Long-Distance and Polyamory

Part 1: Sometimes being apart from your love really sucks!

Most people who have engaged in long-distance relationships would agree, that they are tough to maintain in the context of monogamy. Being in a polyamorous relationship adds additional variables that can be rather challenging.

I have been in a long-distance polyamorous relationship for 6 years now. The first few years were extreme in the distance department. We had a drive of about 7 hours between us. My boyfriend frequently travelled closer to me for work, which made us only 1.5 hours apart. But often I had to make the 7 hour trek if I wanted to see him. Because of that, we were happy to make a visit happen once or possibly twice a month at best.

A few years ago he moved back to his family ranch, so we are only 1.5 hours apart via a highway that happens to be extremely treacherous in the winter months, which seems to be about eight months of the year because of its elevation.

Given this situation, I know something about navigating long-distance relationships. It is not all bad, but I will deal with the happier end of the story in Part 2. For now, I will focus on the challenges that I have experienced.

You are always in planning mode…

I feel like at any given time we are always working on some kind of plan to see each other. Because of the distance, we cannot just go out for a spontaneous dinner some evening when we are both free. And because of being polyamorous, there are always other people to consider when we do want to see each other. Our circumstances mean there has to be a plan in place that works for several people at any given time.

At this point in time, my life has far fewer variables than my boyfriend’s life. Because of that, I unusually work around him. He is the one with more partners, has a family with young kids, and has a job that is essentially 24/7. So I am usually the one making the travel plan because he is almost always busy and that much I can plan on!

And of course, all of this only works when there aren’t already plans in place with another partner. Many times I have had a perfect couple of free days, but my boyfriend was already spending it with someone else.

You have to take time out of your lives to be together…

Being poly and being far away from each other means we often have to literally set aside parts of our lives to see each other. I cannot spend my day doing my normal life and then have a sleepover and then go back to regular life in the morning.

Rarely do we even have time for actual dates. Most often I set aside my normal routine for a few days and I join my boyfriend on a trucking trip. Some of the time I go to his place and spend a night or two in my trailer I keep on his property, and during the day I will help him with ranch tasks or hang out with whoever is around. It’s a good thing I have a blast with his kids because I often end up hanging out with them. At night is when we finally have our alone time in my trailer.

When he comes to visit me, which is much rarer given the variables I already spoke of, it is a juggling act, to say the least. Someone needs to stay home to do his work. That can be a big ask when you are off to have a fun day with your girlfriend. So when he does come to me, we often combine our date like day with errands that help out the rest of his life, and we pick up treats, usually in the form of craft cider, for his wife, who bears the brunt of the responsibility when he’s gone.

There is always a lot of work to do to be able to leave and much work to catch up on after I get back…

I do not work outside the home so that part of my life is easy to navigate schedule-wise. But the reason I do not work outside the home is because I have a ton to do at home. So when I want to take off for a few days I have to work very hard to get me, my kids, my animals, the garden in the summer, the fire that heats our water and home, and any special off-grid needs, sorted out and organized before I leave. Someone has to take over those jobs for me while I am away.

And when I come back I feel like it usually takes a day or two to catch up even if I was only gone for a couple of days. It absolutely takes a toll on how I live my life. And it can be highly frustrating when I come home to empty chicken waters, cold water because no one could be home all day to do a fire, or a kitchen full of dishes. Thankfully my kids respect me and my relationship and do their best to maintain my life when I am not around, but given they have busy lives too, it takes effort all around.

When we are apart, I get less of my boyfriend than I would in monogamy because he has his attention on others, not just me…

I have watched both my kids navigate long-distance relationships, and the way I see them interact with their significant other is vastly different from what I experience with mine.

They are on the phone for what feels like hours every day. They text or snap constantly when not talking on the phone. The day begins and ends with some kind of interaction that is put on a pedestal above interactions with others. And of course, all free time is spent on or with each other.

My boyfriend and I communicate quite a bit, but it is very up and down from both our ends, depending on the rest of life variables on any given day. However, we are still important to each other and find ways to prioritize each other as much as we can in our circumstances. We communicate at the start and end of every day to at least some degree. Some days it’s non-stop and other days there are just smatterings — enough to let each other know we are alive and what we are up to that day. On average, we speak on the phone a few times a week. So yes, we do communicate quite a bit. But nothing is a given.

My boyfriend has a very full and busy life, other important commitments, and two other partners. So when he has time, he makes a choice of where to expend energy as far as communication and of course time in visits as well. And I am not always the choice he makes. Some days that can be difficult or frustrating. But it is also understandable, has nothing to do with me personally, or is evidence of a shortcoming in our relationship, and I knew this going into poly. But the reality is, my significant other is not always there when I want or need him to be, even if he wants to be.

I miss his physical presence…

This is the worst part of long-distance relationships for most. I know some prefer to have their own lives and autonomy over their decisions on how to spend their time. But the bottom line for most humans is that if you are in a committed relationship, you probably like that person and enjoy spending time in their presence.

This is certainly true in my case. I love being as physically close to my boyfriend as possible. When we are alone, we are usually touching somehow. We love spending time together talking, adventuring, and even being quiet but close. We love sharing our latest craft beer find and good food. And of course, we love engaging in sexual play and sleeping together. Our chemistry is electric, and being near each other serves as a stress relief for us both. So it can feel like literal torture to be apart from each other and some days this really sucks, plain and simple!

Engaging in long-distance relationships can be tiring, trying, and will likely require much energy and commitment to maintain. It is certainly doable and worth the effort for the right person, as I can attest to, but it is not for the faint of heart, and it is something you need to carefully consider in any type of relationship, monogamous or not.

