get the ball out, you usually have to blow on it, which causes even more of a mess. But with the right group and a lack of care for the surface on which you are playing, it is a fun game!

Drinking games can be a total blast and can liven up any party, and they tend to easily bring people together even if they are very different or don’t know each other well. But before you start, be sure everyone has a place to stay or a safe ride home!

The other thing is to reduce, reuse and recycle. If you are using the typical solo plastic beer cups for these games, give them a wash and put them away for next time. Save the landfill and a few bucks with that small action.

But most importantly, always drink responsibly!

Authentic Community Is My Thing

No matter where I’ve been and what kind of people are in my life, one thread seems to stay consistently present — COMMUNITY — craving it, seeking it, and being in the middle of it.

I recently found a journal I assumed had burned in a fire 19 years ago. What an amazing discovery and utterly fascinating to see where I was 20 years ago compared to where I am now. The most precious entries were those recording the details of the births of my sons. I had forgotten so many things I never thought I would, and my boys were very excited to hear about it all as well.

Given about 20 years have passed, my life looks hugely different now from how it did back then. My off-grid living was much cruder than it is now. I have two toilets in my house these days! I’m nothing if not fancy, right?!

Twenty years ago, I was busy having or caring for babies. My husband was my one and only, and he was in school and working full time. And honestly, the most glaring difference between then and now (which was very much highlighted by that journal) was that I had a large community of support around me. I was a devout Christian and fully immersed in church life. My biological family and my church family were everything to me.

Now I don’t have any of that.

Through a series of events, I lost my church family.
In the process of coming out as polyamorous, I lost my biological family in many significant ways. I didn’t lose them completely, but much meaning has gone out of the few interactions we now share because my choices are not accepted in the least and I feel like I’m being shoved back in a closet when I am with them.
My babies are young men now and despite choosing to do life closely with me still, they don’t need me like they used to, and our relationship looks different now.
And last, but certainly not least, I lost my husband as my nesting partner in the last few years.

Life looks very different now. It is quieter, and I hate to admit, it’s much more lonely.

But there has been a running theme throughout my entire life no matter where I’m at. I crave and strongly believe in community. It is one of my core values. This is one of the main reasons I came out as polyamorous. I wanted to be able to be authentically me, exactly where I am at right now, even if I’m not sure about my path. I truly believed that in order to reestablish authentic community in my life, I had to start with being me.

That has not been easy.

I knew not everyone would be on board, but I did not expect to lose even more people than I already had over previous years. And I especially did not expect to lose my family because of this choice. I honestly thought they would appreciate my honesty and continue to embrace me as they always have, even if it isn’t a choice they would make. For more on that story, click here.

So I had to start again. It’s been slow-going, but I am making progress.

Some people think they are in community, but they are only in proximity. True community requires commitment and openness. It is a willingness to extend yourself to encounter and know the other.” –David Spangler

When I meet new people I don’t wait too long to tell them about the fact that I’m still married, if not living together, and that I’ve had a boyfriend for 6 years, and that yes, there was overlap there where I had 2 committed romantic partners, and yes my boyfriend is married and has other partners too. I don’t flaunt it. But I don’t work hard to hide any of that anymore. After all, I am seeking community, not just proximity.

What I have found is those who don’t care or are curious or, more rarely, even embrace the idea, become close friends quite quickly. I put myself out there and that gives people a safe space to do the same, which I find can build intimacy quickly.

I desire to know others and be known and once that happens, common ground can be found, and we can begin to do life together and be a support and all manner of what encompasses a fulfilling relationship in any form. Furthermore, I believe that being part of an authentic community is the way to make your corner of the world just a bit better. I believe people who do life together in a community tend to do a better job at living because it’s not just about themselves. They care more, are kinder, and are more helpful.

Instead of drifting along like a leaf in a river, understand who you are and how you come across to people and what kind of an impact you have on the people around you and the community around you and the world, so that when you go out, you can feel you have made a positive difference.” — Jane Fonda

So now, I am finding new ways to be part of a community…

This Medium platform is an unexpected place where I have found authentic community. I write as fully me and have found some amazing connections that have already turned into friendships. These connections are making my life a little brighter.
My boyfriend and his entire family and some of his friends have ended up being an unexpected connection to solid community and relationships. For more on that story, take a look here.
I have also set up my home as a place where community is a known core value. People who walk through my door or even simply drive onto my property know they are welcome and can come exactly as they are and be themselves. Because of this, my home is a gathering place for all ages and from very diverse backgrounds and circumstances.
Local friends who are in my physical sphere are not something I have a ton of, but as I find them, I try to make them a priority and I give those relationships my time and energy as I’m able. And that pays off over and over and very much helps keep me sane. For a fun story about a woman who brightens many of my days, check this out.