What do you require out of a relationship, and what are you willing to do without?

Stay tuned for the upside of long-distance relationships in Part 2…

Why Did It Take Me So Long to Pack Up My Husband’s Stuff?

Even when the change is right, it is still fraught with emotion.

My husband moved out just over two years ago. For the complete story, head over here. It was the right move for us both. Things were getting more tense and unhealthy by the day until the pandemic forced us to make a decision. We are polyamorous and had both been in other relationships for a few years already. Choices needed to be made about who and where we would spend our pandemic time. He chose to spend lockdown with his girlfriend, and I supported that decision.

It was emotional in every way, but it was a relief to have him gone. I don’t think either of us knew if it would be permanent at the time. I had a feeling it might be, and part of me hoped it would be because it felt so much less stressful for me and my boys, to be in my home without him. But then again, part of me missed him too. This wasn’t where I thought my life would go. It was a roller coaster of emotions and there were several reasons it took me so long to pack up my husband’s stuff…

For quite some time, I thought my husband might come back.
No one knew what was happening with the pandemic. We all thought it was going to be a 6-week disruption at first and then back to normal. Isn’t that funny to think about now! And the way he left was not done in a way that was necessarily permanent. He took a backpack and headed out.

We both knew he would rather be stuck with his girlfriend, with whom he was getting along, as opposed to me and our kids, where tensions were running high all around. So I think I was on edge for a while with that unknown part. Was he gone or just away for a period of time? Because of that, I did nothing to my house or property for quite some time, to give any indication that he no longer lived there.

I felt guilty packing up his things when it was still his house.
Our property literally has both of our blood, sweat, and tears on it. We bought this place 24 years ago. We lost everything in a wildfire almost 19 years ago. And we did all the work on this land, including building the house, setting up our off-grid power situation, building outbuildings like the chicken coop and shop, and anything else you can think of, ourselves. Yes, we had some help from others for much of it. But essentially this place is a result of our hard work, and especially my husband’s hard work.

All of our energy and most of our money have gone into this place for a very long time. It is a place that was full of our dreams. And I felt bad to the point of actual guilt, erasing him from our home, by packing up, or getting rid of his stuff, even though he was the one who left it very much on purpose.

It was a lot of work to go through the ton of stuff he left here and I was resentful that one more thing was left up to me.
My husband is a packrat and not only was my room full of his clothes, the main floor full of paperwork that never got dealt with from our 3 businesses, and the crawlspace brimming with his outdoor adventure equipment (camping, rock and ice climbing, skiing, mountaineering…), but several of our 5 acres were also full of the makings of the rest of his dreams.

For years, he brought home stuff from construction projects. He has tools of every kind for construction and mechanicking. And then there are the vehicles, trailers, bikes, and odds and ends that tend to collect as soon as you have property.

We have a ton of stuff. And more specifically, he has a ton of stuff! So every time I started sorting through things there seemed to be no end to, I was resentful that I was left with that kind of work to mostly do on my own.

He didn’t have much room to take things with him, and he wasn’t around at all for the first few months after he left, and for a long time after that yet, we only interacted outside. So, I knew on a logical level that he couldn’t do most of the work. But it still upset me that he left me with such a mess.

I had so much to deal with and there were so many things left undone or half done and I have had to deal with the ramifications of that. Many days, I must admit, I am still resentful of the various messes he left for me to deal with.

Every time I went to pack something, it was like an emotionally brutal walk down memory lane!
I think it was about 6 months after he left before I believed he might be gone for good, and I very slowly started packing. I started in my room. I wanted the space, and I was tired of looking at his things. But as I began taking belongings off shelves and hangers, I felt huge waves of emotion hit me.

I wanted him gone. I knew this was better. But every item was a reminder of what once was. We had a very full life together. Much of it was hard, but much of it was wonderful. We worked hard and fought for the life we created with each other. We had children, we suffered losses and deaths, we started businesses, we built things and raised animals, and we navigated opening up our relationship together. Despite the mistakes and losses in some of these areas, we also shared a lot of wins and a lifetime of precious moments.

Every item I looked at made me play out our lives all over again. And each item signified a different part of it. There were work shirts that reminded me of the life we physically built together. There were the unique dress shoes my dad handed down to him. There were trip mementos and his wedding ring we took so much time to design when we were basically kids all those years ago. There were also reminders of the dreams we had yet to fulfill.

It was honestly quite brutal. And it took time to say goodbye to the many chapters of our lives represented by all the things I put in boxes.

I still have a bunch of my husband’s stuff around, but it’s a lot less than it used to be. In the house, there are just a few things left in the crawl space now. Outside, there will always be odds and ends we still share, like the tools that come and go depending on who needs them. Thankfully, we are mostly amicable and are still attempting to do life together in some ways. This is the blessing of the poly lifestyle because it has given us options. We don’t live together and have no plans to do so in the future, but we have by no means cut ties either. Since things simmered down after our first year apart, we are back to the friendship base that brought us together originally, and I am grateful for that.

It has been a long and winding road, but what I have learned in this process of packing is that despite where we are now, I have no regrets. My husband and I had a beautiful life together. We have amazing children. And we never lived a life of mediocrity or the mundane. We chose our own unique path from day one. And to this day we are still finding ways to do life together, even though it looks different from what most people expect.

So yes, packing up my husband’s stuff has taken me forever, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but I am trying to stay in the gratitude frame of mind for a life well-lived, even though it didn’t quite go as planned. And honestly, whose life goes as planned anyway?