It’s not perfect, and I am definitely a homebody who has trouble making myself seek out new situations. But I’m a work in process, and as I evolve and grow, community will always be where I land in the end. I am done with simply being in proximity to people, when what I seek is something much deeper and more fulfilling.

I will keep striving to be authentically me, and hope that to some extent, community might just find me.

I’m Grateful I Live in a Country That Values Choice

Canada isn’t perfect, but as I see the chaos around the world unfold in a new way again this week, I feel like this is a pretty good place to be as a woman living life outside the norm.

All my life, even when I was a devout Christian, I valued choice. I’m not sure how I came to be like this given my upbringing, but it has been true throughout my life. I have always had my own set of values, and those have changed somewhat over time as my life has changed, and I have continued to learn and grow as a human. But despite whatever I was choosing to believe or how I was choosing to act, I always believed everyone around me had the right to their own choices, no matter how different they are from my own and apart from judgment.

Throughout my life, I have been the subject of criticism and judgment given my lifestyle choices. I get it more now than I ever have. My polyamorous lifestyle has set me apart. And even people who say they are ok with it, still don’t know what to do with it. Case and point — I was recently invited to a wedding of a close friend (they know all the detail about my polyamorous status and my married boyfriend and I) and I did NOT get a plus 1 invite to the wedding. If I was still in my traditional marriage, I’m sure my husband would have been part of that invitation. I found this odd and frustrating, especially from this seemingly accepting group of people

Choice and acceptance is always a big topic for anyone whose choices or rights have been limited or taken away, but I admit, my issues are small potatoes compared to what is happening this week south of the border.

Roe V. Wade was overturned in the United States, and it changes everything for women and having a right to choose what happens to their own bodies. And my heart aches that our seemingly “progressive” western society seems to be moving backwards instead of forwards. Nothing about this is ok, and it is baffling to me that in 2022 this is still a thing that is up for debate and that it is possible to lose that debate!

theSkimm
The end of Roe means the end of a constitutional right that, for nearly half a century, gave people agency over their bodies and reproductive choices. Already, the US has the highest maternal mortality rate of developed nations. And studies have shown that number could increase in the wake of abortion bans. While the full picture of a post-Roe world isn’t clear, there’s no debate about the health risks.

This is scary stuff and the long term ramifications may take years to realize. I have heard from more than one source this week (including here on Medium) that it feels like a war is being waged on women and women’s rights. And I cannot disagree. This issue does not directly affect my life, and yet the day I found out, I spent it raging and mourning the loss of rights that have been fought so valiantly and sacrificially for.

No matter what the situation, if it doesn’t affect you or hurt you directly, stay out of it! The way people choose to live their lives is no one’s business but their own. You have no idea what is happening in that person’s life or their journey or how they got to today.

Gay, straight, bi or all or none of the above, pro-choice or not, marriage or living together, monogamous or non-monogamous, single or not, etc, etc….CHOICE is the point!

Before you pass judgment, walk a mile in their shoes and please, keep your mouth shut if the discussion isn’t going to be productive or kind or a step towards making the world a better place.

No, my country is not perfect, nor are the people around me (including myself), but I am happy I live in a place and am surrounded by many who are trying to make the world a more understanding and accepting place. And despite the fact that I am constantly fighting my own little battles in my polyamorous world, I am grateful I live in a place where I am seen and heard by many and where I have CHOICES and options, and they won’t bankrupt me to access.

I have ready and free access to my doctor.
I can get birth control whenever I want.
I have access to an abortion if I need or so chose.
I am not trying to feed a baby with non-existent formula.
I can be married and have a boyfriend at the same time.
I have friends who know everything about me and love me and accept me.

I could go on, but the point is I have choices and options and today more than ever, I realize what a privilege this is!

It is truly a tragedy that is currently unfolding, and all I can say is that I am grateful to be exactly where I am in this time and place in history!

I’m Sick of Exes Affecting My Present!

Just when I think all is well and everyone has moved on, the ex comes back to haunt me.

They asked her,
“Can time heal you?”
She answered,
“You are the key to your healing, not time. Hurt,trauma and dense conditioning will continue sitting in your mind, impacting your emotions and behaviour, until you go forward. What heals is self love, learning to let go, self awareness and building new habits.”
young pueblo / intention

Since my boyfriend and I both went through a breakup a few years ago (with other people, not each other), I have found that exes take up far too much of my current reality. It has been a different experience for each of us, but impactful all the same.

My breakup with my husband was more of a transition to a new kind of reality. After some drama caused by breaking our non-monogamy protocols, we went from a regular relationship to no sex and then to sleeping apart. About a year after that, he moved out to live with his girlfriend full time. It was a gradual process which was less jarring than an instant change. But it was also really odd when he left our home after 24 years of living together. But we both knew something had to give, so all in all it was a positive change, even though it took time to get back to our friendship roots.

The things that haunt me to this day are sudden memories that surface. I can be going about my day, not having thought about that thing in years, and words I hear from a book I’m listening to or reading, or something my boyfriend or kids say, will suddenly bring it all back.

I was recently working through the book “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern when this last happened in a big way. It brought up something that happened years ago (many things actually, but this is one I had truly not thought about in some time and never wanted to think about again) and it messed me up for days. It freaked me out, and I transferred my trauma and my fear onto my boyfriend around some discussions we were having about opening up our relationship further.

This wasn’t necessarily a fair reaction, but it was a very real one, and not one I have even explained in detail to my boyfriend at this point. I wish I could forget some of the bad things that happened between my husband and I, because I find, especially the bad memories, are hard to shake. But honestly, even the good memories affect my current reality because I am tempted to play the comparison game between what we had and what my boyfriend and I now share.

The other way my husband affects my daily reality is by his daily reality. I find myself playing the comparison game once again, but this time it’s between our past relationship and the one he shares with his girlfriend now. Why does he get a happy daily reality with his partner when he is the one who screwed up our relationship to begin with? Why do they get to go away on a trip and live out the dreams we once had together? Why are they planning a trip with MY in-laws? Why did he leave me with a mess on my hands and is too far away to be of much help? Why why why…?

These questions are a constant battle for me! I go back and forth with questions, resentments, and jealousy and then remembering this was a good move for us both. We are happier and healthier apart than we were together. But it’s still hard, and this stuff is almost ALWAYS present to some extent.

The situation is different for my boyfriend. He and his ex had a long-drawn-out, never-ending breakup. But once it was done, they cut all ties. Eventually. They actually tried to work their way back to a friendship (my boyfriend envied the friendship I share with my husband and was hoping to find some version of that for himself and his ex), but my boyfriend was still so vulnerable with her, that he managed to get himself hurt all over again because she has never been able to figure out how to take care of his emotional needs even in the context of friendship.

The in-between time was frustrating for all of us who were looking on. They were terrible together and yet on the good days, it was exactly the situation he wanted. He loved her and didn’t want to let go. They were in a triad with his wife and that was his ideal configuration, and he had a hard time moving on from the dream that it could work one day if he only kept trying.

Once he did let go, there was a respite where we all enjoyed the break. And then once the intensity of the breakup started to dull, my boyfriend started missing her again and all that she had represented. So he started seeking out people to talk to and connect with in an effort to figure out if he missed her or the dynamic or what.

To some extent, I get that he needed time to process in his own way, but this is where things started getting harder for us. He spent so much time seeking out connections with others that I started to feel disconnected from him, just like when she was still around and demanded so much of his attention. I found this to be a difficult time for myself as I watched the situation unfold, not knowing where it would land.

Things have calmed down a bit that way now, and he has realized he is better without her, despite the fact that he still misses her some days. But he now knows it is the dynamic he wishes he still had, more than the dynamic with her in particular. She caused a lot of drama for everyone in the polycule because she was not well suited for poly.

And here is our next never-ending issue…

Every time we have a conversation about poly and the downfalls or issues surrounding opening up to more people, he compares my words with his ex and then gets very defensive because he is afraid he is going to lose me as he lost her. This is a constant struggle when we communicate about tough issues. And is a never-ending frustration to me.

I am not his ex. And he knows I am not his ex. And yet, she affected him deeply and made him reactionary when he hears certain phrases or thoughts. His ex and I shared some similarities in how we thought about poly, so there is no question there is some overlap. But we are different people, and those questions and our insecurities are coming from very different places. And yet, she continues to haunt every difficult or loaded conversation my boyfriend and I attempt to engage in.