Why Doesn’t Anyone Want to Talk About Sex?

It’s a comfortable topic in my house which is apparently unique judging by the reaction of our visitors.

To be clear, when I mean talking about sex, I do not mean the typical objectification of sex, locker room type talk, and mainstream porn. I’m talking about the kind of sex most of us are engaging in or desire to engage in as part of real life.

My current polyamorous liberally bent life barely resembles the way I was raised in any way shape or form. I grew up in a conservative Christian household and sex was NEVER discussed. My parents did not even grace me with that awkward sex talk in my teen years, most kids have to agonize through. I think they assumed I learned what I needed to know in school. To some extent, they were right as far as the basics, but my education was limited and I was terribly naive in all things sex-related. And of course, when abstinence is the ONLY option, why talk about sex until the day before the wedding?

I had older siblings but this also did not help as one might think it could. They all left home when I was very young and I would venture to say they were as conservative as my parents were in their views around all things sex related.

Sex was a topic that was joked about with my teenage friends and sometimes discussed in hushed tones or gossiped about in an unhealthy way when we figured someone or another was doing it. We were all trying to save ourselves for marriage, so the topic as a healthy chosen personal activity and experience was very much off the table. How many of us saved ourselves is a whole other topic. I actually did, technically speaking 🙂 We did EVERYTHING but the actual deed!

And then I got married…

Apparently the actual deed is a different entity than all the other “stuff”. The honeymoon was overwhelmingly disappointing and frustrating for both my husband and me. We tried to have patience and do different things but it didn’t work. And the more stressed I got, of course the less it worked. This was a very trying situation for a young wife with a very virile horny husband.

And sadly, I had absolutely no one to turn to.

I could not talk to my mom. My older sister was busy with her own life dramas and a marriage that was falling apart. I tried talking to a couple of my best friends and they completely brushed me off. They got uncomfortable as soon as I said I wanted to talk about some sex-related stuff, and I know now, it was partially due to the fact that they were NOT married, but had already had sex, and did not want to confess. It was ridiculous all around and truly awful.

I felt SO alone.

I honestly believe this one issue was the main underlying cause of my and my husband’s demise as a happily functioning married living together couple. Had there been help available in a timely manner, life may have turned out very differently.

The thing we did right in the middle of all this was that we kept sex on the table as a normal discussion topic in our house, with our kids. It wasn’t pushed, it wasn’t made to seem like a secret taboo topic, it just was. It was a topic we talked about together like anything else — school, career, dirt biking, chores, etc. It was not out of the ordinary.

My husband and I put effort into making our sex life better and it worked to some extent but we never quite got to an awesome place, which I really didn’t understand until I had what I have now. But as we delved into some of our issues, we realized that the way we grew up was not how we wanted our kids to grow up. So we parented differently, each fostering this in our own unique ways, and I have never regretted that for one second.

When my husband and I opened up our marriage, this expanded our own horizons, as well as our children’s. When I told my kids what we were up to with these other “friends” that were hanging around our lives, they got a deep understanding that we were still sexual beings in our own right, and that we are all on a path of getting to know ourselves in this facet as life continuously evolves. I think it is important for kids to know and appreciate that about adults. For one thing, there is hope that sexual desire and pleasure does not end after your twenties. In fact, it can get exponentially better as you get older!

Getting into the dating world and finding like-minded humans has led me to people where sex is on the table as a discussion topic. I haven’t ended up with a lot of sexual partners because that has not been my objective, but I have had a ton of amazing, and very open sex based talks, both online, and in person.

I would stipulate that having an online forum to discuss such topics is likely what caused my comfort level to go up because you can be anonymous. It is easy to be open and honest with strangers when you have nothing to lose. This was good practice for me after having this topic be off the table for most of my life.

But in general, I am making different kinds of friends now. Lines don’t have to be pushed and everyone’s comfort levels are different, but it should be ok to have sex be a more mainstream topic in general. I believe we would all benefit from that kind of openness and honesty. There is much to learn in this arena and it helps to share experiences when you are having trouble. And it is also fun to share experiences when something exciting happens or works well.

Out of the blue, a friend asked me recently if I prioritize orgasms every time I have sex. And that led us into a discussion about what kinds of sexual interactions we were both after. It was very unexpected, not at all weird, and I left that meeting feeling very content in the fact that I had cultivated this kind of friendship without even realizing it. He is dabbling in the dating world for the first time in 30 years and is finding it intimidating. I get it and am so happy he felt I was a safe place to go to with stuff like this!

Whether people admit it or not, sex is a huge part of life for most of us. It is rampantly used as a selling tool and of course porn is at the ready for anyone who wants some immediate (usually secret) titillation. But perhaps, if we all talked about sex like we talk about other important life things, like diet and exercise for example, we might be healthier as a society. Respect might go up and objectification might go down. We might learn how to care for and please each other, and we might really grasp the concept of consent!

At the very least I’m trying to do my part as a mom to change my corner of the world, and thus far I like how my kids approach sex. They respect all people, all genders, and all orientations, they appreciate sex as being a wonderful gift and part of being alive, they practice and preach consent, they understand safe and healthy sex, they are open to learning and sharing like they are about any other topic in life(without it getting too weird — sometimes I do get a “cmon mom, please stop talking!” ), and they pass this mentality on to everyone who walks through our door.

My home is a safe haven for anyone about any topic and that has lasting potentially life changing value in my opinion.

So, what if we all just talked about sex a little bit more?

Poly Intentions Vs Poly Reality

Rarely do those two roads line up long term.