What I have found, for us both, is that yes, time helps to some extent, and yet, as the quote said, at the start of this article, “you are the key to healing, not time.”

Both my boyfriend and I have acknowledged our sensitivities around our exes, we know that despite some similarities, we are not the same as those respective exes, and yet, they continue to haunt us and affect our relationship with each other. I am taking steps to work on my healing and try hard to choose to look at tomorrow instead of yesterday. And my boyfriend is attempting to do the same. But some days are still not easy, and the road is not flat or smooth. There is much history to overcome for us both, and there is no quick solution to our past affecting our present.

The bottom line is the past may have been full of trauma and memories, both happy and sad, but it makes us who we are today. Exes, and all the baggage they come with, are part of most of our histories. We can choose to accept that as part of our reality, learn from it and move on to a better tomorrow or not.

In the end, it really is up to us.

Hierarchy in Polyamory

Even if that is not the intended structure, I think hierarchy inadvertently happens rather often in polyamorous relationship configurations.

First, a definition. What does hierarchy in the context of polyamory even mean?

In the hierarchical polyamorous relationship configuration, people tend to prioritize one or more partners (designated as primary) over others (often designated secondary or tertiary). This predetermined arrangement between a couple explicitly shapes the nature of their other intimate involvements (Labriola, 2003).May 6, 2021

When I started down the polyamory road, my husband was my primary partner and I considered my boyfriend to be my secondary. He also had a wife and a live-in girlfriend, who were his primary partners at that time. Well, things changed for us over the years.

My husband left, and although we are still married and have a friendship, he is no longer my primary partner, and thus his needs and wants are no longer a priority most of the time. It is not that I stopped caring about him, but we have redefined our relationship and who we are to each other, and it looks different now.

When my husband left, my boyfriend immediately assumed he was in the role of primary partner to me. And this is something I have mulled over a lot in the last couple of years.

Is he really my primary?

To me at this point in time, yes, he is my primary because he is the only person with who I am romantically involved. His wants and needs are a priority to me as much as it is possible in our current geographically distant configuration. But, I do not see myself as his primary. I appreciate that he tries, but when it comes right down to it, I am not his nesting life partner and am rarely chosen as a priority over his wife and his family.

Funny enough, he would not say he practices hierarchical polyamory, but in all practicality, I think he does. He does not ever say one of his relationships is more important than another. They are all unique and have an important purpose in his life. And in this way, his relationships are not hierarchical by definition, as far as someone being more important to him than another. And yet, in real-life practice, choices have to be made about how and where to spend your time and energy.

Some days this is hard for me given I want him to be my primary partner, but I get it too. I prioritized my husband and my children when they were the main humans in my sphere of care. My husband and I were busy doing life together. My children were younger and had places to go and things they needed to accomplish involving an engaged mother. In essence, they needed me in a daily capacity.

I still made myself available to my boyfriend virtually when apart, and we made visits work whenever we could, given the distance between us, but hierarchy was alive and well because it made sense in our context. I could not choose my boyfriend as a priority if my kids or my husband truly needed me.

I find the same still holds true for my boyfriend, and we’ve had many examples of this over the last couple of years. When his wife needs time or a conversation at the same time I do, she is the one he will prioritize.

I was at my boyfriend’s house last summer, we had just watched a movie with the whole family, I had too much alcohol in my system, and I got very emotional (alcohol does that to me) about something that came up for me from watching the movie. My boyfriend clued into the fact that something was wrong, but I was not up for talking and crying in front of his family. So I told him to meet me at my trailer where we could talk. Well, I think I waited almost two hours! Something came up with one of the kids. He had an unfinished conversation with his wife that needed time, and he chose to take care of those situations instead of dealing with me. I was honestly quite livid. I needed him, and he wasn’t there for me.

Once I calmed down, on the one hand, I got it. He was needed for some very real reasons. And yet, on the other hand, I was frustrated that my main person chose others over me at that moment in time. Especially given I was going home the next day. We did not have endless time together and in my mind, perhaps some of those other issues could have been handled once I left. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it was also possible he did not quite understand what was happening with me because he was juggling many things at once and just didn’t get where I was at and what I needed.

But it’s a tough one, and I’m still unsure of the right and wrong of those sets of circumstances and the way choices were made. It is a tricky situation, to say the least. And this is only one example of many of its kind.