When I hear people talk about what they want out of polyamorous or other ethical non monogamous relationships, I must admit, I often giggle to myself. I’ve been in this alternative world for about seven years now and believe me, the road I started on, what I wanted, and where I thought I would end up, is not the road I am on today!

The funny thing about relationships in any configuration, is that we are dealing with HUMANS! Dynamic, evolving, messy humans. As much as we would all love that much control, we are not dealing with a stationary idea that you can formulate to your whims, or that fits in perfectly with your life.

Here is a taste of my world to give you an example of intentions versus reality …

My husband was the one who wanted to open up our marriage. He loved the idea of casual sex with no strings attached. He believed that was what he was wired for. He wanted experiences of all kinds, but was happy with keeping me as his primary nesting partner and maintaining our fairly “normal” looking life from the outside.

He dabbled with fun dates and casual sex and nothing really worked. He actually fell in love with someone who ended up stringing him along but was ultimately unavailable to him. She broke his heart and caused him to be a bit of a wreck for almost two years! After her, he went back to dabbling with casual, but again, it didn’t click and seemed like more trouble than it was worth, even though no strings attached was supposed to be the easier route than polyamory. Well…he ended up in long term committed relationship with a polyamorous woman, and moved out of our home to be with her and her kids.

Funny enough, they are basically monogamous now!

My story is quite different than my husband’s. I was hesitant when my husband brought up the whole opening up idea. I knew myself well enough to know, I likely could not do casual anything without falling in love. I fell for people easily my whole life and I was pretty sure adding sex to the mix would not make this go away. I thought it would be easier to keep our primary relationship as is and both do casual on the side, but I figured I was more wired for polyamory.

That much has remained true for me thus far.

I also wanted a long term partner who would be part of my daily life. When I like people I like them to be close to me. Whether it’s friends, family, or romantic interests, I tend to want people to gather around me and commune together regularly.

I ended up with the right kind of man who would be a perfect addition to my daily life, but, instead of a daily anything, I am in a long distance relationship. He was very far away when we started dating and the improvement that happened a few years ago is that he is now only 1.5 hrs away. We are long term committed to each other, but the reality the distance presents us with is that we cannot be all we want to each other. This is a constant struggle as we try to navigate our desire for each other, and balance that with our reality.

When he and I started dating, I was happily married and had the nesting partner I thought I would grow old with. But as that situation changed with my husband, so did my expectations on my boyfriend. It was not intentional, nor is it realistic or even fair, but it was a natural progression given what we mean to each other.

At our beginning, I never assumed he would be my date to Christmas dinner or to a wedding, whereas now I wish he was. We were happy to see each other once or twice a month when we started, and now when one week has gone by, we are both losing our minds. I wish he was the person I came home to and slept with every night but that is out of the question at this point.

Our lives when we started barely resemble where we are now.

Then there is my boyfriend. Polyamory made sense to him immediately. He is a feelings kind of guy and not wired well for casual. He wanted a live-in partner from day one. He realized the realities of trying to always make time for, or get to someone over distance would be frustrating. He also has a much higher sex drive than his wife so it is his ideal to have another outlet at home that way.

For a while he succeeded at this and in fact, had his perfect situation — a triad, with his wife and his girlfriend. But it turns out his girlfriend was very human and the poly lifestyle was not what she expected, it was very hard on her, and they broke up a few years ago. They worked very hard at making it work, so much so he almost lost the rest of us in the process, but to no avail.

He lost that ideal, and now he is back to living with his wife and has two long distance girlfriends. He very much wants to recreate a triad but his wife is out of patience for trying to navigate that potentially complicated situation again, and if he had a triad elsewhere, it would take more time from the rest of us. He has his dreams, has not given up on them, but navigating the reality of many long term committed relationships is daunting for us all.

My boyfriend is doing polyamory, is very happy with his relationships, but the configurations he is a part of, and constantly navigating the distances and time apart, is certainly not what he expected to be dealing with when he started down this road.

What I have come to learn in polyamory is that the more people who are involved, the more variables you have to contend with, and they seem to grow exponentially. One person is not one more dynamic. One person is that particular dynamic plus how it works with everyone else in the polycue, which can end up being a lot of dynamics depending how many partners everyone has.

I believe with all things in life, expectations need to be mitigated. I’m not sure if I’m jaded or may be getting old and wise, but I have learned that what I want or expect is rarely how things turn out. And I’m trying to accept that as being perfectly ok! Life is unpredictable and often the best things happen when you least expect them.

My poly life did not follow the path I laid out for it, but I also did not expect to have the kind of amazing fulfilling exciting relationship I do with my boyfriend, ever in my life! It is not perfect or ideal in many ways, but for all I know, our distance and the challenges we deal with are the reasons why our dynamic is so fantastic. We might be annoyed with each other if we actually lived together 🙂 We work hard for what we do have and we are reaping the benefits of that.

If you want to walk down the road of ethical non monogamy, leave room for the humans that will walk it with you, and all the variables they each come with. It may not be what you expect, but it may also be better. Life, after all, is full of pleasant surprises!

Sometimes You Just Need a Little Wine…

Funny how an afternoon of carefree fun with your best friend can bring perspective back to life!

Lately life has felt like a grind. Yes, it’s spring and there is new life all around me. My surroundings are lush, abundant, and vibrant. It is the season of newness and hope.

And yet, I have felt like I cannot escape a kind of darkness that feels like it’s been permeating my life for some time now.