I can say one thing for sure, this stuff was much easier to navigate when I had my own nesting partner who was also my primary. Since that change in my life, I look to my boyfriend for so much more and that is hard for him to deliver even if he wants to. He loves me and wants to be there for me however he can be, but he’s also not magical and cannot be everywhere at once.

Inevitably, one pyramid stands higher than the others.

I am curious how others navigate situations like this. Do you practice hierarchical polyamory if you are polyamorous? Why or why not, and how do you define that?

We Swapped With Our Longtime Friends!

It turned out to be an amazing outlet for our friendship, more than the sordid type of exchange I would have expected.

Many years ago, when my husband and I first started down the road of non-monogamy, I had a friend who was helping me navigate the endless rough waters in that first year or so. I have discussed this man before, but have never delved into detail about our night of partner-swapping.

Today is the day!

This man had been a friend for years. He and his wife lived quite far away, so we only saw them once or twice a year. But he and I shared a bond from day one of meeting. He had always been over the top flirty with me, and I enjoyed the attention. But our friendship went deeper than that.

When my husband and I opened up, I inadvertently found out that he and his wife were testing the waters of non-monogamy as well. And he quickly became my confidant and somewhat of a guide, given he was about a year ahead of me in this journey.

Our friendship deepened, and I learned to trust him completely. He occasionally brought up the topic of us exploring together sexually, but I wasn’t sure if I felt that way about him. I was honest about that, and although he never stopped flirting, he also wasn’t pushy in a way that made me uncomfortable. Our friendship simply deepened.

One weekend, he and his family decided to come to town for a visit. Our families planned an afternoon and evening of fun together, and we were all very excited! They brought their older son, who ended up taking care of our younger kids, so the adults could have their own fun. It was perfect!

We did an afternoon of wine tastings, and it was a blast! And was likely our undoing…

We enjoyed more wine with our late dinner and as we sat around on the patio the energy began to change from casual post-dinner chit-chat to an entirely different entity.

My husband moved to the side of the table where his wife had been sitting, and my friend and I got cozy on the other side. He had his arm around me as we were chatting easily when he pointed to our spouses. His wife had begun stroking my husband, over his clothes, but with quite a bit of enthusiasm. Even from our side of the table, we could both see his pants were bulging, and he was leaning back, smile on his face, and letting it happen.

Once she got the go-ahead from us, she undid his pants, set him free of any barriers between her hands and his skin, and started stroking his very big and very hard cock. Intermittently, she started going down on him as well. My husband was moaning happily. We took the cue, and this is when my friend and I started to have some fun of our own.

We began kissing and exploring each other over our clothes. He begged me to taste my pussy, and the second I whispered yes, he pushed up my skirt and pulled off my panties, kneeled in front of me, and spread my legs for his viewing and tasting enjoyment. He explored and pleasured me for ages, and it was glorious! I wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, but I also did not want him to stop.

But soon enough, he took a break to check in with his wife. She was happily going down on my husband with everything she had. So we took the opportunity to move to the large, comfy trampoline just off the deck.

There we snuggled and made out and kissed deeply as we slowly explored each other’s bodies. We never got completely naked, but it didn’t stop us from enjoying each other in the least. What was fascinating for us both in those moments is that our exchange became unexpectedly passionate. But it was still very distinctly different from being passionate lovers, as opposed to passionate friends who meant the world to each other. This moment in time was simply an expression of our deep friendship. Yes, it was sexual, but we also knew we were not and would not be more to each other in the future, than what we already were at that moment.

We would have happily spent the night like this, exploring, snuggling, and loving each other. But a situation came up with our spouses.

His wife got a bit too enthusiastic and threw up all over my husband’s lap as she was deep-throating him! Lucky for him, he had cum just as that happened, so all is well that ends well, for him anyway! But sadly, we all got into clean-up mode (accompanied by much giggling) and the magic of the night was over.

That was an evening I will never forget and might even be a defining moment in my life. I learned that non-monogamy was a possibility for me and that it did not have to dismantle existing relationships when done in the context of respect and consent. I also learned that my feelings for someone didn’t have to change just because sex was part of the dynamic. This night actually increased the closeness of our group, friendship-wise. It served as a bonding time, and his wife and I finally became friends in our own right. Sadly, the opportunity didn’t come up again and the four of us never had another exchange like this, but it taught us all a lot about ourselves and each other, and it was plain fun!

And who doesn’t love some uninhibited fun with good friends now and then?