Granted life has been full of challenges. For any of you who read my stuff with some regularity, you have already heard me whine about my tough winter living off grid that included generator issues, power issues and water issues. There have also been husband issues, money issues, health issues, and all kinds of issues surrounding my polyamorous relationship choice! Yup, plenty of issues…

It has been busy and exhausting.

Frankly, it has felt busy and exhausting for years. But there were new variables in the last few months and I have felt like many of the things I’m dealing with are out of my league and it has felt completely overwhelming more days than I care to admit.

But, some of the aforementioned points are improving. Warm weather and sunshine solves many off grid issues (except water), at least until next winter. My husband and I are back to being amicable and despite the fact that we have a lot of big things to navigate around our separation, it is feeling slightly more hopeful at the moment.

There have also been changes to our finances due to the selling of a rental property. This gives some leeway for paying off debt, but also comes with a ton of anxiety because this was our only nest egg besides the property I currently live on. If we get into trouble again, we have no other out. I currently have options and I’m grateful for that, but I also know I need to proceed with caution and wisdom, so I am very much feeling the weight of that.

Then there’s the endless discussions, mostly in my head and written down for all of you, around polyamory. Can I keep doing this? Am I wired for this? Can the depth of love and connection I feel for my boyfriend sustain the stress that comes with this lifestyle? Can I handle him having more relationships? Can I open myself up to new relationships?

Will I ever feel healthy and plain old ok and at ease EVER AGAIN?

I’m not sure if there are easy answers to any of this stuff. But I do know that taking a break and spending time with one of my favorite people, is something that fills me. I know this and I still don’t do it enough.

But today I did it!

I happen to live in the middle of wine paradise and I needed to go pick up a box of wine at a local winery. I have put this off for weeks. I’ve been busy and sick and it just wasn’t priority. But finally the stars aligned. My friend and I both had a window and I got her to come with me to grab my box of wine and sneak in a quick tasting.

Well, two hours later, we left that place feeling completely different than how we felt going in!

During the tasting, we laughed a ton, we learned a bunch about all the different wines and ciders we tasted (there were many because apparently we were such pleasant company, she kept finding more things for us to try), and of course, we drank all manner of tasty treats. We had good old silly fun with the fabulous woman who served us, we connected with her and thoroughly enjoyed getting to know a new person, my friend and I reconnected with each other throughout the afternoons events, we supported an amazing local business, and we both left smiling and feeling utterly refreshed!

All the way home my friend and I talked about how we should do things like this more. It’s so simple, does not take much time, and does not even have to cost money. And yet, these kinds of interactions feed the soul. We all need companionship, fun, laughter, and a break from life. And I wish all the things we need to do to survive didn’t take over so completely as often as it seems to.

My issues did not going away in these few hours. I still have a problem with my well, I have some tough decisions to make with both my husband and my boyfriend, there is still a hole in my driveway because we had to dig up the septic tank, and I’m still not sure how to make enough money to pay the bills long term. But right in this moment, my problems seem just a little further away and I can’t help but be grateful for where I live, for having time in my life to do a winery tasting on a midweek afternoon, and for having an amazing friend who wants to walk this crazy life journey with me in all its ups and downs.

So I must reiterate — sometimes all you need is a little wine! And just maybe, a good friend to share it with.

How Far From “Normal” Am I?

The further you get from societal norms, the harder it is to measure, but I have a feeling I am pretty far outside of the box at this point.

Who and what is normal these days anyway? I would guess that as we think of that term, what comes to mind for most of us in Western culture is an average and traditional life path which includes things like:

a high school experience with good friends, a few bullies, sports or band, and throwing the mortarboard hat in the air at graduation, in tearful hopefilled ceremony
some post secondary education
a 9 to 5 job
finding “the one” and settling down into blissful forever monogamy
adding a few kids to the mix and maybe a dog or cat
all above mentioned people and pets happily residing in a lovely two story home with the white picket fence and swing set in the backyard

I’m wracking my brain trying to think of anyone who fits in that mold and I can’t. Any yet, despite the fact that NO ONE is normal and life has rarely followed the path we thought it would take for any of us, when I discuss my life and views with others who are closer to that line, I realize I am still further away compared to many.

I have checked off some of that normal list, but for the most part, I have been set apart, living outside of most boxes in many ways, even before opening up my marriage.

I have been living outside the city and off grid for over twenty years now. I chose to live without indoor plumbing, and lights other than gas powered ones, for a while. I have raised hundreds of chickens over the years. I got a degree and then instead of following a career path like I was supposed to, I stayed home to raise my kids, live off grid, and play with my animals, which offended many and was touted as wasting my education. Wood is my source of heat and hot water. I drove a Unimog (Mercedes army truck) as my daily for a while. I collect flowers and plants from my surrounding and make tasty alcoholic beverages out of them. Etc, etc…

And this was all before my husband and I went down the non monogamy road!

Talking to a friend the other day was eye opening. He is fully monogamously minded and believes in there being lines in friendship between men and women, even around conversation topics, before it crosses into a romantic relationship. I however, am of the mindset that there is no clear line and that it is different for everyone.

Some people have trouble being just friends with the opposite sex. Honestly I have always been one of those. I’ve always had guy friends but I also develop crushes easily. It has only been since I’ve engaged in polyamory that, ironically perhaps, I’ve been better able to define and draw lines for myself around that stuff.

One thing became crystal clear as I was discussing this topic with said friend — I’d have trouble being with a traditionally minded man who had issues with me grabbing a beer with my guy friend!

I’m grappling with this topic at the moment because I am missing stability in my life and things that fall into that average and normal equation. And because of that I keep wrestling with the topic of monogamy vs non monogamy in particular. Some days I think maybe I just want that 9 to 5 city life with a monogamous partner. But then I realize that it’s likely those rose colored glasses talking again. As I think more honestly and deeply about my future and assess what I really want, I wonder if I’m not quite as normal or monogamously minded as I think on those difficult days.

Yes, the stability and predictability of monogamy is appealing to me, especially as I find many parts of doing my life without a partner taxing. BUT, since embracing ethical non monogamy, and even since my husband left, there are things I enjoy and would never want to change for the sake of being or appearing normal.

I always want to have men in my life, as friends or more, and I like that if I develop a crush these days, I have the chance to explore what that means.
I like deeply engaging with and going out publically with a man who is not my husband, without there being an assumption that I’m cheating.
I like that I can talk about anything and everything with my friends (male or female). Sex content flows easily for me and I find it refreshing to have people in my life who can engage with me on that level without it being weird. Most of my friends in traditional relationships do not get into sexual topics EVER. I have found that frustrating my entire life.
I enjoy writing erotic stories and throwing them out there into the world instead of hiding them on my computer for my eyes alone.
I love my very non vanilla and fulfilling sex life.
I am enjoying making my off grid living situation and property more my own, and apart from my husbands opinions and messes. My home is (very slowly) turning into what I always envisioned for it.
I like choosing the road I WANT to take instead of living and making my choices in light of others. I am a natural caretaker and I love that roll. But I also lost myself and what I might want apart from others, along the way. Working to find that is a bit daunting many days, but also refreshing and rewarding when I find things that are all me.

Yes, I miss the stability and predictability of traditional ways of life and the support of my family in the ways I used to have it. But I don’t think I will ever really be normal either and that’s ok. Despite liking the cozy comfort of a box around me, I don’t think I could stay inside one for long anymore. That sounds a bit boring after all.

I don’t know where I’m going or where I’ll end up, but then who does? What I do know is that I like my larger world view that is full of possibilities and I don’t think that will ever change for me.

Don’t Ever Let Go

I didn’t expect you

You touch my shoulder and I turn with a start
You are smiling down at me
My heart flutters and a flush hits my cheeks
I smile with joy that floods my being

You are here!

I didn’t expect you
I was so afraid I would never see you again
I am shocked and overwhelmed
Tears of joy threaten to spill over

You pull me into your arms
I hold you so tight it hurts
You hold me just as tightly, and I can hardly breathe

You pull back a bit so you can look into my eyes
You brush my hair back behind my ear

I shiver in longing
I gaze into your blazing eyes
You long for me too

I swear I can see right into your soul
We need hold nothing back

It’s our turn now!

You cradle my face in your hands
Our lips meet just as I can’t stand the want any longer
We are starving for each other
The heat intensifies

It has been so very long!

You kiss the tears of joy that have escaped down my cheeks
We laugh at the absurdity of this shared feeling of pure glee
We revel in this perfect moment we both thought might never happen

Neither of us seems to notice that the rain is soaking through our clothing
It’s a warm spring evening and love is most definitely in the air
Who cares about anything else when your arms are around me?

Please, don’t ever let me go!

Yes, Polyamory is Different than Polygamy!

These are NOT the same relationship entities, despite there being a few similarities.

I’m not sure how many times I have been asked about why or how on earth I got myself into polygamy! Even when I say I’m polyamorous, people immediately hear polygamy and assume I’m under the spell of a male dominated cult leader, and the like. My boyfriend has been confused for being Mormon many times. As soon as people hear he has more than one partner, that is the automatic assumption. He is about as far from Mormon as one can get! But it seems many people don’t quite understand there is a difference between polyamory and polygamy.

These terms get confused regularly. And despite the fact that they do share some similarities, it gets frustrating to have the two relationship styles mixed up. So I am going to delve into their differences a bit.

Firstly let’s have some definitions.

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. Wikipedia

Whereas,

Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. When a man is married to more than one wife at the same time, sociologists call this polygyny. When a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry. In contrast to polygamy, monogamy is marriage consisting of only two parties. Wikipedia

I most definitely do not know all there is to know about polygamy and I won’t pretend I do. I have grown up knowing about the concept. It was big in the Old Testament days which made it familiar from the time I was young, having grown up in a Christian family where the Bible was part of my daily reality. But my impression from experience, the News, and the bit I’ve read, is that it is a male dominated, usually patriarchal based, very unequal dynamic between the sexes, and most often practiced as part of religious beliefs.

Whereas the whole point of polyamory is open handed love. It is about consent, trust, equality, and about the give and take of relationship dynamics between any and all genders.

I’ll dive into some of this a bit more…

There are many fundamental concepts underlying these two relationship styles that make them different:

Male dominated
As seen in the definition above, there are male and female dominated versions of polygamy. Polygyny is the male dominated and most common form of polygamy. Throughout history, males have tended to dominate in most societal roles as far as politics, religion and relationships. Dotted throughout the world now and throughout history, our main example of polygamy is males having multiple partners. And when this is practiced it is never about equality. Only the male will have multiple partners in a patriarchal society and only females will have multiple partners in a matriarchal society.

Marriage
For polygamy to be valid there is a marriage agreement that is part of it becoming an entity. Despite the fact that few places in the world allow polygamy legally, when it is practiced there is a marriage ceremony involved in a religious setting under religious law.
Polyamory often has married couples within a polycue, but given it is illegal to marry more than one person in Western society, this relationship style has nothing to do with marriage. Polyamorous people are often committed long term, but there is no legal basis for it. Choice and not law, is the reason polyamorous people are together.

Religion
Polygamy has its roots in religion. There are many faiths and cults throughout the world that have and still do include polygamy as a religious practice. Polyamory has nothing whatsoever to do with religion. In fact, people who come from some kind of faith based background, usually find themselves at odds with their faith community and are ostracized for practicing polyamory.

Choice
In polygamy, it is the man (or dominant partner) doing all the choosing. They choose who, when, and how many partners they want to have apart from their other partners.
Polyamory is all about choice for everyone involved. Every person involved makes a choice, every day, to participate.

Consent
Much like choice, polygamy has little to do with consent. I’m sure this is not always the norm anymore, especially as society has progressed, but sadly, we often hear the stories on the News of woman being taken into polygamist family units without their consent, and often not even of age to consent. Polyamory celebrates, encourages, and practices consent from every direction. Everyone involved gets a say on how the dynamic is played out. Everyone has voice and everyone participates with that voice as they choose.

There are also several concepts that make these relationship styles overlap:

Multiple Partners
This is the main reason, I am assuming, that these two words and concepts get mixed up. The poly part means many or multiples. In both relationship dynamics you will find people who have more than one partner somewhere in the configuration.

Love
The whole point of polyamory is the love. The amory part of the word comes from amor in latin meaning love. It is my understanding that the intention of engaging in polygamy is not love, however, I have heard examples of many loving polygamous relationships. It is not surprising to me that in any kind of relationship configuration you will find love. We humans need it, gravitate to it, and do what we can to hone it and keep it in our lives.

Community
With multiple close relationships, community often develops even if it is not part of the original intent. Again, people gravitate to love, acceptance, and familiarity. We need each other. And when we find people who think similarly to us, it makes sense that community develops over time. Both polyamory and polygamy will attract people who have similar beliefs and lifestyles. Community is bound to be a positive effect for many in these groups.

Hopefully this simplistic overview makes the picture of these two concepts a little more clear for those who have been wondering if they are one and the same. It is understandable that people who are not very familiar with either concept would lump them together. But as someone who practices polyamory, it does get tiring having that conversation repeatedly, because from this side of the fence, the two concepts feel highly different!

Sex! Why Am I Suddenly Addicted?

For most of my life I had a take it or leave it approach.

Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

For most of my married life, sex was an issue between my husband and I. We did not jive well in the bedroom despite our best efforts. Upon retrospect, and knowing what I know now from new experiences, I think at least part of the problem was mismatched pheromones and our lack of vulnerability with each other. We came from a Christian background, waited until marriage to seal the deal, and low and behold, sex just didn’t work between us.

My husband had a very high sex drive and I took on a ton of guilt over our sexual issues. I wanted my husband to be happy and fulfilled in our marriage, and he was patient for quite some time as we tried to figure things out. But it became a chore for us both. There was always pain for me until after I had babies. And even when that wasn’t present, so much time had passed with sex being a negative for me, I still mostly felt like I had to fulfill a marital duty with sex. It wasn’t something I wanted to do for fun. Even as things improved in the last years of our marriage, something was still missing, and I assumed that I simply had a low sex drive.

Apparently this is NOT the case!

I had some experience with other partners, after opening up our marriage, that told me I was potentially very interested in sex. But it wasn’t until my current boyfriend and I got into a physical relationship did I realize just how much I wanted sex. CONSTANTLY!

From day one, our dynamic was electric. We craved each other and found it easy to sink into our pleasure and spend an evening playing with our chemistry and seeing where it might lead, no particular goal in mind. Never in my life have I wanted to spend the day in bed with someone simply playing with no clothes on. And now I wish that was something we could do weekly! But sadly, this has rarely been an option because of the way we do polyamory and the kind of time we have together. But believe me, we make the best of every opportunity!

From sex apathy to sex obsessed — here are some of the factors that I believe are contributing to this complete change in me:

Complimentary pheromones and mutual physical and emotional vulnerability are key factors I believe have played into our sexual success, but given I have gone through these extensively in past articles, please take a look at those for the whole scoop on those topics.
Time
I am wondering if the time factor is a major part of the reason I am addicted to sex with my boyfriend. Is my desire based around the fact that I don’t get it very often? Our best case scenario is seeing each other for a night or 2 every week. But this is rarely the case. More often it is closer to 2 weeks that go by before we are together again.
Distance
Because our relationship is long distance, our want of each other stays rather high. And we work to this end. We tease constantly by sending suggestive texts and naughty pictures to each other. Our distance makes us work on this part of our relationship constantly because it’s the majority of the kind of time and interaction that we have.
This is very different than living with someone and having daily access to them. Even if all the great elements are at play, chemistry usually dies down over time for a myriad of reasons, like having to deal with the practicalities of life, and becoming complacent because of easy access. I have been with this man for almost 6 years now and our sex life is as sparky as it has ever been. By the time we get access to each other we are practically losing our minds with desire.
Play
I believe our playful method of exchange is a large element of our success. Our dynamic is ever changing depending on mood, location, how much time we have and how long we have been apart. Sometimes we are quick and to the point, sometimes we play at length and continuously exchange with give and take, often including beer or wine and maybe some chocolate. We can be kinky and enjoy pushing each other’s limits with pain and pleasure play. But we can also be gentle and loving.
The point is the play, which to me means an ever changing dynamic, the goal of which is to sink into each other however we feel in that moment. Orgasms are wonderful but by no means is that our initial goal most of the time. That is an eventual outcome most of the time, but we derive much satisfaction and stress relief just by being naked and exploring each other in as close a proximity as possible.
Our playful dynamic also allows us to be imperfect and to laugh at ourselves. We try things and it doesn’t always work, and we giggle and try something else. This may seem silly in some ways, but to me it is both freeing and addicting to be so at ease in a sexual exchange.
Enjoying sex makes me feel sexy
Embracing my sexuality and drinking in how my lover sees me, makes me feel sexy. I have always felt physically inadequate and self conscious for one reason or another. But in my middle age, with my very much less than perfect body, I am likely the most confident I’ve ever been. Giving in to the full experience of sex has changed how I feel about myself. The kind of pleasure my body gives me and can give to someone else, is a gift I have finally learned to accept as all mine.
Sex is fun when it is not fraught with expectation
It is truly amazing how eliminating the expectation factor puts one at ease, takes the stress out of the equation, and thus makes sex plain old fun! I had technically good sex with my husband, but it rarely felt spontaneous, and even when I was in the mood, there was a duty based undertone to it. I did not realize to what extent this permeated our sex lives until it was not present in the context of another partner. It has been an amazing realization to me that I can be in the mood for sexy play at any given time. I am in fact a fun loving person in every other context so on that level, this bent is more true to who I am. If sex is fun, then why not want lots of it?!

I am thrilled that although it took me half my life to figure out, I now know that something is not wrong with my sex drive, I do in fact LOVE sex, I think about how much I want it all too often, and I have someone with whom I can experience this fantastic part of life.

Better late than never right!

Is Compersion Necessary For Success in Polyamory?

It may not be mandatory, but I believe compersion makes poly life more enjoyable for everyone, when it is present.

First of all, what is compersion?

Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness. (whatiscompersion.com)

Compersion does not come naturally to me in the context of dating or polyamory. I used to see myself as relatively kind and selfless, and was never the jealous type in most of the years of my marriage. My husband and I did things apart, had friendships with the opposite sex, and it was never an issue. Then we deliberately entered the world of non monogamy. Suddenly possessiveness, jealousy, and selfishness became emotions I was all too familiar with.

Ironic isn’t it?

I suddenly cared about missing out on EVERYTHING and found myself feeling gutted and heartbroken when my husband would go on dates. Over time I got better at tolerating his dating life, but I’m not sure I ever experienced compersion with him until we separated our sex lives from each other. Once that part of our life was off the table, I started experiencing genuine joy when he was happy and fulfilled apart from me, no matter who or what was contributing to those feelings.

The story with my boyfriend has been more all over the map. I got to know him in the context of polyamory. I got to know his partners at the time, before we became romantically involved. I liked them. I wanted them all to succeed. And I truly felt compersion for them when I saw or heard of time well spent together.

This changed somewhat once our relational dynamic changed. When sex was on the table, everyone suddenly cared about things in a different way, from my perspective and from the perspective of his other partners. In my experience, there is a possessiveness that accompanies enjoying a sex life with someone you love. I want more from that person in time and attention, whether together physically or not. It became more challenging to feel that sympathetic joy when hearing about my boyfriend on a date with another, when I missed him terribly and wanted that time for myself.

But it still wasn’t cut and dry with these particular metamours. I cared about them and was still able to separate my wants and needs from my genuine good wishes towards them. It was simply harder at times, and compersion was no longer a static state.

When his other girlfriend entered the picture, this was yet a bigger challenge for me. As explained here, this woman has never become someone I have wanted in my life for my own sake. I never really learned to care about her outside of the context of my boyfriend’s happiness. On some level I understand this should not matter. Loving my boyfriend should be the only component that matters in feeling compersion. But somehow, I have not found this to be the case. I have felt that this woman has taken from my life, more than she has given, in any way I can tangibly measure. And because of that I have a very hard time not resenting the time my boyfriend chooses to spend with her or even in communication with her, over me.

This is an ongoing struggle. It makes me feel like a selfish, lesser human, and it makes me terrified to go down this path with someone new, despite the fact that I know he would like to. It is a terrible feeling to be resentful of how someone you love, is spending his time, just because I don’t benefit from it. My brain knows that it is illogical and unkind. But as much as I argue with myself over this, my heart wants what it wants, selfish or not.

Having experienced both sides of this coin, I would have to conclude that feeling compersion makes the polyamorous experience much more pleasant. Is it necessary? Maybe not. If you are decent at compartmentalizing your feelings, or you simply don’t care because you are content in your own life apart from your partner, you can feel neutral or fine without the overt feelings of compersion. But if what you are often feeling is jealousy, possessiveness, and resentment, this is not sustainable.

In my case, clearly a few things are at play when compersion is present. Either sex is off the table, OR I genuinely care about ALL parties involved, enough that their best interest and their happiness and fulfillment is important to me on some level.

If you are contemplating getting into, or are new to non monogamy, take a hard look at yourself in light of this concept. Compersion is a much easier state to be in when you are personally engaged in something encompassing at the same time as your partner. Being happily distracted is a wonderful thing. But this is not likely to be the constant reality.

You must imagine your worst case scenario (perhaps being home alone, stuck with the mundane tasks of life when you would rather not be), and think about how you would feel if your partner was experiencing all the good things in life apart from you. Does this bring you joy, panic, fear, contentment, anger, sadness, or what? Assess your why’s at your reaction and what things are in place that illicit that reaction. And think through it all carefully before you proceed.

Compersion might not be a necessity, but it sure makes polyamory more enjoyable and much easier especially on the hard days. It is something I will continue to work on, and hopefully, I’ll report back to you all one day, about how this is now my natural state of being!